“Have you noticed behavioral changes in yourself?”
“I am angry all the time. I try to block out anything I am feeling by taking the pills. I lash out at people who are trying to help me. I lash out at myself. When I’m sober, I want to die. When I’m high I want to die. I only want to live when I’m sleeping because then I dream and in my dreams, Jake is still alive.” She said softly and brushed away her tears. “I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. I have no family of my own. I only had Jake and his family.”
“His family has turned their backs on you?”
She looked up and met Ms. Snyder’s stare. “No, they haven’t.” She looked down and she was still wearing Luke’s shirt. She hadn’t even noticed that she didn’t take it off when she had unpacked. “They’re partially the reason I am here.”
“Why else are you here?”
“I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, either.” It was true. After the accident her biggest fear was that she could’ve possibly hurt an innocent person. The hurt she was inflicting upon herself could wind up endangering someone else, and that was enough for her to want to put an end to the pain.
“Have you ever undergone treatment for addiction before?”
“No.”
“Are there any medical conditions or mental disorders that you haven’t disclosed to us?”
“No.”
“Is there anything else you’d like to add?” She said as she took off her glasses and looked directly at Cara. They both were silent until Cara cleared her throat and stared into her eyes as she confessed.
“I really want to take a pill right now.” Cara admitted and left out that one wouldn’t do the trick. She glanced across the desk at Ms. Snyder as she jotted a few things down before she leaned over and hit the intercom button on the phone that rested on top of her desk.
“Miss Sloane is ready to be taken into detox.” Ms. Snyder said into the speaker.
Suddenly the anxiety that had been absent decided to make an appearance and Cara began to sweat. Not just her palms, but her entire body broke out into a cold sweat and all she could think about was running out of there and taking half a dozen little white pills.
*
It was dark by the time Luke made his way home. It didn’t help that he had stood outside of the rehab center for hours, because he just couldn’t bring himself to leave. He couldn’t explain the pull towards Cara he was feeling and tried to push it aside. He lifted his sleeping daughter into his arms and carried her into their home. Ava had fallen asleep after he picked her up from his parents. He carefully maneuvered her through the house to her bedroom, where he tucked her safely into her bed. He bent down and pressed his lips to her forehead, marveling at how perfect she was, much as he did every night he put her to bed. He rose to his full height after turning on her Hello Kitty night light, walking out of her bedroom.
He pulled off his baseball cap and combed his fingers through his hair. Once he stepped into his bedroom, he threw his cap onto the chair and walked to his dresser. He went through the motions of undressing. First, Luke took off his watch, then placed it on top of the dresser. He cranked his neck from side to side working out the kinks as he lifted the Henley up his torso and over his head. He felt exhaustion overcome him for the first time since Cara’s accident. His fingertips loosened the belt that held his jeans up and as he went to remove the belt from the loops he remembered the letter that was tucked safely into his back pocket.
Luke pulled the white envelope from his pocket and brought his hand around and unfolded it. He stared down at his name and smiled faintly at his brother’s chicken-scratch handwriting. It was the little things, he supposed, that made you miss a person. Something as simple as never seeing the person you lost, sign their name or address a card to you again. He scratched the stubble that lined his jaw and let out a heavy breath, debating on if he should open it or not.