He exclaimed again and rolled his eyes. ‘OK, OK. You “didn’t know”.’ He mimed inverted commas. ‘I get it, but we still need to talk.’
I started to slide sideways in my chair, as far away from him as I could get, very slowly. So if I’d seen him in a medical capacity… for what? Something general, or more serious? Did he have mental health issues? Was I potentially in danger right now? I squished myself in the corner, turned slightly so I could face him, and said as calmly as I could manage: ‘OK, what do you want to talk about?’
He hesitated at my deliberately measured tone, noting it immediately. ‘Don’t do that doctor voice. I see you in a club in Ibiza, of all places, so I smile. You don’t say anything, but you don’t have to, it’s written all over your face. I walk up, we start kissing. We go back to your hotel. You make it clear what you want, we do it and then the next morning you basically tell me “thanks very much, now fuck off”. I’ve never had a girl do that to me. Girls don’t do that to me. I leave, and I still don’t get it. But, whatever. Shit happens. Except then you’re suddenly standing in my house, because you knew that if you showed up, I’d come and find you afterwards. And I have. I’m here.’ He sat back and threw open his arms. ‘What is it you want from me, Alex?’
I looked at him, frightened. ‘Nothing! I don’t want anything from you!’
He glanced sideways and snorted. ‘Is this some sort of game to you? Bored, married woman seeks attention? I’m not that kind of bloke, sorry. I had a massive row with my girlfriend last night just for looking at you yesterday, so can we cut the crap? Yes, I want to see you again. Very much. Yes, I like you, a lot. Tell me where, and I’ll be there. I won’t say anything, no one needs to know and we’ll just… see how it goes.’
I was astonished; for a moment, completely lost for words. ‘To reiterate, when I saw you in the club on Saturday I didn’t recognise you, at all.’
‘I know that’s not true.’
I was taken aback by his bluntness. ‘OK, well, I’m sorry to hear we disagree, but regardless of what you think, I was completely unaware you were known to me. Having relationships with patients is not allowed when you’re a doctor, Jonathan. Especially a patient who is’, I swallowed, ‘only seventeen.’
He looked at the floor. ‘So like I said, that’s a problem now, but not so much when I was fucking you?’
I jerked back in my chair in shock. ‘Can you please not talk to me like that?’
He shrugged and smiled lazily – all while looking straight at me. I could see exactly why, drunk, I’d not thought for one moment that he was too young, too innocent.
I blinked, completely disorientated by everything that was happening in this, my work room. It was as if I were watching a hideous slow-motion car accident unfold in front of me, while somehow also being trapped in the driver’s seat – the car spinning round in circles, seconds before impact. ‘You know, I think it would be best if you left now, actually,’ I managed eventually. I was shell-shocked. I didn’t know what to say.
‘You want me to leave?’
‘Yes, I do.’
He leant forward and put his hand on my leg. ‘I don’t believe you.’
I pushed it off, horrified at his touch.
He flushed violently at my instinctive reaction, sat up even taller and rapidly drummed his fingers on his legs, before abruptly getting to his feet. ‘OK.’ He reached out and grabbed back his temporary treatment form, scrunching it up and shoving it in his pocket.
Even though he was towering over me, he looked humiliated, and I foolishly tried to make it better. ‘I really am very sorry, Jonathan, that you thought my coming to your house was some sort of signal, but please don’t feel embarrassed. I can see it was an honest mistake.’
That only made it worse. He swallowed, almost painfully, and his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he reached into his pocket and pulled his school tie out again, before turning, holding it loosely in his hand so it trailed behind him as he quietly left the room.
Somehow that was the worst bit of the whole encounter, because, for all his height and masculine body, the bravado, expensive watches and tattoos, that one action revealed the youth he evidentially still was.
I turned back to my desk and covered my mouth with my hands, elbows resting on the cheap faux mahogany as I stared at the blank computer screen in front of me. I remained paralysed for a few moments, before jumping up and rushing out, walking smartly down the corridor back to the waiting room. I scanned the sea of faces looking hopefully back at me, in case I was about to call their name, but he wasn’t there, he’d gone.
Any relief was short-lived, however. I drew back and pushed through the door into the reception office. Jen, Tina and Bev looked up at me wearily, and Jen blurted: ‘Oh no! Did you ring through and I haven’t sent the next one in?’
Before I could answer, another phone began to ring.
‘Hang on!’ She snatched it up as, simultaneously, a terse voice called ‘Excuse me?’ from the front desk and Tina swore under her breath. ‘I’m JUST coming, Mrs Peters!’ she called out. ‘One minute.’ She pushed past me as Bev looked desperately at the clock. ‘I’m so sorry, Dr Inglis,’ she said to me. ‘Can you wait for whatever it is for five seconds? I HAVE to go to the loo.’
‘Of course.’ I stood back to let her pass.
Tina had her back to me; Jen was scrabbling round looking for something. Thinking she wanted the duty appointments list, I reached over to Bev’s desk and picked it up, offering it to Jen. She shook her head and pointed at Bev’s pen instead.
I passed it across as Jen mouthed ‘thank you’ and started writing quickly. I looked down at the list in my hands of the appointments I still had to come and had already done. There he was, Shahid Khan. What a bizarre name to have chosen. I stared at the only evidence of him having come into the practice – then placed it down and headed back to my desk.
Jen rang through to me seconds later. ‘I’m so sorry. You’re ready for your next person, I know, but we can’t find the list anywhere.’
‘I put it back on Bev’s desk.’
‘Oh, I’m not saying you’ve lost it,’ she said quickly. ‘Sorry. It’s mayhem out here. Anyway, give me a second and I’ll send them through when we find it, or them.’
* * *
The system came back on about ten minutes after morning surgery finished. By the time I’d done my house visits, come back, dealt with the prescription requests and processed some blood test results, David stuck his head round my door to find me about to start on the sea of paperwork swimming on my desk. ‘You all right, Al? Worst morning for a while, eh?’
I glanced up at him. ‘Yes, it was. David, can you come in for a minute? I need to talk to you.’
‘Ah, yes. You didn’t get to finish your house call story, did you? I’m sorry.’ He came in and collapsed tiredly onto the chair Jonathan had pulled right up to my knee an hour earlier. David was tall too, and the stark reminder of Jonathan sat there, staring, made me shiver.
‘Alex? Do you want to carry on?’
Blinking, I realised David was waiting patiently.
‘Sorry. Things have moved on a bit, actually.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Let’s suppose, hypothetically, one of your colleagues had a one-night stand with a much younger man—’
David started, and sat up a little straighter.
‘And it turns out he’s a patient of hers,’ I continued, looking down so I couldn’t see the expression on David’s face, ‘which obviously she didn’t know at the time – a patient she has apparently also treated in a professional capacity, although she has no memory of that. Let’s also suppose he’s the son of some patients who don’t like her very much and that he turned up at surgery this morning, to see her, because she inadvertently went to his parents’ house last night on call, and he thinks it was some secret signal for them to start something up again.’