I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, but as he said those words, I suddenly realised that I couldn’t imagine myself with Leo anymore either. He was right – the compulsion within him to do that damned job was always going to lead him back to a lifestyle that I could never accept. Our marriage had been doomed from the start.
‘Okay,’ I said, and while I was sure that we were in the right place and that this conversation needed to happen, that didn’t lessen the pain of it one little bit, and I had to stiffen my whole body to try and force away the tears that loomed. We sat in a ragged silence for a moment or two, waiting calmly together among the ruins of our marriage and the life that we had built. I waited for Leo to leave, and eventually realised that he wasn’t going to, so I sought for something more to say – a way to work the conversation around to an apology, in case that was what he was waiting for.
‘We can rebuild a friendship before the baby comes. We can be civil…. friendly.’
‘I really hope so,’ Leo whispered, but then he surprised me as he added hesitantly, ‘Do you remember when you said to me that you weren’t looking for a happily-ever-after, and that whenever our relationship ended, you’d be glad for the time we shared?’ I nodded, and a tear escaped my eye. ‘I am glad for the time we shared, Molly. I was happy. It counts, even after it’s over.’
I pulled him close, and though it felt like my heart was breaking right there in my chest, I wrapped my arms around him and then I kissed him carefully on the cheek. ‘Stay safe, Leo,’ I whispered, and a shuddering sob finally escaped my lips. I saw Leo clench his jaw and there was a raw pain in his eyes that even the darkness could not hide. And then he walked to the stairs, and disappeared into his study.
I moved back into Bennelong the next day. Maybe I hadn’t meant what I said that night – maybe in that moment I didn’t really hate him – but I certainly did in the days afterwards. I hated the mess of our life, but I hated Leo more for giving up on it. Things were apparently over and I still wasn’t sure how I could have let the best thing that had ever happened to me go to ruin.
It was only a few days later that Leo emailed me to say that he’d seen a solicitor and to suggest that I see one too. I got the email when I was sitting at my desk with Leo’s own father due for a meeting with me any minute. When Andrew came into the office, I could tell that Leo had not told his family what was going on between us, and I was so livid that I feigned illness and took myself home.
How could Leo be so unaffected by what was happening between us that he had calmly seen a solicitor before he had even told his parents? It was so typical of him to leave such a thing to me, but this time I was having none of it. I’d decided that under no circumstances would I be the one to break the news to his family. They were Leo’s problem to solve – I had enough of my own.
So I ignored his email and I ignored his advice. I promised myself that I’d take as much time to grieve as I needed: I would start the steps to dissolve our marriage only when I felt ready to do so.
The next day I had my first obstetric appointment. I texted Leo to invite him and I was quite confident that he would come – after all, he had said he wanted to rebuild a friendship, and he’d said that he wanted to parent our baby together. When the receptionist tried to send me in and Leo was still not there, I asked her if one of the other waiting patients could go before me.
‘My husband is coming,’ I said. ‘I’m sure of it.’ It was a lie – I wasn’t sure at all by then, but I felt I could see judgement in the eyes of the receptionist. Even when I did go into the doctor’s room, I kept my eyes on the door. Leo did not come. I drafted several texts to him – but they were mean, because I was so disappointed that he did not show up. Eventually I deleted them. I knew that I couldn’t afford to inject more tension into our relationship – we needed to find a new kind of peace before the baby came.
Before he flew out to Syria, Leo texted me from the airport. I’m flying out. If there’s anything else you need from the terrace, please help yourself before I get back. I’ve organised a walker for Lucien so you won’t need to go to my house otherwise.
A week later my phone rang in the middle of the night. I heard sobbing as soon as I answered it. I did not know who the caller was, but I knew immediately that something had happened to Leo.
‘He’s dead, isn’t he?’ I said. I was calm. Pain and an endless grief would crash over me but the inevitability of the moment could not be escaped. I had known this was coming – I was prepared – I’d actually tried to imagine that moment already over the years. I had known that there would be a call or a knock at the door one day and he would be gone. Leo had seemed determined to martyr himself for his work.
‘No,’ the caller sobbed, and I realised it was Kisani. ‘But he’s injured.’
‘Injured?’ I repeated, and I sighed, imagining another bullet in his shoulder. ‘What’s happened, Kisani?’
‘It was a car accident – Brad was sketchy on the details but it’s bad…’