‘Yes.’
He started twisting his wedding ring. ‘You can’t just tell someone over breakfast, “Oh sorry, I fucked someone else last night”, and not expect it not to have some kind of impact on their behaviour. I shouldn’t have tried to dump my guilt on you about Hannah. I know I’ve hurt you. I made you very angry too, and that’s part of why you did what you did in Ibiza. Mostly I just think this is all such a mess, and I don’t want Maisie and Tilly to suffer because of mistakes we’ve made. It’s not like he was underage and what you did was illegal.’
‘Thank you.’
He exhaled. ‘You don’t have to thank me. We’re married. We’re supposed to support each other. What will happen now?’
I cleared my throat and tried to focus. ‘For me at work, you mean?’
He nodded.
‘Well, unless I can convince David he didn’t see what he thinks he saw, he’ll report me, I expect. I’ll ring him tomorrow, but I’ll have to sit down with him and Cleo on Monday morning and go through it all with them formally, just to cover my back in case this boy comes good on his threat and tells everyone we’ve had sex.’
‘What if David doesn’t believe you?’
‘The process would be the same as when Bella made her complaint about you and me.’ I watched Rob tense at the mention of his ex-wife. ‘It’d go to the Primary Care Trust and the General Medical Council. Unlike last time, because of him being much younger and a current patient, it will be investigated immediately, I imagine. I’d need to contact the MDU for some legal advice. I might be suspended in the interim while the investigation is ongoing and they gather statements from everyone; but I haven’t done anything punishable, so ultimately I don’t see how I could be struck off. It would be massively stressful though.’
‘Fuck,’ he exhaled and let his head drop.
‘I think I just need to talk to David in the first instance.’
‘What’s this boy’s name?’ Rob said.
‘I don’t think I can tell you yet. I’m sorry.’
‘But he threatened to shop you unless you slept with him again?’
‘Yes.’
‘David wouldn’t have heard him?’
‘I don’t see how. He was on the other side of the car park.’
‘Is the warning you got after Bella made the complaint about us still on your record?’
‘Yes.’
We sat there in silence for a moment more as he digested the implications of that.
‘OK. Well, we’ll just have to deal with it as we get there, I guess.’ He held out his hand. I could just about reach it, and we entwined the tips of our fingers. ‘I love you.’
My relief as he said that was immense. ‘I love you too.’
Neither of us moved. I wanted to stay like that forever, safe with him, our babies upstairs asleep in their beds – as if none of it had happened.
‘We need to be a lot better at protecting us,’ he said. ‘You, me, Maisie and Tilly. But we’ll get through this, together. I promise you.’
* * *
I’ve no doubt he meant every word, but sometimes love isn’t enough, no matter how hard you want to believe it will be.
I felt glad to have told him everything, though, and went to bed relieved that there were at least no more surprises to come.
How very na?ve I was.
5
Dr Alexandra Inglis
The morning of Monday, 18 September was one of those clear, bright blue sky days that gives everyone hope winter is still way off after all, and the supermarkets are just being ridiculous in already stocking gingerbread biscuits iced with pumpkins and ghosts, plastic spiders, light-up eyeballs and trick-or-treat buckets. I’d dressed carefully in a navy trouser suit with a bright red top to help me feel stronger than I felt and had got up early to wash my hair and dry it properly. I wanted at the very least to look professional when I spoke to David and Cleo about Jonathan’s Friday surgery visit and the unwanted kiss.
Stood with my back to the kitchen table while I stared out of the window into the garden and tried to gather my thoughts, I sipped my coffee apprehensively. Rob was attempting to get Maisie and Tilly started on their raisin wheat, although both girls were crossly registering their complaints about missing the rest of the episode of Paw Patrol he’d not allowed them to pause. I stared silently at our holly tree. Contrasted against the sky, the glossy green leaves and already shiny scarlet berries reminded me – not for the first time – of a painting that had hung for years in my grandfather’s house: a Na?f Vermont winter landscape of children bringing home a Christmas tree on a sled and ice skaters twirling on a frozen lake. I used to want to live in that picture and run through the unblemished snow past the little weather-boarded church to the cosy hay barn and play inside.
‘We should all go to New England next autumn for a holiday,’ I said suddenly. ‘I’ve always wanted to see the woodland colours in the fall.’
Rob straightened up and looked at me, worriedly. ‘OK. Why not? Sounds fun.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You all right?’
I nodded. ‘All good.’ I put my cup down on the draining board and turned to face my girls. ‘Right, sweethearts, I’m going to go to work now. Daddy’s going to take you to school and I’ll come and collect you later. Have a lovely day, won’t you?’ I bent to kiss the top of Maisie’s golden-haired head and breathed in the scent of the Johnson’s shampoo I still used on both of them. I had a sudden urge to stay at home with them, for all four of us to go and do something completely different with such a rare, beautiful day; one we’d remember for all of the right reasons.
I crossed round the table to Tilly, who leant her head back blissfully and closed her eyes to receive my kiss on her soft forehead, before twisting round while still clutching a dripping, milky spoon, arms open wide. ‘Hug me, Mummy!’ she offered generously.
I couldn’t possibly refuse but eyed her spoon warily. ‘Thank you, darling, what a lovely goodbye.’ After a snuggle for her, and one for Maisie too – who wasn’t about to miss out on anything Tilly was getting – I inspected myself anxiously, all of my thoughts and fears temporarily replaced by the simple challenge of getting out of the front door without needing to change again. I glanced up at Rob. ‘Do I look OK?’
‘Perfect.’ He pulled me into a hug, creasing my jacket, but I managed not to say anything, and instead, gratefully took the support in the spirit it was given. ‘Call me at lunchtime, hey?’ He looked at me pointedly, and I nodded. We both knew I’d have something to report by then.
I’d had a long telephone conversation over the weekend with David, who had at first been briskly, almost icily matter of fact. I’d implored him to give me the chance to talk to him as a friend rather than a colleague – and as we spoke, he began to thaw, until to my huge relief he’d started to sound like his normal self again. He hadn’t heard Jonathan blackmail me but was appalled when I told him exactly what Jonathan had wanted in return for his silence.
‘What the fuck is wrong with kids these days? It’s all about sex now, isn’t it? Sexting, watching porn on their phones, child on child sex offences on the rise. Jesus Christ! What have we all let happen to this generation?’ He paused, genuinely bewildered, before adding quickly: ‘Not that I’m saying you saw him as a child. Sorry, that wasn’t helpful.’