‘You are someone, Leo,’ she says, as she gazes at me.
I see both the pain in her eyes at the things I have just told her, and the sheer adoration that has always been there and that has always terrified me. Countless times I’ve accused Molly of failing to support me – but I realise now. She couldn’t support my career, because it was killing me – but she always supported me. I am scared of this change that I need to make now; as scared as I ever was on the battlefield – but that isn’t going to stop me this time. There is too much at stake, and I won’t be adjusting to my new life alone.
‘I loved that job, Molly. And I was damned good at it.’
‘I know,’ she whispers.
‘But it’s time for me to put all my energy into a new role, and I’m going to love this one even more.’
She glances at the page in my hand. ‘Part-time domestic journalist and Middle Eastern correspondent?’ she reads.
I shake my head. ‘Husband and father,’ I promise her. She breathes in slowly, and then the smile returns – the one that I have always felt could light up the whole world. ‘We’ve never really had a life together, have we? But I want to grow old with you, Molly, until we have the same wrinkles and the same worn expression on our faces and people think we’re siblings.’
‘I don’t think that’s going to happen in our case, Leo!’ She laughs at my stupid joke, and the freedom and joy she releases with that sound is the confirmation I’ve been looking for – it’s not too late for us. I grin at her, and then finally take her in my arms.
‘I want us to have one life, not two that meet up every now and again. And we could try this now and put every single thing we have within ourselves into it and we could still fail. But I promise you that this time around, I’m not going to give up on us unless we’ve given it everything we’ve got and there’s nothing left to try. Will you promise me that too?’
‘You know I will.’
We stare at each other. I watch a broad, teary smile transform her face and she is so beautiful in that moment that she steals my breath.
‘So we’re doing this?’ I whisper.
‘You bet your bloody life we are!’
Epilogue
Molly
‘Say bye to Mummy, Henry.’
I am standing at the door, staring at Leo and our son. Henry is four months old and he’s still the most adorable child I’ve ever seen. He has Leo’s dark curls and brown eyes, and the months since his birth have been the best of my life. I love every delicious moment with him – sometimes, even when I am sat up feeding him in the small hours, I’m shocked by a fresh realisation that there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be and nothing I would rather be doing. Henry has given my life meaning in a way that I’d never imagined.
He is sitting on his father’s lap now, waving with Leo’s assistance, completely oblivious to the momentous first that we are experiencing. I have not spent more than an hour away from him in his entire life. Until today.
I am so close to tears. I knew this would be hard – but it is so much harder than I imagined. I shift my handbag on my shoulder and realise again that it’s not the nappy bag I’m in the habit of carrying and I start to feel nauseous. It doesn’t feel right – I’m never going to get used to this.
‘Are you sure you’re going to be okay with him?’ I ask Leo, and he raises an eyebrow at me.
‘You know I’m going to be fine,’ he says. He is right, but still, I start to shake and I want to snatch the baby back up out of his arms and cancel the whole arrangement.
‘I don’t think I can do this,’ I whisper thickly, and Leo shifts his wheelchair forward towards me. He can walk short distances now – usually with crutches or a frame – but it’s still a slow and exhausting process for him even a full year after the accident. His one concession to his disability has been to accept a motorised wheelchair, but only since Henry was born, and only since he realised he would need one to get around while carrying his son.
There’s still hope. His doctors say that it is still possible he will regain his mobility, but given how slow his progress has been, it may be years before his brain can rewire itself. Leo will never stop trying. He is undeterred by the thought of years of hard work to achieve a goal.
‘It’s completely up to you, Molly. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. We can try again in another week, or another two – or however long it takes. I won’t be upset, and I won’t be offended.’