“Warm body, that’s not a very good description,” I say with halfhearted humor.
“What do you want to know? She’s pretty and intelligent? Well, she is both of those things, but I’m not expecting any more than that. We all aren’t lucky to have what you two have, Cate. I’m not expecting a fairytale ending.”
I narrow my eyes at him.
“With an attitude like that, you won’t get one either. She could be your happily ever after if you give her a chance.”
I see the humor leave him and he’s got his dead serious face on.
“She can warm my bed, but nothing will thaw this cold heart.”
He points to his chest and I place my hand there.
“Don’t bullshit me Ben Rhoades. I know you now. You aren’t the cold-hearted bastard I used to think you were.” Which is probably the reason my crush on him died shortly after it began back when I was a preteen. He had a reputation of breaking hearts and bad boys were never my thing. “I feel your beating heart and you deserve to be happy.”
“I am happy. I’m happy for you and Drew.” He steps away like he’s in a hurry. “Anyway, I’ve got to get going. I have to help my parents move furniture or something.” He grabs his coat. “It was really good seeing you, Cate.”
Then he is gone. I stand there worried about him. He hasn’t been himself or so Jenna’s told me. When she comes downstairs with her purse, she says, “Where’s Benny?”
I’m still trying to think how I can help him as I mutter, “He left, something about helping your parents.”
She snickers. “I’m glad you’re here. I have an excuse not to go over there. Mom’s in her re-decorating mode. And ever since Dad put the brakes on her shopping, she rearranges furniture every month instead.” She rolls her eyes. “Let’s go find a dress. I need something that will make Brandon jealous.”
Two nights later, I watch as Andy and Ben talk in one corner. Jenna and some cute guy chat in another. My parents and Jenna’s are sitting on the couch and other various people are having great animated conversations.
For a Christmas Eve, I pronounce all is fine in the world. So far, everyone has taken the news well that I’m with Drew again.
When the front door buzzes, I watch as Ben opens the door. When the McKnights, my in-laws walk in, Andy is immediately by my side. My heart races when their eyes lock on me, I know the conversation to come will be the hardest of any I’ve had so far.
“AND? TELL ME ABOUT YOUR scans, Drew.” His expression, the downbeat look on his face, pretty much says it all. But he has to speak, and I know he needs to get it off his chest, even though he doesn’t want to tell me.
He shakes his head. “It’s come back. I lit up the pictures like a fucking Christmas tree. It’s everywhere. I’m stopping all treatment.” He holds up his hand to prevent me from talking. “I’ve been in every one of their conferences, Cate. I know the outcome data on all the protocols and I’ve failed everything. I want to live what little there is left of my life feeling better than I do right now. I don’t have much time, but what I do have, I want those days to be enjoyable. I know this should probably be partly your decision, too, but I’m making it on my own. I have some things I need to take care of, business and personal things, and I wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing if I feel like shit all the time. I hope you can understand my point here. I’m sorry I’ve put you through all this shit.”
He offers up a sad smile and I throw myself at him. I don’t know how I’ll live without him. One thing I do know—this world will be shit without Drew McKnight.
“Me? You’re worried about me? I want you to at least consider trying, Drew.”
“It’s no use, Cate. If I thought there was the slightest of chances, I would give it a go. But there isn’t. Try to understand.”
The words I want to say I can’t, because I want to scream and yell. I want to shake him and tell him NO! Don’t give up.
“Cate?”
My head jerks up. “What?”
“Look at me. I mean, really look at me. And take your blinders off.” He holds his arms out. “This is cancer, killing me. It’s what it does; it’s called advanced disease progression. I’m at the point of palliative care.”
“I-I don’t know what that means.”
“It means Rosenberg will make me comfortable with whatever he has to use. Pain meds, maybe some low doses of chemo.”
“But you just said you were done trying chemo.”
“For a cure. This would be for pain management. That’s what palliative care is. I’ll be comfortable, I promise.” The ironic thing is his voice has a soothing quality to it.
“Drew, are you good with this?”
He lets out a short laugh. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”
No, he doesn’t. It’s not like he ordered this off the menu.
“Jesus, I don’t know what to say.”
“All I want you to say is that you accept my decision and pray for a miracle.”