Jess doesn't react, so like an idiot, I breathe a sigh of relief. She must not have heard me. I should have learned by now though-God hates me. Big brown eyes look up at me, standing on the sidewalk outside her apartment, she asks a question. The one damn question that could change everything.
"What do you love, Brett?" You. Oh for fuck sake, what is wrong with me? This is dating. Get your shit together asshole and answer the center of your world’s question. Jesus Christ. I'm getting all poetic now. I need to shut up and get in the car before my mouth starts spewing Shakespeare.
"I love that your name is Jesse James. I have every intention of chanting it later tonight." Sex. Yes, sex is a safe topic. Let's stick with that.
"Oh...um, yeah. I like the sound of that." She tries to pretend she isn't disappointed by my answer. I can see it in her eyes. I know she was hoping for more, but I have nothing more.
"Come on gorgeous, I owe you dinner, drinks, and dancing." She stays silent and disappointment paints her face.
Damn it, this was supposed to be a good night, but once again I've screwed everything up. I need to bring her back to me. So I leave out the questionable parts and tell her the truth.
Backing her into the side of my car, I tell her some things she doesn't know. It's not what she wants to hear but hopefully it’s enough to make the spark flicker back into her eyes.
"Gorgeous, look at me," her eyes immediately flash up to mine. "I love spending time with you. I love watching you wake up in the morning. You always do this adorable little stretch, and roll away from me so I can't smell your morning breath," I laugh and she just rolls her eyes. "I love watching you cook, because even when there is no music, you always shake your ass to an imaginary beat. I love watching you lay on the couch pretending to like football." She tries to interrupt me, so I lean forward and place a soft kiss to her lips to keep her quiet. "I've known for weeks that you don't like football, but I love that you pretend for me. I have no idea how you beat me in those bets a few months ago, but it’s obvious you aren’t really a football shark. I love that too." I look down to see tears pooling in her eyes.
The tears confuse me. I'm giving her the only substitution I have for those three magical words I can't possibly begin to say.
"Brett, all of those things are sweet, and there are a lot of things I love about you too. Most of all, I just love...you." I suck in a breath, knowing things will never be the same again.
"Jesse..." I start to say something, but I have no idea what. Luckily she stops me first.
"I love you. I'm an idiot, and I know you don't feel the same, but I freaking love you. I promised myself a few weeks ago, I was going to give this thing with you my all, and that includes my heart. If it falls apart so be it, but at least I'll know I tried. I won't say it again, but I needed to say it just once before I had a chance to chicken out. So there you have it. I love you. Do with it what you want. Run, hide, file it away under crazy things psycho girlfriends say, I don't care...but at least now I know it's out there." She pauses to wipe away a single tear.
"Jesse..." I try to think of something to fix this, but come up empty handed.
"Can we please go now? I have a sudden urge to get drunk, and I'm not talking sexy drunk. I'm talking, drunk enough to forget the last twenty-four hours of my life, drunk. It's open bar right?" I just nod and pull her into a deep apologizing hug.
I can feel her shoulders shake as she begins to cry into my dress uniform. This is not the way this evening was supposed go. Outside her apartment, standing in the freezing cold, I hold her, giving her all I have to offer: a heartless, warm body.
"I'm done." My nonexistent heart lurches into my throat at the possible meanings of her words.
"Umm..."
"Are we going to be okay?" she timidly asks, not wanting the answer any more than I want to give it. "I mean, can you handle that I'm in love with you? Or is this the end?"
"Can you handle the fact that I can't tell you the same thing?” I ask the bigger question.
"Look, don't mess around with me here. Please. If this is a point you will never get to, let me go now. I don't want to go, but if you know this isn’t something you want, then please let me go before I lose myself completely in you."
"Jesse..."
"Stop saying my damn name and talk!" she yells, frustrated by my inability to communicate.
"I don't know what to say! I can't make you any promises, and I'd be setting us both up for failure if I tried. Gorgeous, I want to be with you. I want to see where this goes. I can't tell you those magical words, but I'm not ruling out that one day I will."