‘Fantastic, it’s a date.’ He pauses after he says the words and then the realisation dawns on his face. ‘I think I said that to you, didn’t I? We were at that bar… the one on Darling Harbour. We were going to have dinner together and I wanted to be sure that we were on the same page.’
I’m back at that moment in an instant. I remember tall, strong Leo sitting beside me at the bar and the closed-in feeling of the darkness that had fallen… and how intense his stare had been. I’d barely been able to sleep that night so instead of sleeping, I had schemed. My spoilt, selfish little mind schemed until the wee hours – I planned the venue and the atmosphere of the dinner we’d agreed to share, and I even decided on the dress and the perfume I’d wear.
I was a shark tracking her prey.
‘Do you remember that whole night?’
‘I remember that moment, but so far, it’s just a fragment – those words jumped into my head but the rest hasn’t come back yet. It’s kind of like seeing a scene cut from the middle of a movie,’ he says wryly. ‘So, where did we go?’
‘Circular Quay. We did a lot around there, actually. Maybe that’s where we should go tomorrow.’
‘That sounds good. Thanks, Molly. Did you bring some clothes I can wear?’
I point to the bag I’ve left sitting on his bed. ‘Yes – clothing and Kindle, as requested. I picked you up a wallet and I’ve put your spare credit card in it in case you need to buy anything. I just can’t find your phone – I’m really sorry, so I organised you another. It has the same number, and you’ll find the code for the credit card saved in the phone too.’
‘I was really hoping for my old phone. It’s not in the safe?’
I shake my head. I’m lying – I haven’t even checked, but I suspect he’s right – that’s where it will be. I tell myself that I’m withholding his old phone from him to protect him – if I handed it over, ready or not he would immediately have to deal with the reality of our situation. Just from his text message history there would be no doubt at all that we are no longer happily married.
But if I’m really honest with myself, that’s probably only half of the reason why I am lying. I’m feeling oddly curious about Leo, which seems ridiculous because I know him better than I know myself. But I’d forgotten what it was like to be with him, before all of the layers of bitterness settled over our relationship. Yes, I am sensitive towards him and a little too easily irritated by him – but I also thought he was going to die, and then he didn’t, and now he’s here and he’s charming to me again and… I guess, I’m just not ready for things to go back to the way they were.
‘Next to my bed?’ he prompts. I shake my head, and he sighs. ‘That’s so strange.’
‘I’ll keep looking if you like but I guess you must have taken it with you.’
‘It seems really odd – you said I had the sat phone too, right?’ I nod, and he frowns. ‘Why would I take two phones into the field?’
I’m kicking myself now because he is right – he never takes two phones with him.
‘I’m not sure,’ I say. I’m really hoping he doesn’t notice the flush on my cheeks.
‘How were we communicating?’
We weren’t, I think and I’m panicking a little now. The last communication we’d had before he flew out was his awful email suggesting I find a lawyer, and a curt text telling me to clear the last of my things from his house. Just thinking about those messages causes me pain, even now, weeks later. They were the first few lines in the new chapter of my life that was supposed to be titled After Leo – but they were also a confrontation, and what those messages lacked said as much about them as the actual words they contained. Those messages were business-like and curt – there was no undertone of familiarity or warmth. We were strangers at the point – even more so than we are right now when Leo cannot remember much at all of our life together.
But I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want to lie to him, and I especially don’t want to be caught out lying to him. I need to move the conversation on as quickly as I can, but before I can think of a story that will be convincing enough for him, he speaks again.
‘Did I lose everything I took to Syria?’
‘Brad has your bag, but he said everything you had with you in the car was lost, so if you did take it to Syria, it’s likely it’s gone.’
Leo sighs, but as I hoped, he is finally satisfied by this. ‘I just figured it would have been a good way to get a feel for what I’ve been doing recently. I don’t really use text messaging but I thought my phone history would give me some clues what I was busy with when I was last using it.’
‘About the text messages…’ I say, and he looks at me questioningly. I laugh softly. ‘You text a lot now.’
‘Oh?’
‘I mean… I always do. I don’t think you liked to, but you still used to do it.’
‘Are you sure? I really hate them.’