“DC,” I say to no one in particular.
That sparks conversation all around me. Drew uses the opportunity to draw me down the hall away from everyone. He pulls me into an office and closes the door.
“Andy, what’s going on?”
He takes my hands and my heart begins to race.
“I planned to talk to you about this later tonight. I didn’t expect they would put me or you on the spot like this.”
My eyes are wide because I don’t know what he’s about to do.
“Cate, I love you and I always have, you know this.”
I nod. I’m so very afraid he’ll get on one knee. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
“Roslyn is coming back part-time to the office. However, they want to bring me on full time. To help justify the cost, they want to open a satellite office in DC. I’ll be there most of the time but will have a couple of days in Baltimore a month and will rotate hospital hours in both DC and Baltimore. It means I could move to DC.”
“That’s great,” I say.
His smile dips. “You don’t seem happy.”
“It’s not that. I’m just overwhelmed. It’s a lot. But it sounds like a fantastic opportunity.”
Even I know the smile on my face is a little weak. I try to crank it up because isn’t this what I’ve wanted?
The delight on his face falls. “You don’t want us to move into together.”
“I’m not saying that. I just need some time.”
He nods. “You’re right. I’ve grown to enjoy the area, but I’ll be honest with you. You sweeten the deal. If you don’t want this, if you don’t want me …”
He stops, not finishing his thought. I want to tell him everything is great. The words are stuck in my throat for reasons that make me itch to run. I promised him I wouldn’t.
He takes my hand and opens the door. He leads me back to the main room as hugs are being doled out and coos are being made over the baby. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I can’t explain what’s come over me and why I’m not happy when moments ago, I was dreaming of babies with Andy.
The drive back to his place is quiet. We get undressed and do our nightly ritual without saying much. I know Andy is hurt and I never meant to be the one to hurt him. It’s almost awkward when we climb into bed. Still he pulls me close.
“Cate,” he says softly.
“Yes.” I feel the panic rising in me, unsure what he will say or ask of me.
“I want this shot at a future with you. You have all the reasons in the world to be scared. And I know you said you wouldn’t run. But I won’t hold you hostage. If you can’t be with me, it will hurt like hell, but I would rather you say it.”
I keep my clam trap shut at first. He lets out a long suffering breath of air. I meet his pleading eyes.
“I’m scared.” It’s a truth he deserves to know.
“What are you scared of?”
“Everything. I’m scared of how people will react when they find out. Mostly, I’m scared my heart can’t handle breaking a second time.”
“No one else matters. Just you and I. And I swear Cate, I won’t break your heart.”
“You can’t guarantee that.”
He doesn’t counter because he knows there is truth in my words. Instead, he wraps strong arms around me and holds me tight. He strokes my hair while I let out quiet sobs.
When finally the tears ease and I can speak, I whisper the words, “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He breathes the phrase and I find myself searching and listening to the beat of his heart. It’s a long time before I can sleep.
Tomorrow is the party at the hospital. His future partners will be there. I need to have some answers for Andy in the morning and I fear what I want. I don’t think I’ll be able to feel solid about our relationship until it’s out in the open with our family and friends. That means I need to tell him about Jenna’s party. No doubt Ben will be there.
IN HIS ARMS, I WAKE up feeling safe. I lay still, content in his comforting embrace. I want to memorize his smell, his touch, his love, so I’ll never forget it. And I know it’s the past that continues to haunt me. Yet, he’s still here even after my minor freak out over finding out he wants to stay in the area for me.
When he begins to stir, I turn to face him.
“Good Morning.”
He presses his lips to mine. “Morning.”
I reach to twine my fingers in his hair. “Your hair is getting long.”
He gives me an impish grin. “I know. You want to cut it for me?”
I shake my head, knowing I’m dancing around the unspoken issue, so I push forward. “About last night…”
He takes my hand and presses a soft kiss to my fingertips. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung that on you, especially with everyone there watching.”
“It’s wasn’t your fault,” I say. He hadn’t been the one to bring it up. “And besides, I want you to stay.”
A cautious smile blossoms on his face. “Are you sure?”