“You’re gonna be okay,” I told her, hugging Brendon a little closer.
“I know,” she said like she didn’t get what I was trying to say. And I knew she didn’t. This innocent, sweet girl had no clue she was getting ready to be crushed.
Fuck, I’d do anything to go back. Erase it. Change everything I’d done.
But Doug was right.
I wasn’t ever gonna be good enough.
I held my son as close as I could.
Rocking him slowly, because God, I didn’t want to let him go.
The back of my throat burned like a bitch, and I fought the moisture welling behind my eyes. Quickly, before I lost my nerve, I moved back to that hypnotizing girl, settled our son back across her chest, and kissed through the hair matted to her forehead. I didn’t move away, just let my words penetrate there.
“I’m leaving, Kenz. Leaving you and Brendon because you both deserve so much better than anything I could ever give.”
She jerked. “No.”
“Yes.”
I could feel the rush of panic swell around her. “No…Lyrik…no don’t. We can—”
“No, we can’t. Your dad got me off, Kenz. Paid me off too, and I’m taking that money. Band and the boys need it. You’ll be just fine without me.”
Trembles of revulsion and denial rolled through her body. “No. You’re lying. You’re lying.”
Yeah. I was. But she wasn’t ever going to know.
It was better this way.
Hate me, Kenz. Hate me.
And as fucking hard as I tried to keep it in, to hold it back, to just leave because I knew it’d be easier on her that way, I got selfish and pressed one last kiss to her wet lips. I closed my eyes as I gave her the complete and utter truth. “You sing my soul.”
Took everything I had to rip myself away.
She was screaming my name when I tore open the door and flew out.
“Lyrik!”
A shrill, startled cry from that tiny, innocent boy vibrated the walls, like he was a partner to his mom’s torment—to mine—like something vital had been cut away from his soul.
“Lyrik…please…no…don’t leave me.”
I didn’t slow down or acknowledge her father where he sat like a broken guardian outside her door, head bowed between his shoulders and elbows on his knees.
I just fled.
Bright lights blinded from above and gleamed against the stark white floor. I hurtled down the narrow hall, desperate for escape.
With every pounding step, I felt the separation grow. A chasm rending and ripping until I felt myself splitting in two.
Don’t leave us.
Impossible, but I could still hear her even when it wasn’t real. When she was too far and I couldn’t touch.
Lyrik…please.
Knew my battered, blackened soul would always hear her.
Gasping for breath, I stumbled out of the building and into the vacancy of the deep, deep night. Wind gusted, tumbling along the surface of the ground, a stir of agitation at my feet.
Above, the storm raged. Clouds dark and heavy and ominous.
Beside me, lightning struck. A crackle of energy shocked through the air. Wrapping me in coils of white-hot agony.
For a moment, I gave into it and let myself feel. I lifted my face to the tormented sky, hands gripping my hair as I screamed.
Screamed in anguish.
Screamed in regret.
Screamed loud enough I would never forget.
A crack of thunder opened the sky.
Rain poured.
I took the check from my pocket, heart heaving as I tore it to shreds, flying pieces impaled by fat drops of rain as I chucked them into the disordered air.
Hands fisted at my sides, I buried the memory of the way he’d felt in my arms, the memory of his face, in the deepest part of me, sealed it off and cemented my heart.
My spirit grasped and wove with the promise I had made him.
I will never fall in love again.
Not ever again.
Not after tonight.
DAWN TOUCHED THE SKY, just a whisper of pink lifting at the horizon and kissing the earth. The house sat silent like a prisoner of the night. Quiet and still.
The mountains I loved so much were framed behind it. As if they stood guard over those taking refuge within.
Eyes bleary, I swiped at them, my heart rising to my throat and sinking in my stomach, pulse throbbing everywhere.
Home.
It’d felt so far away.
Like a fairytale, and when I’d awoken as Tamar King, it’d only been a dream.
It appeared that way now. So warm and quaint and welcoming, it could only be a fantasy.
But Lyrik reminded me this could be my reality.
I killed the engine of the rental car and slowly opened the door, my knees feeling weak when I stepped out onto the desert floor and quietly latched it shut behind me.
Bugs trilled in the emerging day and the warmth of the rising sun wrapped me in its arms.
Home.
I edged toward my childhood house, boots quieted as I climbed the two wooden steps onto the front porch, hand gripping the railing for support.
Home.
Everything locked inside me when I lifted my fist and rapped it against the door.
Subdued yet strong.
It felt like an eternity passed before there was rustling on the other side. The turn of the lock. The creak of the door.
My mother, frozen at the threshold.