By the time I’d finally finished at half past five, I was exhausted. My limbs felt heavy with fatigue and I couldn’t stop yawning, partly through dehydration. For the first time since the previous weekend, I was thinking longingly of a large G&T.
I said goodbye to Cleo and David, the last ones left to lock up, and stepped out into the overcast early evening. Looking for our BMW in the car park, I saw that Rob had typically left it right in the farthest corner, carefully reversed into a space over by the wooded bank that backed onto the gardens of the terraced houses behind. My husband never parks conveniently close to anywhere he wants to be if he can pointlessly park miles away. My shoulders sagged slightly, and I began to walk across the tarmac, thinking about Jonathan sitting in my room talking about fucking, and David’s advice.
It hadn’t even occurred to me that what I’d done might appear to be an emerging pattern of my using appointments to ‘pick up men’. I could see, however, when the two events were placed alongside each other – even with an eight-year time lag between them – it might make my insistence that I’d not known Jonathan was my patient appear unreliable, at best.
David was right, I needed to remove Jonathan from my list quickly. I’d drafted the letter to Gary and Christy Day explaining that, after my house visit, I’d decided it was in everybody’s interest for them to move as a family from my list to my colleague Peter’s, but after the fallout from the morning’s computer fiasco, I hadn’t managed to catch Peter or Cleo in time to confirm that was OK with them before the post went.
I also couldn’t believe Jonathan seemed to think I’d known exactly who he was; it was ridiculous. Knowingly have sex with a seventeen-year-old patient? I’d be struck off immediately – and who in their right mind would risk that happening? Never mind the financial impact, which would be hugely significant for our family: why would I waste all of my years of hard work and gamble away a career I enjoyed? All for one night? It could never be worth it. And that’s before even considering the effect it would have on Rob and the girls.
I imagined our innocent children back at our safe, cosy house, eating tea. By the time my mother was my age, she had a twenty-year-old daughter – older than Jonathan. Christ… I pictured him trailing his school tie behind him as he’d left my office, then recalled the blur of our naked bodies in the dark hotel room and shivered with disgust. I’d had sex flashbacks about various exes many times over the years that had made me feel slightly grossed out, but this was in a different league altogether. It was repulsive. Seventeen.
I reached into my pocket for the keys my husband had given me earlier. I blipped the car unlocked as I approached, walked around to put my bag in the boot, and almost screamed to discover Jonathan, hidden from view by the car, sitting down on a spread-out coat on the grass hillock, next to a rucksack, waiting for me.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ I gasped. ‘You scared the life out of me! You can’t jump out at people like that – Jesus Christ!’ I stepped back, shaking.
‘I didn’t jump out.’ He got up stiffly. He’d obviously been there a while. ‘I just want to talk to you, that’s all.’ Then he opened the passenger side and climbed in.
Aghast, I opened the driver’s side. ‘Get out of my car, now!’ I ordered.
He sighed, as if I was being completely unreasonable, and did as he was told, walking round the bonnet to stand in front of me.
‘Did you not hear what I said to you earlier?’ I demanded. ‘Even if I wanted to, doctors aren’t allowed to have relationships with their patients. I would lose my job.’
‘Jesus, stop being so dramatic. No one’s here. No one’s looking. I just want to talk, not do you in the back of your car.’
I shrank away. Where was the vulnerable boy sitting on his coat of just two seconds ago? He was suddenly talking like some slightly bored and irritated much older man. His shape-shifting was impossible to keep up with. I didn’t know how to place him, how to deal with him.
‘I want you to leave.’
He sighed again. ‘Fine, if we can’t talk privately in the car, I’ll say it here then. I know what’s in this for you, Alex. You wanted attention; I gave it to you. I made you feel better about yourself… but I also liked it. You’re different.’
‘Stop.’ I held my hands up. ‘You don’t understand what it was about at all. I’m not different, I’m a mother. I’ve got two little girls and a husband. I’m old enough to be your mother.’
‘Age is just a number.’
I half laughed in disbelief. ‘You don’t get to say that yet. You’re too young. Just go home, Jonathan.’
He stepped forward suddenly, only inches away from my face, and grabbed my wrist. I could feel his body trembling. ‘We can be careful. No one needs to know.’ He was holding me tightly enough to hurt.
‘Let go of me, now.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.’ His voice was calm, and I had no idea if he was being sincere. After a moment’s pause, he released me. ‘Just sleep with me again,’ he said suddenly. ‘One night, sober, and I’ll leave you alone after that if you still want me to.’
I stepped back, rubbing my reddening skin. ‘You’ve not heard a single word I’ve said, have you?’ I struggled to keep my voice level. ‘Or do you just not care that I could lose my job?’
‘OK, then sleep with me again or I’ll tell everyone what we did.’
I gasped and, as I looked at him, rage swept up inside me. He reminded me, suddenly, of Hannah. I’d gone round to her flat to ask her what the fuck she thought she was doing, coming on to my husband at her party, asking HIM to be the one to save her from the letchy hands of the more senior managers. Her protector. She’d had the same untroubled expression as Jonathan was now wearing when I’d screamed ‘he’s MARRIED’ in her face, before she slammed the door in mine.
‘Tell everyone then,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know who you were, and my husband already knows I’ve been unfaithful, so the only sordid detail left is you trying to blackmail me into having sex with you. You’re really trying to do that, by the way?’ I was revolted.
Quick as a flash, he stepped over to me, ducked his head, and kissed me on the mouth. He gasped as his lips briefly touched mine, before I stumbled back and looked around us, only to see David, overcoat on, keys in his hand, right by his car, silently watching.
Our eyes met, and David looked away first before getting into his Land Rover and pulling sharply out of his space.
I watched him drive off, my mouth slightly open in shock, realising instantly how that must have appeared. I turned slowly back to Jonathan. ‘That was my colleague who just saw us then. I’d already told him about you coming to the surgery today, but I also said you’d got the message and you’d be leaving me alone.’
‘Alex, I—’ Jonathan began.
‘Be quiet,’ I said. ‘You’ve just made it look like we’re having some sort of affair. He’ll now be duty-bound to report this; so, yes, everyone is going to know what we did. Well done. But you know what? I’m going to make sure they understand exactly what you just said to me, that you tried to blackmail me into having sex with you. What a deeply disgusting thing to do.’ Glaring at him, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, turned away and threw my bag on the back seat of the car.
‘Alex, just stop—’ he began,
‘Get out of my way,’ I said, climbing in and slamming the door.