‘Not even a little bit?’ He is incredulous, but I am actually telling the truth.
‘No.’
‘Why not?’ he seems bewildered, and I laugh at him.
‘Because your job is a part of who you are, Leo. I hate watching you spar at karate tournaments too, but I can’t wait to see you back on the mat, getting the shit kicked out of you.’
Leo offers me a half-smile. ‘I feel like that was a back-handed reassurance, if there is such a thing.’
‘It was, and there is,’ I laugh, and then tug at his hand. ‘Can we please go?’
He sighs and maintains a firm grip on my hand. Apparently Leo wasn’t kidding when he said he wasn’t feeling weak anymore.
‘I want things to be honest and open between us. I don’t know you, Molly, and I don’t know if you’re trying to protect me or you just don’t like to tell me what’s on your mind. But – I really want you to be honest with me. Is that okay?’
‘Yes, that’s fine,’ I say, although obviously I’m lying, because I’m still not about to dump the entirety of our mess on his lap. I need to make a plan to tell him the truth about our separation – and given how off-guard he’s made me feel today, maybe that’s going to need to happen sooner or later.
But I’m not ready yet, and neither is Leo.
12
Leo – February 2011
Molly released my hand when she left the booth, and after we’d split the bill and were standing close to one another at the counter, she glanced towards me and said very quietly, ‘I want to hold your hand again, and I would… but every now and again paparazzi…’
‘I get it,’ I interrupted her very quietly. ‘You don’t need to explain.’
She nodded and smiled, and I put my hand gently on the small of her back and turned her towards the doors. We walked towards her apartment in silence and when we had covered the short distance, a concierge held the doors to the lobby open. Molly greeted him only with a smile and a nod.
I had been walking in step with her, conscious only of the moment – of the blood thundering through my body, and the spiralling intensity of anticipation for what might happen next between us. But when we stepped into her brightly-lit lobby, I had a somewhat startling return to reality – as if I’d sobered instantly after a night of intoxication. I surveyed gleaming tiles, plush furnishings and staff. Maybe I’d fallen down the rabbit hole during the week and only realised it when we entered her building.
I wouldn’t allow myself to feel intimidated, instead I held myself straighter and taller as I walked. When I caught a glimpse of Molly beside me in a mirror, I acknowledged for just a moment that although I might not feel at home in that place, the beautiful woman beside me in the alluring pink dress literally was at home, and she wanted me there with her. As I reflected on this, the man who looked back at me was strong and proud.
An attendant greeted Molly warmly at the elevator and hit a code into a security panel, and we stepped inside. The doors closed almost instantly, and as soon as we were alone, I reached for Molly as if I’d been waiting for her for decades. I cupped her face in my hands and she tilted it towards me. Our breaths mingled – ragged now, as if we’d sprinted from the restaurant. I wanted to savour her glistening lips and the dark blue storm of her eyes as she stared at me – but Molly hooked her arm around my neck and pulled me against her. She kissed me – hard and impatient – and I met the demands of her mouth against mine with demands of my own.
Later, I lay on my back in Molly’s bed, staring at the blurry shadows on the ceiling. She was lying with her head resting on my chest, one leg curled over my thigh, our hands entwined against my hip.
I didn’t even try to untangle the mess of feelings in my chest. Even if I could put names to them, I wouldn’t know what to do with them. Instead, I tried to focus on Molly.
‘What are you thinking?’ I asked her. I brushed my hand along her bare back in gently sweeping strokes, and she breathed in and out slowly.
‘I was just wondering what you would do if I asked you to tell me something about yourself. Something no one else knows.’
‘You already know things about me that no one else knows.’
‘I do?’
‘About the scholarship. I’ve never told anyone else that,’ I admitted. ‘And…’ I lifted my arm and twisted it to expose the tattoos towards her. She shifted the hand from my hip to touch the inked skin, running her finger over each of the dot artworks, making her way along my arm. ‘I mean, obviously people can see I have tattoos, but no one else knows what they mean.’
‘These go over your back and shoulders too,’ Molly whispered. ‘And every one represents a death?’ She twisted to stare up at me. I met her gaze, unflinching.