Rob’s mouth fell open. ‘What?’
‘I didn’t know he was my patient or how old he was – obviously, I hope – until today,’ I continued quickly. ‘He came to the surgery this morning using a fake name to get in to see me. Apparently, I’ve treated him before, but I have absolutely no memory of that. Once I realised who he was, I made him aware that I could no longer be his doctor and that he wasn’t to come near me again. That’s what I was discussing with David when you arrived at lunchtime. After I’d finished work, though, he was waiting for me alongside our car. He kissed me, which David witnessed. That’s what David’s text is referring to; he’s going to have no choice but to do something official about it now, after what he saw. This “boy” also told me that unless I had sex with him again, he would tell everyone what we did; so either way, it’s all going to come out.’
Rob closed his eyes, before saying hesitantly: ‘You’ve had sex with a patient who David saw you kissing this afternoon?’
‘No, he was kissing me,’ I corrected instantly. ‘But, yes, he was the one from Ibiza. He says he recognised me in the club but, as far as I was concerned, he was a complete stranger. I was very drunk, but, even so, he didn’t look seventeen in the slightest.’
Rob’s eyes snapped open. ‘That’s supposed to make this better?’
‘No,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m just trying to explain because I can hear how this sounds to you.’
‘Can you?’ His eyebrows lifted. ‘Can you, really? So how do you think I feel right now?’ There was no mistaking the rising anger in his voice.
I took a deep breath. ‘Disgusted, revolted, angry, unable to believe it. All the things I felt when I discovered his actual age.’
‘How could you?’ Rob interrupted. ‘And before you say ANYTHING, Hannah was twenty-six. That’s different to this.’
Thrown by this unexpected comparison, I nonetheless managed to choose my words carefully. ‘I’m not about to do the “men get to sleep with young women, so why shouldn’t women get to sleep with young men” bit,’ I said clearly. ‘Personally, I don’t think it’s OK for anyone of our age to have sex with someone who is emotionally vulnerable, or at the very least impressionable, which I think most young adults are, up until their late twenties.’
‘Oh come, on!’ Rob exclaimed. ‘They’re not even vaguely on the same page!’
‘I’m not actually trying to defend anything. Had I known what I was doing, it would have been a complete abuse of power. But—’ I raised my voice slightly, holding a hand up because Rob was starting to exclaim angrily again, ‘I had no idea. Yes, what I’ve done – albeit unwittingly – makes me feel sick to my stomach. Yes, it’s horrendous that he’s only seventeen but, come on, Rob, you must know I would never, ever have had sex with him if I’d known how old he was? I didn’t actually do anything wrong other than have a one-night stand with a stranger, or so I thought.’
‘He kissed you this afternoon?’ Rob ignored me. ‘I don’t even know how to process this.’ He got up suddenly and started to pace around the room. ‘So…’ I watched him start to do the maths. ‘He’s still at school?’ He looked at me horrified, and I nodded.
‘Jesus fucking Christ, Alex!’ He glanced at me again, as if I might somehow be an imposter sitting in the room who just looked and sounded exactly like his wife of eight years. ‘I can’t believe that you wouldn’t have known; you’ve got eyes, haven’t you? And you must have recognised him.’
‘There are thousands of patients on the surgery books: I see someone every ten minutes at work; plus, I was drunk and, like I said, he looks much older. He’s very tall, he—’
‘No!’ Rob said. ‘I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want detail.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to talk about this any more full stop. I need some space.’
‘We have to talk about it. We need to decide what—’
‘No, we really don’t.’ He started walking towards the door.
‘Rob – wait!’ I jumped up and put my hands out to stop him, but he pushed me to one side and kept going. ‘Please, stop!’ I whispered desperately, tears rushing to my eyes but not wanting to wake the girls with shouting. ‘Please stay and talk to me about this.’ I grabbed onto his arms with both hands, and he started to shake me off.
‘Don’t touch me! You’re a mother, Alex! You’ve got two children yourself.’
‘But when you say you’re going, what do you mean? Going where? Please just stay and hear me out!’ I begged.
‘What more is there to say?’
‘I didn’t know who he was!’ I implored, trying to take his hand. ‘This is me, Rob. I’m your wife!’
‘I said, don’t touch me!’ He stepped back, defensively pulling his hands up high, out of my reach, before putting them on his head, looking at me with wide eyes. ‘I cannot believe this. I just want you to leave me alone.’
‘No!’ I insisted, standing in his way. ‘This isn’t fair. I didn’t do this to you when you told me about Hannah.’
‘She’s an adult, I’m not her doctor and I wasn’t caught in a compromising position with her this afternoon!’ he exclaimed. ‘Excuse me, please.’ He tried to pass again, and once more I blocked his way. ‘I said, get out of my way!’ He raised his voice.
‘Please, shhhh! I don’t want to wake the girls.’ I pleadingly held a finger up to my lips. ‘How many more times can I say it – I didn’t know, but if you leave me now, it’ll make it look like I did. Everyone will believe I’m the person you’re saying I am now. And I’m not! I’m not.’
I lost all control at that point and was so deeply distressed that I started crying in that completely abandoned way that feels scarily child-like because of its lack of boundaries, and for the person watching borders on them wondering if you’ve become dangerously unhinged. I sank to my knees on the carpet, at his feet, and sobbed.
‘Stop it,’ he said, after a moment. ‘I don’t want the kids to hear you like this.’
I wasn’t able to. Everything that had happened in the three weeks since he’d nervously confessed to having sex with Hannah – over breakfast the Saturday morning after the night before, when the girls had just left the table and scampered off into the sitting room to watch TV in their pyjamas, and I’d asked if he wanted another coffee – had crashed over me like a wave and dragged me out to sea. I couldn’t catch my breath.
He looked down at me silently, then stepped past me and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Winded with pain, I collapsed into the foetal position, hugging my knees to my chest as I cried. I saw Hannah’s hard little eyes staring at me in the doorway of her flat and heard Jonathan catching his breath when his lips had touched mine. I was bereft that Rob and I had allowed them into our marriage, and terrified at what now lay ahead.
* * *
I’m not sure how long I lay there, long enough for the tears to simply run out, but eventually I heard the door open again, and a large wodge of loo roll appeared in front of my face. Rob was crouched behind me.
‘Here,’ he said. ‘Take this.’
I reached out and, lifting my head, obediently wiped my eyes, and my nose.
‘Sit up,’ he said, and taking my shoulders, he rocked me upright, then sat down on the carpet, leaning back on the sofa adjacent to me, his hands resting on his knees. We sat in silence for a moment before he asked: ‘Do you swear that you didn’t know who he was in the club?’
‘Of course,’ I said, exhausted.
‘And he kissed you earlier? Not the other way around?’