“I’m good mate, I really couldn’t face food right now.”
He shakes his head at me. “Dom, Gunner, get out here,” he orders. The other boys walk out and we all stand and wait to hear what Lawson has to say. “I’ve called a press conference for three. I want you to get some food inside you, have a shower and try and look like you’re doing okay.” He looks each of us in the eye and I think for a few seconds he’s going to cry. “This is fucking horrible and it’s only gonna get worse over the next few days. Let’s face the press together and then come back to my room and get totally fucked up. Let me answer any questions about how Jet died and about the band’s future. Reed, it’s all gonna be aimed at you, as the word already seems to be out that you were the one who found him. Just answer what you feel is appropriate and leave the rest to me.” He looks at all of us again and lets out a long sigh. “How’s everyone doing, honestly? How’s Chelsea and Jade?” he asks Dom and Gun. “We’ve put extra security in place throughout the hotel and booked out all the rooms on this floor. I think it’ll be best if the kids all stay here or fly home when we go to New York for the funeral, assuming that’s where his dad wants it held.”
“What about what Jet wanted?” Dom asks.
“What?” Lawson frowns in confusion.
“Jet wanted his funeral to take place at his house in Santa Monica. Then he wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the Pacific, in front of the house. He’s talked about it a few times. He said it was written in his will.”
We’ve all heard Jet say this. I don’t know why Laws isn’t remembering it.
“Shit! Yeah, he did. I remember him talking about it now.” Lawson’s face suddenly crumbles and he starts to cry. Amanda reaches out her hand to him and pats him on the shoulder. It’s a cold disingenuous move and for the first time in a long time, I feel the need to actually want to give someone a cuddle, or is it that I’m suddenly overcome with the need to be cuddled, to be held. This life we lead is so fucking shallow and superficial. Until Gunner put his arms around me earlier, I actually don’t remember the last time someone put their arms around me out of a gesture of pure love and affection, because they just wanted to reassure me everything would be all right. It was probably the last time I left England, which is now over a year ago. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been touched. The boys, Dom, Jet and Gun, we all go in for the manly back slap kind of cuddle and then there are the photos with the fans, they usually put their arms around me. But the last time, I had a real full on cuddle was probably from my niece, Evie.
She’s my brother Jordan’s little girl and for some reason, the kid loves me. All my nieces and nephews love me, but especially Evie. When I last left England, she’d clung to my neck and cried when I was leaving for the airport. She begged me not to go, she begged to come with me. My brother had to uncurl her little fat fingers from around my neck to prize her hands away. I hate being away so much. Every chance I get I go back to England, but the kids always seem to have changed so much in the time I’ve been away. I Skype and FaceTime them as much as possible, especially Ethan, he’s my only nephew. We talk every Sunday afternoon, after his football match. We talk football, music and now that he’s turned sixteen, we talk girls too if his mum, dad and sister aren’t about.
I reach up and drag both my hands through my hair. I feel like my skin is on fire. I stand up from the chair I’ve sat down on at some stage, but my legs don’t want to move so I sit down again. My skin feels clammy, my heart’s pounding and I suddenly feel sick. I want to go home. I want to be with my brothers and my dad. I want to be a million miles away from all this bullshit and I don’t want any of it to be true.
Just over an hour later, we’re sitting in a row behind a table, the world’s press piled into the hotel’s conference room. In front of us, reporters, television cameras, photographers and boom mics, along with a sea of faces sit, crouch and stand before us.
Lawson puts his hand up to quiet everyone. The lawyer that was with me earlier sits to Lawson’s left, I sit to his right. Next to me is Dom, then Gunner. The room slowly becomes quiet as Lawson clears his throat.