We’ve been trained to smile on demand when we meet someone new. It’s the polite and expected thing to do. However, a Bawse doesn’t just smile because they’re supposed to. That wouldn’t be genuine. To have true presence, smile for a reason. Smile when you hear someone’s name, smile when they tell you what they do, and smile when they tell you how they know your friend. I’m not suggesting that you stare at someone blankly when you first meet them, but don’t show off your pearly whites right away. Smile in response to meeting someone new based on something they do or say, not just because it’s the conventional thing to do. And give yourself bonus points if you smile while repeating someone’s name after you meet them. This gesture acknowledges that you are happy to have met this specific person and you aren’t just going through the motions.
LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND
We often listen to people talk so that we can respond to what they’re saying and NOT because we want to understand what they’re saying. Instead of thinking of a response while someone is speaking, pause and focus on what they are actually telling you. Really think about it. Then engage and ask questions to further understand and continue the conversation. Being present means showing interest in what people have to say.
I learned the importance of showing interest from my friend Bridgit Mendler. The first time I met her was during my trip to Kenya in 2016, and I quickly noticed how engaged she was with other people. When I told her about my recent musical project, she didn’t change the topic to her projects or music, despite the fact that she’s a singer herself. Instead, she listened to me talk about my song and then asked me questions about it: So, do you plan to release an album? Where can I find it? How much music do you have out? When I replied, she would think about what I said and then continued to engage me on a deeper level. I left our conversation feeling super-special and remembering every detail of what we talked about. Being a good listener and a great conversationalist is key to having true presence.
DON’T BE ROBOTIC
Just as you’ve been trained to smile when meeting someone new, you’ve also been programmed to speak a certain way. When someone asks, “How are you?” you will likely say, “Good. How are you?” But are you really good? Is that truly an accurate reflection of how you’re feeling? If you want to have great presence, mean what you say. You’ll make much more of an impression if you say, “You know what, I’m actually pretty good. I woke up feeling a bit under the weather but this party has cured me. What about you?” It sounds more interesting and it may even spark conversation. Maybe even tell this person how many times you threw up this morning because you were hungover. Or maybe not.
LIVE IN THE MOMENT
The best way to have presence is to be present (MIND = BLOWN). This means that when you’re at an event or talking to someone, be there entirely. Don’t constantly check your phone or be thinking about something else. Instead, take in your surroundings, meet new people, be interested in what’s going on, and absorb the energy of the room. Not only will you probably have a better time, but you’ll appear more approachable. No one wants to approach someone who is scrolling through Instagram stalking their ex.
TIP: Before you enter a room, commit to being present by saying a simple sentence like, “For the next sixty minutes, I am entirely here and nowhere else.”
BE CONFIDENT
It’s no secret that a big part of having great presence is being confident. Confidence is one of those things that is easy to talk about but is sometimes difficult to have. Don’t worry, I got you! Below are a few ways to boost your confidence and let it shine:
DRESS COMFORTABLY Regardless of what everyone else is wearing and what magazines say you should wear, dress in a way that makes you feel awesome. If ripped jeans, sneakers, and a sweatshirt make you feel beautiful and confident, then wear that outfit. Alternatively, if high heels and a miniskirt make you feel wonderful, wear that instead. It’s all about how you feel in the clothes you wear. If you’re uncomfortable in your clothes, you likely won’t be confident, no matter how impressive the brands you’re wearing. So try your outfit on, move around, and feel it out. If you’re constantly pulling up your pants to hide your butt crack, you should probably change.
It’s also important to dress the part. If you’re going out for a fun evening, make sure you’re dressed in clothes that make you FEEL fun. If you’re going to meet new business partners, dress in clothes that make you feel like a ballin’ CEO. The clothes don’t need to be expensive; they just need to make you feel a certain way. Believe it or not, clothes can evoke certain emotions in us. I know this because I cannot play my parent characters well without dressing up like them. I once read an interview with Jennifer Lawrence in which she too said she couldn’t truly get into a character unless she was in costume.
POWER POSES Before you go to an event and/or meet new people, look in the mirror for a few minutes and do some power poses. You should probably be alone for this or things could get weird. Look at yourself and pose like Superman (or Superwoman) with one arm in the air. Make a dramatic, sexy face like you see in movie posters. Raise your chin and give yourself a wink. Fix your collar even if it’s completely fine! Why? Because you’re powerful and sexy and you do what you want. Looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing yourself the way you want other people to see you is a great way to inspire confidence.
LISTEN TO YOUR JAMS Listen to music that makes you feel confident and powerful. For example, when getting ready to go out I always listen to Rihanna because her music makes me feel awesome and sexy. This may seem like a minor thing, but listening to music that pumps you up will send signals to your brain and set a certain tone. A word of caution: I’d suggest staying away from Adele if you need to be happy and confident. Adele has more of a “getting ready to console a friend whose boyfriend cheated on her”–type vibe.
SPEAK IN STATEMENTS When you speak to people, make sure you’re speaking at an audible volume. Speaking softly will make you seem less confident. Another tip: unless you’re actually asking a question, don’t sound uncertain. Start strong and end strong. Say things as if everyone really wants to hear them. Just make sure you give everyone else a chance to speak too!
BODY LANGUAGE Body language can often speak louder than words. Crossing your arms or putting your hands in your pockets will make you seem unapproachable. If you aren’t directly facing someone while they are talking to you, it will seem like you’re not paying full attention. Slouching makes you seem less confident. Walking slowly can make you seem less certain. Whenever you do anything with your body, I want you to feel purposeful and powerful. Stand as if someone is creating a statue of you in that very moment. Walk as if there is an explosion happening behind you and you’re an action movie star walking away.
If you’re not used to doing any of the above, it may seem like a lot of work. And you know what? At first it is. No one said having presence was easy. If that was the case, everyone would have it. But you’re a Bawse and you need to start acting, talking, and walking like one. The next time you walk into a room, just remember one thing: be Santa. Why? Because he always has presents.