I made the rounds in the ballroom but didn’t find him. Right when I was ready to give up and head for bed since it was getting late, I decided to try the skittles room once more.
That’s where he was. Standing in a circle with Tao Zhang, Peter Aurek, Lyric, and a bunch of other people around our age. He laughed at something Lyric said and my stomach fell to my feet. I thought about going up to him and giving him his key to his new room but thought better of it. I decided, instead, I would text him my room number and he could pick it up himself whenever he was ready. The idea of approaching that group gave me so much anxiety I nearly felt sick.
I turned around near the door and started to exit the room.
“Lily!” someone called out to me. “Where are you going!”
I stopped where I stood and tried to compose myself before turning around.
It was Tao. He was waving me over to him.
Oh my God, should I just bail right here? I knew I couldn’t do that or risked looking really stupid so I steeled my nerve and started walking their direction.
“Guys,” Tao introduced, “this is Lily. She’s the one who beat Aurek last week in Austin.”
Everyone started teasing Peter, but he surprised me by blushing and waving at me.
“Hi, Lily, nice to see you again,” he greeted.
“Hi, Peter,” I spoke softly.
“So, Lily here is rumored to be trained by Bernard Calvin,” Tao added, slapping even more unwanted attention on me.
Everyone standing had open, gaped mouths, as if they couldn’t believe what he’d said.
“He’s just a nice man who helped me with the competition part of tournament. I’d only ever played online before Austin,” I tried to explain away.
“Oooh,” one guy I didn’t know laughed and pushed his forearm into Peter’s shoulder, “you got beat by a newbie?”
Peter blushed again. “Just you wait, Callahan. Pray you don’t cross her path,” he said, surprising me yet again.
The group got quiet and I stared at my feet, placed my nervous hands in the back pockets of my shorts.
“Good to have another girl around, huh, Lyric?” some guy asked her.
My heart started to race.
“Yeah,” Lyric dodged. She smiled, but it didn’t feel friendly and she avoided eye contact. Instead, she stared off to the side when she answered him.
“Lyric, I didn’t see your name on the roster,” Peter commented.
Lyric’s face tinged pink. “Yeah, I, uh, didn’t make the ratings minimum.”
“Damn,” Tao said, coughing around a laugh.
I actually felt sorry for her but knew anything I could say at that moment, regardless how kind I meant it, would be interpreted as anything but.
“She’ll get them back up,” Salinger said, coming to her rescue, and speaking for the first time since I’d joined the group. He smiled at her. “Won’t you?” He pushed his shoulder into hers.
She smiled at him and he smiled back.
This is so selfish to admit, but I felt so betrayed for some reason. Can’t be betrayed by someone who doesn’t belong to you, moron. It felt more painful than I thought it would, though, because it was made worse in that Salinger hadn’t looked at me, hadn’t greeted me, hadn’t met my eyes once since I’d joined the group.
Can inaction hurt your feelings? The answer to that was yes. He was idle in being my friend, I thought, and I deserved more respect than that. I stared up at the ceiling desperately trying to keep myself from crying. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone around me, and I didn’t know any of them well enough to explain it away. I didn’t want a reputation.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly while they kept up a conversation I wasn’t following.
“What about you, Lily?” Tao asked me.
I looked at him. “What?”
He laughed at me. “Where have you been?
“Just thinking,” I told him softly.
“You’re kind of weird.”
I felt my face heat up. I stood awkwardly, not sure what to say. I was a confident, quick-witted person around my friends but get me around strangers and I struggled fiercely.
“Isn’t everybody?” Peter Aurek commented and everyone laughed.
It was apparent Peter’s attempt to intimidate me at our game had embarrassed him and he was trying to make up for it. I liked that about him. I smiled at him in thanks, my cheeks growing hotter by the second. He smiled back.
That was the moment Salinger chose to look at me, or rather through me. His stare cold daggers.
“Can I talk to you for a second, Salinger?” I asked him.
“Later,” he told the floor, putting me on the spot.
Everyone stared between us, and it all felt a little heavy. Right when I was about to tell everyone good night, though, one of the guys I didn’t know broke the tension by telling a funny story about how he lost his last tournament to a seven-year-old kid from Seattle. While everyone laughed, I noticed Lyric leaning into Salinger as she spoke into his ear. He laughed at whatever she said, and I decided I didn’t want to be there anymore.
“Well, guys, it’s getting late, I’m gonna head up to my room, catch a few winks.”
I started to walk backward and waved. Everyone waved back and told me good night. I turned for the door and fought the urge to run.
When I turned into the hall, I remembered Bernard’s room key for Salinger.
“Gosh damn it,” I whispered to no one.
I decided to take the key to the front desk. They agreed to keep it in an envelope for him to pick up at his convenience, so I texted him what Bernard had done and headed toward my room. Most everyone had cleared out at that point as it approached midnight. The first match was just after lunch, though, so I knew I could sleep in, if I wanted, or even work on endgame strategies.
Keep it together, Lily. I got on the elevator and pressed for my floor, praying it wouldn’t stop again.
Remember the list, Lily.
Focus on winning tomorrow, Lily.
It’ll be okay, Lily.
Won’t it, Lily?
Will it, Lily?
Your sisters seemed happy, didn’t they, Lily?
They don’t need you anymore, Lily.
Salinger’s grown tired of you, Lily.
So who are you doing all this for, Lily?
You don’t know anymore, do you, Lily?
Oh my God, you’re not worth it, Lily.
Worthless Lily.
Stupid Lily.
Lost Lily.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
THE HECTIC HAD CAUGHT up to me and I was teetering on a knife’s edge. It was all proving a lot for one person to take.
I’d lost my mom.
Lost my sisters.
I was assaulted and tormented by Trace.
I’d had to avoid eye contact with everyone in a town I knew had seen pictures of my naked body and whose antiquated ideas probably led them to believe I was some kind of whore.
I endured the emotional turmoil of fighting for my sisters.
And the physical toll of making our house livable so I could get them back.
I quit a drug I’d always used to help me cope.
I’d held in the enormous, unbelievable grief I felt for Mama.
And struggled to come to terms with my role in her death.
And the guilt I felt for the girls losing their mother.
I tried my hardest not to let all of the above send me over the edge.
I did all that while striving not to fall in love with someone I didn’t deserve.
I was proving idle, worthless, ineffective. I was losing. I knew I was losing. I felt it.
I’d relied too heavily on Salinger and I just had this feeling he was done being my friend. I knew boys. They were simple. Not dumb, just, you know, uncomplicated. They either liked you or they didn’t. Something had happened, something had clicked for him, I thought. He wasn’t acting angry or pissed. He was usually blunt enough to tell me when something bothered him. He acted exactly like a boy who’d had a change of heart. I was familiar with that behavior. I was privy to its inner workings.
And I didn’t think there was a cure for a change of heart.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT