I drain the bottle into the glasses, take another gulp and say, “Yeah, I gave them to him but we never really spoke about it afterwards. I couldn’t face Josh back then. Couldn’t face him telling me anything about Conner, well, him not telling me anything was really the problem. Every time I saw your brother, I was so hopeful, desperate in fact, that he might have a message for me, that in the end it was a lot less painful to just avoid him. So, yeah, anyway, I never heard back from him and I’ve never tried to make contact since.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes and sip on our wine. The television is still muted and the scenes being shown are fans of Shift standing in front of the hotel they’re staying at. They are holding onto each other and crying. Sophie’s phone chimes as it receives a text message and my stomach has another little dance party inside my belly. I keep my eyes on the telly and notice that the banner along the bottom of the screen is displaying a message that states that the band and their management will be holding a press conference at three p.m., Chicago time. I instantly reach for my phone on the coffee table to work out what time that will be in the UK.
“They’re holding a press conference at about eight o’clock tonight our time,” Sophie states.
I put my phone back down and let out a long breath.
“You doing all right, Neen, honestly?”
I’m closer to Sophie than I am any of my family members. As ashamed as I should be, but I’m actually not, of the fact that I love her more than my parents or brother.
We work together five days a week and we have dinner together at least once a week. I visit her mum more than I visit my own, but she has no idea about the world of hurt I’ve lived with these past fifteen years. She has no idea about the deal I did with my brother to get the loan to buy our first salon, and she has no idea how desperately I was trying to make my marriage work. I burst into tears and she’s at my side in an instant.
“Oh Nina, come on babe. Let’s not get too upset till we know what’s going on.”
I shake my head while wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
“I don’t know why I care, Soph. I really wish I didn’t give a shit. He left me… he left me at the worst possible moment in my life. After everything we’d planned, after everything he had promised me, he just left me.” I gulp on my drink and almost choke on my words, my sobs and my wine. “He left me lying in that hospital bed and went out to sell drugs with his brother. I just wish I knew why, Soph? I just wish I knew what happened between me speaking to him that morning and him doing what he did that night…” I pause for a few seconds and try and draw a breath. The wine has hit me already, and I’m feeling light headed and emotional.
“Has Josh never said anything? Never mentioned that Conner had told him how he ended up with Miles that night?” She tucks her legs underneath her and sits back into the corner of the sofa.
“The only thing he ever asked was where we were that night. My mum had already told me that she’d told him, we all went to a function at some hotel, so I just stuck with that story.”
Sophie’s mum, Jen, had come to the hospital that night and held me while I cried myself to sleep. I’d never even told my own mother about my stay in the hospital and I probably never would.
“Have you ever told him the truth since?”
She shakes her head. “No hun, that’s not my secret to tell. As far as I know, the only people that know are me, you, your brother, Marcus and my mum. I don’t think my dad ever even knew for sure what happened, and he certainly never mentioned it if he did work it out.”
My phone alerts me of a text message, it’s Marcus. I swipe it open to read.
Lunch ran over. Still have another 4 holes to play. I’ll get dinner out with the boys so it’ll probs be a late one. Don’t wait up. xox
I roll my eyes. Fucking golf! It bores me senseless.
“It’s Marcus, telling me not to wait up.”
“How’s things going between you two?”
Sophie’s aware that we’ve been trying for a baby and that things have been a little bit tense between us.
“They’re okay, mostly.”
“Mostly?” she asks with raised eyebrows. Sophie’s not a fan of Marcus, she thinks he’s too stuck up and full of himself. She’s probably right, he can be, but he’s not like it all the time just most of the time.
“He’s still refusing to go and have any tests done. Reckons that we need to give it another six months.”
“And are you happy with that?”
I shake my head. “No, I’ve made an appointment to see my doctor on Tuesday. I need to know if there’s a problem. Marcus is pretty convinced that if there is, it’ll be with me, so I just need to prepare myself. I need to know one way or another.”
“Neen, I’m sorry but your husband can be such a prick sometimes. Who the fuck tells their wife that if they fail to conceive then it’s probably their fault?” I open my mouth to speak, but she puts her hand out to stop me. “No, let me just say this. He should be supporting and reassuring you right now. He should be telling you that everything is gonna be fine and that it’ll all work out. Not disappearing every weekend to play fucking golf, and definitely not telling you that it’s your fault you’ve failed so far in getting knocked up.”