“Christ…” he blew out a breath. “I still can’t believe you’re gone.” He whispered softly and looked down at the grass. “I stopped asking God why he took you and not me. He never answers. Come to think of it no one answers any of my questions. The one question I struggle with the most is how come I couldn’t save you?” He felt tears well in his eyes and cursed himself for being emotional. What good were his tears they wouldn’t bring back his brother? “I don’t know Jake, I thought it was my job to protect you. I thought I was supposed to have all the answers because I was your big brother. When you came to the garage with the test results I was so nervous because I needed to be the one to save you. I needed to be able to give you back your life. Even if Sam was the donor it wouldn’t have been good enough for me, it had to be me. In my head, in my heart, I needed to be the one. You were my kid brother. The kid I built forts with and played tag with. The kid I shared a room with and would stay up late with reading scary stories to, the kid that looked up to me like I had all the answers, like I was some sort of super hero. I guess somewhere along the lines I began to believe I did have the answers. God showed me that I didn’t. I just wish he didn’t use you to prove to me that I couldn’t fix everything.” He looked up and swallowed hard.
“I relive the day I sat at your bedside, the day you died, every day. Those last few words, we had are burned into my memory. You asked me to take care of Cara. I don’t know why when I failed you so badly. And then you cut me when you told me you could always count on me. Your words sliced right through me and have been every day since you said them to me. I failed you. I couldn’t save you, but I failed you in a much worse of way. I can’t even be ashamed because as much as I want you here, alive and well, I want her. I would move heaven and earth for you to be here right now, but that would mean I could never have Cara and I’m not so sure I could give her up. In fact, I know I wouldn’t. I’d bring you back and I’d fail you again because I would not let go of what you gave me. I’m sorry brother… so sorry, but I love her. It’s crazy how I feel about her. It’s like nothing I’ve ever known before and I swear to you I tried to fight it. After Marie, I made sure to keep that shit under lock and key, never let a goddamn woman in and the one woman I had no business letting in got me. I tried not to fall in love with your woman but she wiggled her way deep, Jake, so deep, that I sometimes feel like I’m drowning in her. I don’t ever want to come up for air either.”
He took a deep breath. It felt good to spill his secret, but it felt wrong still to share it with Jake. He turned the envelope in his hand over and shoved his finger into the slight opening at the end and began to lift the seal. Luke pulled the folded paper out of the envelope and unfolded it. He took in a sharp breath when he saw his brother’s familiar writing.
Dear Luke,
What’s shaking brother? I bet you miss me. I’d miss me too. I’m kind of a big deal. Anyway, I know you and you’re probably frowning reading this, but I want you to turn that shit upside down and pay attention to what I have to say to you. I don’t write letters, but then again, I didn’t think I’d go and get sick either. I’ve been writing everyone though, not just you so don’t go and get a big head. I’ve set shit up for when Nick and Sam get married, because brother, they’re going to get married one day and you need to accept that. I’ve made sure that for the next twenty years mom will get a bouquet of flowers from me on Mother’s day, ensuring my spot as her favorite son. Ha! And on the first father’s day that I’m gone, dad will begin his enrollment in a cigar club. The man will probably never smoke a full one in his life, but he likes to look at them and that way his humidifier will always be full. You know as much as I do he just likes to collect them shits.
Anyway, that leaves you. You were the hardest person for me to leave a piece of me too. I struggled because it had to be perfect because you’ve always been the perfect brother. Shit, you were my hero, and will be until I draw my last breath. I thought long and hard, and realized you’ve shared everything with me. I mean literally, everything from toys, to friends, to your wisdom. That reminds me I should probably thank mom and dad for teaching us how to share. Be right back, have to jot that down. It gets confusing when you’re writing to a bunch of people. Okay, I’m back, where was I? Oh right, so you shared everything with me, even at the end you shared your damn bone marrow with me. So I was sitting outside one day smoking the weed Pop got me, shut up, he made me swear not to tell mom. He really does have a guy go figure. So back to me sitting in the yard smoking, I remembered the night I raced and how you came into Riverdale Ink looking to talk.
Dude, I’m not going to lie, it was one of the most profound moments of my life. There was my big brother, who had all his ducks in a fucking row, pouring out his frustrations to me, ME of all people. Man, I felt important. I didn’t think you ever let shit get to you, it was pretty cool to find out you were human after all. I looked into your eyes and for the first time I saw the pain in them and I heard the fear in your voice. I told you that one day you’d find someone and that missing piece would be complete. It wouldn’t be you and Ava by yourselves forever. There was someone out there for you. Maybe she didn’t make it to your life yet, or maybe she did and it just wasn’t your time. But there would be someone one day to fit the pieces.