I look at him, not knowing what to do.
He nods. “Open it. I’m supposed to stay with you while you read it.”
“Okay. Is this going to tear me up into even more pieces?”
“I don’t know.” There go his hands through his hair again.
The outside of the envelope says, “My Loving Cate.”
I open it gingerly.
My Dearest Cate,
If you are reading this, then the inevitable has taken place. We’ve had many discussions about what would happen after my passing, but knowing you as I do, I knew I had to write this. That’s also why I’ve given this to Ben. (I hope the dude has followed my instructions!) I hope you don’t hate me for trying to send you away from the hospital (although I was fairly certain you would be too hard headed to leave). You had already been through the worst of the worst, and I didn’t want you to go through that, too. I wanted you to carry our best memories forward, to remember me in my healthy days, when we were happy and fell in love, and loved with abandon. I never told you this, but if I’d had a crystal ball and could’ve seen the future, I would’ve run far, far away from you as fast and as hard as I could have. Not because I didn’t love you. I hope you know that. My heart was as tangled up in yours as was possible. I don’t think I could’ve loved anyone as hard as I loved you. I would’ve run because I never would’ve put you through this horrible journey. And I can only hear you ranting now. But stop. It’s done. It’s over. And I didn’t know. So we fell in love, married, and the rest, as they say, is history.
But this ending was not part of my plan, as you know. I had such great visions for us. The large house with three kids. Growing old together and spoiling the hell out of our grandkids. I saw us holding hands, sitting on our rockers, watching the sunsets, sipping our wine. Taking luxurious vacations (which may or may not have included side trips to Blackhawks games), and me spoiling the hell out of you. Words will never express to you how sorry I am that I couldn’t fulfill those visions.
Now here comes the hard part for you, Cate. You made me a promise and I’m going to hold your feet to the fire on this. You swore to me you would move on afterwards. You would go forward and find someone else and live your life. That’s what I’m asking you to do. Oh, I know you can’t do this immediately. But don’t you dare sit on your ass for years and pine away. And knowing you, that’s exactly what you’ll do. You’re such a hard ass sometimes. But I’m not going to let you get away with this. This time, you’re going to hold up your end of the bargain. This is a huge world, Cate. I was not the only person in it for you. Don’t tell yourself that and don’t be na?ve. Open yourself up and let yourself love again. The worst thing that could happen and the last thing I would want are for you to be alone and be lonely. You’ve been through way too much in your young life already. You promised me, and by God, you’d better not renege on this. So I’m giving you six months. Too short you say? I say bullshit. You’re going to pack up your boxes, because mine are already packed, and get the hell out of here. Sell the house. Do you hear me? Move. Get the hell out of there! Give all my clothes to charity. The few items I’ve tagged will go to Ben or my parents. You already have what you want. Everything else is tagged for the charity I’ve designated.
There’s enough life insurance money and money from my trust fund that you’ll inherit for you to be comfortable for however long you want. You’ll need to work only if that’s what you want to do. Ben will help you with all of this—he’s your money guy. This will give you time to figure out where you want to end up living. Go. Explore the world if you want. Seek out a new life for yourself. And find that special someone. Make sure he treats you well. And don’t settle. You deserve the best of the best, Cate.
Do me a favor. Always remember the better times and know that I loved all the pieces of you with all the pieces of me.
Forever and then some, Drew
P.S. Look out for Ben and tell that dude to stop running his hands through his hair. He’s going to go bald and end up looking like me, but he won’t be as sexy!
Leave it to Drew to try to make me laugh at the end.
“Did you read this?” I ask Ben.
“No. Why?”
I hand it to him. His eyes run with tears until he gets to the last line. Then we both laugh.
“Asshole.” Then we cry-laugh and hug.
I look at Ben and ask, “Will you help with all this? I think I’m going to take up Jenna on her offer to move in. Most of my stuff will have to go in storage once the house sells. I want to leave it furnished so it shows better.”
“Sure, I’ll help, but why don’t you make it easy on yourself and hire some moving company.”
“Oh, Ben, I don’t want to spend the money. I haven’t worked in six months and I’m not sure about the finances.”