“Please. For me. If there’s one thing left you can do for me, do this last thing.”
I back away from his bed, looking at his murky eyes, no longer the crystal blue of his healthy days gone by, and I turn and run blindly from the room. I don’t know where I’m going, I just have to leave his room for a moment to think, to figure out if I can do what he’s asked. My eyes are so misted with tears, I’m blind, and as I turn the corner I crash head on into someone. Arms reach out to steady me and prevent me from slamming on my ass as my own arms windmill. I’m sure whoever I just careened into must think they’ve been attacked by a banshee, because I’m wailing, and look a mess, not to mention I smell like a skunk.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Hell no,” I shake my head. My words come out choked through another sob. “No, I’m not okay,” I manage to say. Irrationality burns my gut. Isn’t it obvious? “Do I look like I’m okay?” I rub my eyes so I can get the buckets of water out to see.
“Here. Come with me.”
I don’t have a choice. Whoever this person is takes my arm and walks me somewhere. He opens a door and says, “Sit.” A handful of tissues magically appear in my hand. I blow my snot-filled nose and wipe my eyes again, but still I cry.
I feel guilty at my earlier irritation. Someone is trying to be nice and I’m being a bitch.
“I’m sorry. I … I … my husband is … he’s dying … and,” I sniff loudly, “he just told me he wants me to leave.”
“Your husband?”
I finally look at my savior. His lab coat screams “physician.” My eyes are cloudy with tears so I can’t really make out if he’s young, old, short or tall. I can’t seem to stop my heart from tearing into shreds.
“Yeah. You may know him. Drew. Drew McKnight. He’s a fellow here.” I blow my nose into a clean tissue and add it to the wadded ball of used ones.
“Ah. Yeah. I mean, I sort of know him but never got the chance to work with him. I’ve heard great things about him. And I’m terribly sorry.” He introduces himself, but I don’t catch his name. My brain is too much of a mess to take notice. “I’m also an oncology fellow. I’m a year ahead of your Drew.”
“Look, sorry I dumped on you.”
“Don’t be. Can I offer you some advice? The last days … he won’t know. He knows it, too. He’s trying to protect you. As hard as it is, that’s all he’s doing. Be with him if you want.”
A giant breath gushes out of me. “Thank you. I need to go.”
“Mrs. McKnight?”
“Cate,” I say dabbing at my eyes.
“What?”
“My name. It’s Cate.”
“Oh. Cate then. I’m on call and here tonight. If you need anything, tell the nurses to page Dr. Mercer. I’ll be here to help if you or Drew need me.”
I take his hand. It’s comforting. “Thank you.”
Swiping the tears off my face, I head back to Drew’s room. Ben is here and I motion him into the hall. When I tell him what Drew said, he looks embarrassed.
“You knew, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but he swore me not to tell you. I’m sorry Cate.”
“Well, I just can’t do that. I can’t leave and never say goodbye.”
“I told him that and I told him it wasn’t fair of him to ask that of you. But you know Drew. He’s always thinking of everyone else.”
“I am going home to shower and then I’m coming back with my stuff to stay for however long. I ran into one of the oncologists who’s on call. He told me to stay.” I start to cry again. In a weepy voice I say, “He said Drew wouldn’t know if I’m here anyway.”
Ben’s arms grab me and we both tremble as we cry. Then he asks, “Are you okay to drive?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine. Nothing but a few more tears.”
“Text me as soon as you get home.”
“I will.”
It’s a quick turn around trip for me and I’m back at the hospital, but when I walk toward Drew’s room, I wonder if I should linger in the hall. I text Ben and he meets me right outside the room.
“He knows you’re coming back. I told him it wasn’t fair to do that to you.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me I sucked in Drew-fashion.”
That gets a smile out of us, albeit a small one. Ben and I get bed seats, and by that I mean in his bed. I lie next to him for most of the time, other than when I have to pee or get something to drink. Letty sits next to the bed in the recliner and holds his hand or touches him in some fashion, and Ray only looks on, disbelief etched on his features. I think he held out hope until the bitter end and now that it’s here, it’s too much for him to face.
At ten, I get up and walk down to the cafeteria and grab a muffin and a coke. After I choke a quarter of the muffin down and sip the coke I’m flicking the crumbs around the table when a shadow crosses over me. I glance up and see that it’s the physician that helped me earlier. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I don’t even remember his name.
“How’re you holding up?”