Where the Memories Lie
By: Sibel Hodge
with a fiery need usually reserved for make-up sex. We were lost in a tangle of legs and arms and lips and groans, and then I was pressing myself against him and he was inside me. It was short.
Fierce. Electric. Something animal and primal we both needed to remind ourselves of our own mortality. We were still alive. We were the lucky ones.
Afterwards I lay in the crook of his arm again, sweat drying against my skin.
‘I just can’t believe he did it in front of me,’ Ethan said so qui-etly I had to strain to hear him. ‘Why would he do that? And did he even know what he was doing in the end or was he just confused?
That . . . that moment when he looked at me, it was like there was an apology in his eyes. In that split second before, he seemed so clear, so alert, like he’d made the decision and he was saying a silent goodbye. And then he was gone.’
‘I’m so sorry, Ethan. It’s awful.’ I squeezed him close to me.
‘He must’ve blamed me for what was happening. How can I live with that? How can I live with the thought that if we hadn’t dug up that bloody garage he’d still be with us now?’
But I knew what he was really saying to me. How can you live with yourself, Olivia? This is all your fault.
‘I’m sure he didn’t blame you. It’s not your fault, it’s m—’
He cut me off. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘It might help.’
‘I don’t even know what I’m thinking right now so I can’t talk about it.’
We were both lost in silence, trying to deal with the shock and sadness. Eventually I listened to his breathing slow as he drifted under the blanket of sleep. It took me a long time, but when I finally joined him, I was haunted by images of Katie. A faceless person dressed in black carried her unconscious body through the dark woods and into our garage. He paused at the wooden door, looking 182
Where the Memories Lie over his shoulder, but I couldn’t make out any features. He carried her towards a hole already dug into the ground and gently placed her in its depths, shovelling soil over her. When he finished, he walked over the earth, flattening it down, and I could hear Katie’s voice, muffled and distraught, from beneath. Help me. Help me! She was still alive down there, trapped in a dark place, unable to claw her way back out.
I jerked awake the next morning, gasping for breath, covered in a sheen of sweat with the sheet knotted in my clenched fist.
The bed was empty. I reached out and touched Ethan’s side but it was cold.
Running a list of things to do over in my head, I got dressed.
I needed to call Elaine and see if she’d cover my shift that after-noon. I’d always thought work was a great distraction, and it would stop me sending myself mad with thoughts, but I wanted to stay home at least for one day so I could be with Anna. Nadia had said she was going to make arrangements with work to cover Ethan’s schedule so his meetings for the next couple of days would be rearranged and he wouldn’t have to go in. She had probably been up at 4 a.m. sending emails to people. Even though Tom hadn’t worked at Tate Construction for more than ten years since his retirement, a lot of people would be in mourning for him.
Would they still be mourning when they heard what he’d confessed to, though?
I avoided the creaking floorboard outside Anna’s room so I didn’t wake her and went downstairs. Chris was nowhere to be seen and neither was Ethan. Poppy shot out of her bed in the corner of the kitchen and greeted me with a lick on the back of my hand and a funny little noise that would usually make me laugh, 183
Sibel Hodge
but not today. I noticed a note from Ethan left on the island as I stroked her.
Gone for a walk. Don’t know when I’ll be back. Need to get my head straight.
xx
Poppy butted my hand with her nose, dog-speak for Stroke me more.