The words I’ve dreaded for weeks punch me in the gut, deflating me. But I refuse to let him see it. “Yeah, okay. Let me get dressed.”
“Cate? I think you need to call 911. I’m pretty sure I can’t get up to walk.” Yesterday was rough. He had a tough time standing at all. He inhales and it’s then I hear the faint rattle that lies deep in his chest. Oh, God, how will I ever get through this? As is Drew’s usual way, he talks me through it all, telling me everything will be fine. This, my Drew, comforting me, on his deathbed.
The EMTs arrive and load him into the vehicle, and I follow behind in my car. I call his parents, Ben, my parents, and Jenna on the way. When we arrive at the hospital, I’m at his side, holding his hand and biting my knuckle as they wheel him in. Even though this journey has been long and filled with ups and downs and I’ve had time to prepare for this day, I’m not ready. At all. Letting go of this man will be next to impossible. I watched that movie where the mountain climber became trapped under a boulder and was forced to amputate his own arm. That’s how I feel right now. Losing Drew will be like cutting out my heart. I know—it’s cliché, but it’s true. Part of me will die with him. There’s no other way around it.
Ben and Jenna arrive and we all hug and cry in the hall, and then all go in and hug Drew. Ben practically crawls in his bed. When his parents get here, we step out to give them time alone with their only son. When I think of what they must be going through, my dying heart hurts even worse. And Drew, knowing the man he is, must be trying to be brave for them. But at this point, in these final moments, there is no more he can do or say to boost their spirits. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around how all this could happen. No doubt they do too. My parents and siblings make an appearance, but my mom is worse off than me. I think she hates to see her daughter suffer. I don’t want Shannon and Eric to remember Drew like this, so I send them home after a brief visit.
The day inches by. Ray and Letty take a break by going down to get some food. My parents leave and so does Jenna, promising to return that evening. Ben takes a bathroom break and says he’s going to grab some coffee. I ask him to bring me back a cup.
“You need to eat, Cate.”
“Not hungry, Ben.” He holds his hands up in the air, backing off. He knows not to push the food issue. We have this unspoken rule between us about these kinds of things. “I’ll be back in fifteen or twenty.”
“No hurry.”
It’s just the two of us now. I watch Drew as his chest moves up and down. His eyes flutter open and he motions me to his bedside. Then he starts talking and his voice is surprisingly strong. But the things he says plow into me like a fucking tank and I want to curl into him and die right with him. He tells me how he knew from the first moment he set eyes on me I was his and that he’s sorry it turned out this way. Gah, like this is all his fault! Then he tells me to go home.
I nod and suck back my tears. “Okay. I’m going to go home and shower, because I’m kind of rank. I love you too, Drew. More than I can say.”
“Cate, stop. That’s not what I meant. I want you to promise me something, okay? Swear to me right now.” His voice is firm, much stronger than it has been in days.
“Okay. What is it?”
“I want you to leave this room now and go home, but I don’t want you to come back after you shower. I want you to say your goodbyes to me right here, right now.”
“What!? What are you saying?” My heart stutters in my throat.
“I’m saying what you think I’m saying. I love you so much more than having you sit here by my side for the next few days. I don’t want that. You swore to me, Cate.”
“Drew, I can’t.” Tears stream unchecked down my cheeks, because I can’t let myself think of the inevitable. Drew is my life, my heart, my everything.
“Yes, you can. Now, go. Turn around, walk through that door, and don’t ever look back. All my stuff is boxed exactly like I asked you to, and you know what to do with it. My parents and yours will be here, along with Ben. But you, you don’t need to be here. I don’t want you to be here. I want you to remember me as I was, when I was healthy, during our best times. Now, look at that door and take your first steps into your new life, Cate. And promise me you’ll live. Just live, Cate. Do it for me.”
“You can’t mean this. Drew, I’m not walking away.” And instead of walking, I make a move to crawl in his bed.
“Don’t, Cate. You’re making this harder for me. It’s … have you ever heard of stories where people can’t let go? That’s what you’re doing to me.”
My hand flies over my mouth to cover the sob.