“Oh, really? Fuck Josh.” Her eyes come up to meet mine, but they give me nothing.
Josh runs his own events management company. He organises global tours for some of the world’s biggest bands and artists. His company organises various events and promotions at club openings, film premiere after parties and all sorts of other occasions where a celebration might be needed. He’d done really well for himself, rubbing shoulders with the world's rich and famous and I knew that he’d kept in contact with Conner over the years. They used to be really close. Josh was away on a skiing trip that New Year when everything fell apart and Conner was sent to prison. I know that he used to visit him every couple of weeks, but when I didn’t hear anything back after pouring my heart out in the two letters I’d asked Josh to pass on to him, I just stayed away from Sophie’s house for a while. I stayed away from everyone and everything really. I became a bit of a recluse… sat at home, stayed in my room, ate crap and piled on the weight. Once I made the decision to leave school and get a job, I came back to life a little bit. Working in the hairdressers and dealing with the public was good for me and especially good for my self-confidence, which had been hovering around level zero after Conner had left me. Added to that was my mother constantly telling me I needed to lose some weight. My brother also joined in that chant, making snide comments whenever he was visiting my parents’ house. All of which made me retreat to my bedroom and just eat more crap.
“Yeah, I will do. Call me as soon as you hear anything. Love your face too. Bye.”
My eyelids suddenly felt heavy, the adrenalin had slowed and now I just wanted to sleep.
Sophie pours us both a glass of wine and slumps back into the sofa opposite me.
I watch her, really not sure if I want her to tell me what Josh has said or if I just want to leave this room, go up to bed and sleep soundly for a few hours, waking up to find that this has all been a bad dream.
“The only thing he knows for sure is that it’s a band member, and the body was found in Jet and Conner’s room.”
I take a sip of my wine. “It’s not him, I know it’s not him.” Sophie tilts her head to the side and nods at me slowly. “Don’t look at me like that, Soph. I know we were young, I know it was a long time ago and I know he did what he did.” I take another gulp of my wine, my mouth feeling incredibly dry. “And just like I know all of that to be true, I know that Conner’s not dead. I would know.”
She studies me for a bit, sipping on her wine. “Have you ever spoken to him since that night? I know we’ve never really spoken about it, but have you ever had any contact with him, whatsoever?”
I shake my head, my eyes stinging with tears. Even after all these years, the hurt and rejection I felt back then is still painful. I’ve just never understood why he did what he did. Perhaps if I’d been given an explanation, some answers, I would’ve been able to move on.
“No, the last time I spoke to him was when I got to your house that morning and called to tell him I was going shopping with you.” I chew on the inside of my cheek. “Pearce said he tried calling him a few times from the hospital, but he never answered.”
Sophie takes a large gulp of her wine. I shrug my shoulders, my nose stinging at the tears that desperately want to escape. “I wrote him a couple of letters and gave them to Josh to give to him while he was inside, but I never heard a word back, not a single word.” I make a little noise as I speak and try not to cry. A tear finally wins the battle that I’ve been fighting to fall and plops from my eye onto my left cheek. I swipe it away, angry at myself for getting upset about something that happened so long ago. Angry that I’m so upset that something bad may have happened to someone that probably hasn’t given me a second thought these past fifteen years, who has probably forgotten that I even exist.
“Josh never told me, that you’d given him letters I mean.”
I lean toward our wine glasses with the bottle in my hand and top them up. They’re big glasses, meant for red really, but we use them for white, something that continuously pisses my husband off, like the world will end because I’ve used the wrong glass.