"What the heck does that even mean?" She begins to pace.
"It means we could go round and round, but I don't have any answers. The only thing I know is I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry I'm a douche bag who can't give you what you deserve. Fuck, I want to give it to you. If I didn't care about you, I would look into your eyes and tell you the words that mean everything." I throw my hands up the air. "If and when I know I will tell you. Jesse, when I say them, you can trust that I will mean it with my entire soul. I want to give you that one day. And if that never happens, I'll be the one who loses. I will be the dumb ass." She finally gives me a small one-sided smile. It's fake, but at least I'm one step closer to holding her again.
"Can we pretend again? Can we do what we did at the game and pretend I didn't say anything."
"Absolutely not." Her head snaps to the side. "Gorgeous, those are the most beautiful words you can say to someone, and I'll be damned if I'm going to forget the sound of them coming from your lips. I'm sealing this into my memory for the rest of my life. I just hope that one day I'll be able to give that back to you."
"Do you promise to tell me if you realize you'll never be able to fall in love with me? You know...not string me along."
"I swear on my life."
"Do you promise to tell me the split second that you realize how stupid you are, and that you have loved me all along?"
"I look forward to it."
"Do we have time for me to go fix my make up?" she asks, running her fingers through the black mess under her eyes.
"I'll wait forever if I need to."
She looks down at her sexy shoes and shakes her head, "The sad thing is...so will I."
"Jesse...I won't make you wait forever. Just give me a little more time to get my head straight." I worry that if I don't touch her now, I might not ever get the chance again.
Reaching out, I circle her into my arms and kiss her head. I don't want this to be sexy. I just want to give her back even an ounce of what she has given me tonight, but she pulls away all too quickly.
"Okay, I'll be right back." She heads up the stairs leaving me alone standing in the cold, and feeling like a total jackass. Very fitting.
A few minutes later she returns looking more beautiful than ever. A smile plastered across her face. A smile I know isn't real, but it still manages to steal my breath.
I swing open the passenger side door as she slides inside without a single word. "Jesse James, are you ready for some horrible banquet food?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood.
"Brett, promise me something." Her voice is stern and serious. I prepare myself to make her yet another heartfelt promise. Hell, I'll promise her anything at this point. "If dinner sucks, promise me we can order room service."
I laugh, leaning my head back in relief. "I swear. Actually, even if it's not terrible, we should at the very least order dessert."
"Maybe we can get into our pajamas and order one of those chocolate cakes with the melted chocolate inside."
"Absolutely, well...except for the pajamas part. No pajamas." She finally gives me a genuine Jesse smile.
Jesse
Two weeks later…
THINGS HAVE surprisingly been great since I opened my big mouth confessing my love to Brett. I figured it would get weird, or it might even scare him away completely. But if anything, he's started coming around more often. It's as if showing up almost every day is his way of proving to me that he does care. I think he might feel guilty for not sharing my feelings. Just what Brett needs, more guilt.
He and I live in a perfect little world of denial. We don't talk about Sarah or our feelings. We definitely don't talk about a future together. We just exist, hanging out and talking about our days, but never our tomorrows. Somehow it works. I keep telling myself that I should ask about Sarah. Maybe try to help Brett move forward, but I always chicken out at the last minute and end up having sex with him instead. At least we're good at the sex part.
Last week, Brett shocked the heck out of me by asking me to spend Christmas with his family. I used every excuse I could think of to get out of going. It's not that I didn't want to go...okay, it was completely that I didn't want to go. I'm not ready to meet Brett's family. What if they look at me like the other woman? I'm sure they were close with Sarah. What are they going to think of him seeing someone new now? But Brett pulled out the trump card, and invited Kara first. She of course jumped at the opportunity to spend the night with the Sharp family. When I informed her later that he doesn't have any brothers, she was pretty disappointed.