“Nice to meet you,” I said, but I don’t think he heard me.
“Remember what I said,” Hollie told me. “Call or text whenever you feel like contacting the girls or if you need anything.”
“Yes, thank you,” I whispered.
Hollie hugged me goodbye and ran off after her husband and my sisters.
I looked at the door, wondering what to think.
Tears started to fall; I felt so incredibly alone. It was weird to see my baby sisters living a life separate from mine. A life without me. A life they seemed happy in. Don’t get me wrong, I knew they loved me. It wasn’t that. It was just lonely. Really, unbelievably lonely. It was weird for me because they were all I had left.
I fell onto a nearby bench and waited for Sylvia, desperate for her to come out so I could go home and cry in peace.
But you don’t get to do that, do you? You need to get your car, assess the financial damage, and try to make it to work tonight, don’t you?
I took a deep breath. “One day at a time. No, one minute at a time,” I told myself.
Sylvia met me in the lobby and shook my hand. “Congratulations, you’re one step closer.”
I smiled at her. “Thank you for all you’ve done.”
“Please, baby, it’s my job. Now,” she said, handing me a stack of papers. “Keep these in a safe place. It’s the terms of our court agreement today.” She smiled at me. “Let’s keep moving forward now.”
I smiled at her and nodded. I turned to head outside but she stopped me.
“Before you go. I want you to know that you’re one of those cases where I don’t have to worry about my client. You’re motivated and driven and I want to thank you for making my job easy.”
“I don’t know what to say other than if it wasn’t for you, all that work would be for nothing. I’m grateful to you.”
“As I of you. You should be proud of yourself.”
“Sylvia!” a woman yelled our way and she looked back.
“I’ve got to go. Look out for my next email. Should have it in a couple days,” she said walking backward. “Bye, Lily!”
“Bye, Sylvia! Thanks again!”
“No problem!” she yelled out.
I scheduled an Uber and it promised an arrival time of six minutes, so I went outside to absorb the warmth of the sun.
How’d it go, Little? Salinger texted.
It went well. I got weekly visitations. They’re supervised, but I’ll take what I can get.
That is freaking amazing!
Yeah
See you tonight at work? he asked.
Yeah, see you then.
I caught the expensive Uber back to Henry’s Auto Shop near work and found out it cost me six hundred dollars to replace my tires. That was all my money. I could kill Trace. I drove home to change for work and dressed near the window in the living room just so I could watch my car to make sure he didn’t try to do something again. I counted the ramen packets I had left in my pantry to see if I could make it to pay day. It was close, but I thought I could do it.
I drove my car up to work and parked her close to the entrance even though I knew Casey might get a little pissed. I’d just spent a fortune on the tires, though, and couldn’t pay for it again if Trace chose to do it again.
I walked in and threw my keys at Danny. “Watch her, will you?”
He stuck them in his pockets. “Yeah, no prob.”
I went to the back and clocked in. When I turned around, I came nose to chest with Salinger. He smelled so good I could barely take it and began to step back. He lifted his arm and offered his fist. “You must crush this,” he said, smiling at me.
I bumped fists with him and yanked a pair of gloves from the bin nearby.
We started walking toward the dairy with the other guys.
“You happy?” he asked.
All the breath left my chest at once. He couldn’t have known what that question would do to me. How could he? It was innocent. He was innocent.
I tried to steady my racing heart. “Yeah, glad to be making progress.”
I went to the back of the dairy coolers and started piling in the new milk and tossing the old. I went there because everybody hated doing dairy. We usually had to flip a coin to see who’d be stuck with it that night. It was cold and it was hard work. I went hoping, no, wishing Salinger wouldn’t follow me in. It didn’t work.
He came through with one of the heavy jackets Casey kept in the back for just this job. “What are you doing, crazy?” he asked, tossing the coat over my shoulders.
He brought the bin over to the racks and started fishing through each row of milk for the ones at or past their expiration date. Why would he willingly endure this hellish part of the job? I started organizing the racks, bringing the newer gallons toward the back of the shelves.
“Should we buy our tickets to Richmond?” he asked.
I squeezed my eyes shut and gulped down the fear I felt knowing I’d have to admit to him why I could no longer afford my ticket.
“I-I can’t go now.”
Salinger whipped his head my direction. “What? Why?”
I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. “I, well, something happened to my car today and I had to replace the tires.”
“What, all of them?” he asked, a confused expression on my face.
“Yeah,” I offered, hoping he’d drop it.
“All four tires? What, were they bad or something?”
“Yeah,” I told a half-truth.
“Damn, well, that sucks, but that doesn’t mean we have to skip out. We’ve already paid the registration fees. I’ll spot you your ticket price and we’ll get up there.”
“Thanks,” I said, trying for casual, but I didn’t think I pulled it off, “but I’ll try another tournament some other time.”
He stopped working and stood tall. “Lily, what’s going on?”
I tried to smile. “I’m just trying not to be such a burden on you. It’s not fair to you.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asked, getting angry. The heat from his breath heated the air around him. “Will you stop saying shit like that? It’s seriously pissing me off. You’re not a gosh damn burden, Lily.” He was cursing. I couldn’t remember a time I’d ever heard Salinger curse. “You’re my fucking friend, not a charity case, and I resent this attitude you have toward that friendship. Just fucking stop it already.”
He turned back to the milk, working twice as fast and aggressively tossing it out. I started quietly bawling, the tears freezing on my lashes, only to melt with each new one.
“I’m lonely,” I whispered.
“What?” he yelled, still peeved.
It startled me.
“Nothing,” I said.
He tossed two gallons away and stared at his feet, his hands in fists. He heaved a sigh then marched over to me, landing inches from my face, forcing me to look up at him. Our frozen breath tangled with the other.
“What did you say, Lily.” It wasn’t a question. It was an order.
“I said I’m alone.”
His face softened. “You’re not.”
I nodded my head in argument. “I am, though. I watched the girls today. They’re living a life without me. I never realized how much I’d been holding on to them. I feel like they’re the only ones tethering me to this earth, Salinger, and they’re loosening the kite string. Every day they fall into the routine of their new family and I feel like I’m losing them.”
“You’ll get them back, Lily.”
“What if I win them back but they don’t want to come with me?”
“They will always want to be with you, Lily.” He ran a hand through my hair. “Who wouldn’t?”
“I’m fighting feelings I don’t know how to process.”
“That’s understandable. That’s normal.”
“Grief for my mother is approaching and no matter how much I try to tamp it down, it won’t stay there.”
He nodded. “I can tell, Little.”
“I’m weighed down by life, by responsibility, and I have a genuine fear I’m not capable of handling the load.”
“We’re going to compartmentalize,” he said. “I’ll help you. “We’ll cross each bridge as we arrive to it, and we won’t worry about the bridges ahead.”
“That’s the problem,” I whispered. “I’m settled at the entrance of a thousand bridges already and I don’t know which one to take.”