Concluding that your failures and shortcomings are caused by other people and situations is a great way to give up all of your power. It’s also a great way to take the easy route in life and draw attention away from any real issues that need resolving. In my opinion, when people say things like “Nothing ever works out for me,” the real problem is that they’re unwilling to change something or try a different tactic. Or when people say “everyone is against me,” the real problem is that they aren’t willing to see things from a different point of view. In reality, people are too busy worrying about themselves to devise some master plan to destroy you.
When I was a student, my friends would all say the same thing to me: “Lilly, you always need to be right.” We all got along so well, but as soon as an argument started, they would drop that line and I would become instantly offended. I didn’t NEED to be right. I WAS right. For years I would think that everyone was just jealous of my superior correctness in life. My parents, friends, and fellow dancers were all wrong and I was right … um, not that I NEEDED to be, though. It’s not my fault I was blessed. I literally felt like I was that one presumably crazy person in a horror movie who hears voices and sees dead people. Everyone else in the movie thinks she’s insane and they send her to an asylum. They diagnose her with some mental disorder and then drive back home, only to be killed by seven different ghosts! Turns out she wasn’t crazy after all! She was right all along! That was me … the absolutely correct victim in the asylum.
Except I was wrong.
As I grew older and began to hear “Lilly, you always need to be right” over and over again, I started to think, “What if that’s true? What if EVERYONE else isn’t wrong and I’m just too stubborn to take a look at myself and identify my flaws?” It was definitely a lot easier to assume everyone was out to get me. Eventually I made a promise to address my bad habit, and now when I have disagreements with people, I don’t view the conversation in terms of right and wrong. Shifting my mentality took a lot of effort and didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it took years to create my new mantra, which is, “There is no wrong or right. There’s just different.” Repeating this to myself has helped me be less hung up on “winning arguments.” I only came to this realization because I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started paying attention to the signs the universe was giving me.
Realizing that you have a weakness everyone but you can see is a tough pill to swallow. It’s difficult to believe and it’s even harder to fix. But a Bawse knows that accepting a weakness is the first step to strengthening that part of you.
If your last three bosses all fired you, maybe it’s not because they’re jerks. Maybe you don’t work hard enough. If your last two boyfriends cheated on you, maybe you’re causing them to cheat. Maybe not … but maybe you are. I’m not saying a flaw within you validates their behavior, but I’m simply pointing out that it could be a reaction to something you’re doing. Maybe you trust too much too fast.
I went through a period when I felt like all my friends were liars. It seemed like every week I would find out someone lied to me about something. After the fourth friend lied to me, I had to step back and take a look at myself. I discovered that my friends were lying to me because they didn’t feel they could talk openly with me. Every time they tried I’d create an unwelcoming environment and they feared our friendship would end. Whether or not I believe that fear justifies lying is irrelevant; the fact remains that something within me was causing several people to act in the same way, and thus it made more sense to adjust my behavior. It’s about working with what’s in your control (see the chapter Play Nintendo).
At the end of the day, we’re all reactive beings. We react to the environment we’re in. So if several people are reacting negatively to you in the same exact way, maybe it’s because you’re doing something to cause that reaction. If that’s the case, you have two options: (1) get a tattoo across your chest of Drake’s lyrics “I got enemies, got a lot of enemies,” or (2) take the hint and work on improving yourself.
Your nipples would get in the way of a tattoo that big anyway.
ON THE SURFACE, relationships seem to fail for so many reasons. It’s easy to speculate endlessly. Is it because your girlfriend hates it when you go out with the boys to watch sports? Could it be because your boyfriend always skips class to flirt with other girls? Maybe your best friend travels too much and now you feel like you barely know her. We can blame the conflict on the fact that people are inconsiderate, disloyal, selfish, and weird—but once we dig our shovel further into the problems, it’s clear that the majority of failed relationships are caused by one thing: having different priorities.
Have you ever been in a fight with a partner or friend and thought, “Wow, how can you not understand that you’re wrong?!” I’ll just assume you’re putting your hands up right now and saying, “Preach!” That’s because we have a specific set of priorities that we understand and value, and it’s difficult to deal with someone who isn’t on the same page. What we need to remember is that priorities are like opinions, because everyone has different ones. AND, most importantly, priorities are not facts. Let me say it again so the people in the back can hear: priorities are not facts. This means that they cannot be right or wrong; they’re simply different. Wuddup previous chapter reference!
This lesson has been one of the hardest for me to learn in life. Once I learned it, though, it was like a light came on. Everyone has a different “aha!” moment, but let me share mine. While I was on tour in Boston for A Trip to Unicorn Island, preparing for my next show, I received word that the next day would be a little nerve-racking, for two reasons. First, we would be shooting the entire stage performance for my documentary, meaning the show had to be flawless. The documentary shoot was stressful because we had only one shot at capturing the footage. The entire crew was flying in with all their equipment, and the associated costs simply wouldn’t allow for another chance at another performance in another city. As if this situation wasn’t high-stakes enough, Dwayne Johnson’s family was coming to see me perform. For obvious reasons, their attendance was both exciting to me and extremely intimidating. I, of course, wanted to make THE BEST impression on his family, especially his daughter, who introduced him to my videos in the first place. Needless to say, the night before, I was an absolute tense mess.