All of my energy was spent on building my business. I explained all of this to him and he seemed to take it well enough. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I just didn’t love him. I was still numb inside from everything that had gone down with Conner and to make it worse, he was starting to make it big with his band ‘Shift’ and as happy as I was for him, it hurt, it hurt so fucking much.
I’d see his face on the cover of the magazines that we had in the salon and I’d feel so much pride in the fact that he’d turned his life around and done so well, but I was also a little bitter. We had such plans. I’d really believed that we were so in love, but he just left me lying in that hospital, and despite all of the phone calls that were made, he chose to go out and sell drugs with his brother and had almost gotten himself killed. I don’t know all of the exact details of what went on that night, I was high on the morphine that’d been pumped through my system. When I heard he’d been arrested and then remanded, I sent a couple of letters off to him, just asking for an explanation as to why he’d chosen to do that and to not be with me. He never replied. So I took that as a blatant knockback and decided to move on with my life. I deleted his number from my phone, buried the hurt, the sense of loss and betrayal deep down inside of me and carved out a new life for myself.
They say you never forget your first and I’m sure that’s probably true, but when your first becomes a singer and guitarist in one of the world’s biggest bands, whose voice and face are constantly heard and seen on TV and radio, it’s pretty much impossible.
For a few years, I fantasised that he would come back for me, hold me in his arms and tell me it's all been a big misunderstanding. But as the band’s popularity grew and I heard the rumours and saw the images of him with a different woman every week, I knew that any thoughts or feelings Conner had for me were long gone and forgotten.
I had managed to ward off any more proposals from Marcus for three whole months after his original offer of marriage and then a few things happened at once. Marcus’s dad dropped dead on the golf course and Marcus was put in charge of Newman and Associates law firm. Marcus, once again proposed marriage, but this time he’d told my brother what he was going to do and my brother told me in no uncertain terms, if I didn’t accept that he would be pulling his money out of the business, with immediate effect.
We were just, only just, starting to break even and there was absolutely no way I could afford to pay my brother back, but I also didn’t want to marry Marcus. He was a nice enough person, well off and successful and he was actually really good looking, in a very lawerish kind of way, but I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. I told my brother that I would go to the bank and see if they would loan me the money. My brother promptly told me that if I didn’t say yes and accept Marcus’s proposal, then he would go to the papers and tell them everything about my relationship with Conner Reed, including what happened on that final night of the last millennium.
I didn’t know what kind of effect that would have on my business or on my mother’s career. She was now the local MP for our area and minister for something to do with things that went on overseas. I’ve never been sure of her exact title. But, I also didn’t know what kind of effect the news might have on Conner’s blossoming career. The press had already gone to town on the fact that he’d been to prison and that his mother had been murdered. Whatever our history was, I didn’t want his name splashed all over the papers for the wrong reasons again.
So, I accepted. I thought I might grow to love Marcus and we would be okay. I tried, I really did try. I’m still trying, but nights like tonight just leave me numb and lonely. They leave me sad and regretful of my choices. They leave me feeling nothing but anger toward my brother and the way that he manipulated me, but most of all they leave me feeling empty.
I let my silent tears roll from my eyes, into my ears and around the back of my neck before I eventually curl up into the foetal position and drift off to sleep. Knowing that I have no one but myself to blame for the way my life has turned out. I should’ve been stronger, I should’ve stood up to my brother and not let him coerce me into my sham of a marriage, and as much as I wanted to do something about it, I knew that I wouldn’t. I would remain the dutiful wife, daughter and sister. I would remain a coward and accept my fate.
I wake to a cold empty space on my husband’s side of the bed. I wasn’t a particularly heavy sleeper, so it always amazed me how he was able to slip out of bed and get ready for golf without waking me.