BOB SAGET—COMEDIAN, ACTOR, WRITER
I’ve had some relationship problems in my life personally because what I’ve learned about myself is you throw one rock at me and I got a thousand coming back at you. I’ll bring catapults. I’ll bring artillery. I’ll hire people. They don’t even do anything wrong. They’re just people. They’re just human beings.
People of my ilk should be watching James L. Brooks’s As Good as It Gets as many times as we possibly can because the Jack Nicholson/Helen Hunt relationship kind of says it all. It’s like, why would you say something like that? It’s just a guy who’s so narcissistic and so insecure and hurt, he’ll just do something that fucks it up for somebody that he cares about. It can really fuck up a good relationship. It’s anger issues and it’s also hurt and it’s not being allowed to do what you want to do and it’s also not owning your stuff. Not walking around feeling guilty, whether it be Catholic or Jew guilt.
I think the solution is to shorten the window on the angst. Shorten the argument, shorten the reason for it. Say what you want to say. I have a friend that always says this to me: “Just do a puzzle with a friend. Just do whatever you can do, shiny objects in front of yourself, change the subject in your mind.” Go do something. Something. Play Zelda. Do anything.
Marc
When you lock in, do you have that moment where you feel the effect of what’s aggravated you and then it’s just like a switch turns?
Bob
A switch turns and the bottom of the elevator drops out. There’s no rescuing anybody. Everybody’s getting taken in.
It’s incorrect behavior, but you can fix it. I guarantee you can fix it.
MARIA BAMFORD—COMEDIAN, ACTOR
I think I still have looked at relationships as a self-esteem-building thing and it’s like, “No, I’ve got to really be on board with myself and my life and not try to invite anybody into it.” Also, I’ve got to really like and respect the person, instead of just thinking, “Oh, I’m going to help him,” which is horrible. Nobody wants to be helped.
You should want to be with somebody you admire. You say, “Oh, this person is really neat and a wonderful person.” Not, “They’re neat, they’re fine, but I’m going to teach him a thing or two about a thing or two.” That’s totally controlling and totally manipulative, and also a put-down to the person.
RON FUNCHES—COMEDIAN, ACTOR
You can never change a person. You can never. Whoever they introduce themselves as is who they’re going to be.
People can evolve. People never change. Evolving means that they still have their standard base. You can see where they’re coming from. You’re not going to do a 180.
That’s a lesson I learned from my mom the hard way with the guy she was dating. She was hoping that she could change him.
RACHAEL HARRIS—COMEDIAN, ACTOR
If anybody’s really too together and I never see them lose it, I don’t trust them. Only until I see you totally fuck up, and behave really badly, like, say something shitty to someone awful, then I breathe a sigh of relief, and I’m like, okay, they’re normal to me.
Marc
I say, “I don’t know if someone loves me unless I can make them cry.”
Rachael
I’m the crier.
Marc
That’s what I mean. It’s like, “Fuck you, you don’t love me. If you cared about me you would fucking understand what I’m saying.”
Rachael
Right, and then I say, “Yes, I do, I do, I do.”
Marc
“Okay, you do, you do, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Rachael
Right, and then once you said you were sorry, then I’m like, “Ahhh! I’m in.”
Marc
Yeah, it’s over, locked in, and there you go, and that’s how it goes, round and round.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
The fights you have are never about the thing you’re fighting about. It’s always about something else. It’s about a story. It’s about respect. It’s about recognition, something deep.
MARGARET CHO—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
My mother has an eating disorder and always did. My father was a terrible womanizer. She blamed her body issues on his cheating. They have a great relationship now, but they really were bad for each other. He was a sex addict, and she was emotionally crazy. Now I’m both of them. I think I’m always heartbroken, eternally heartbroken, which is why I think people are attracted to me because my heart is always open, very open all the time. That’s just because I’m so smashed up.
Marc
I find that too. I know crazy people are drawn to me like a magnet, because I’m wired that way, and you’ve got to figure you are as well. I realized this recently in life, that because I grew up with a manic-depressive father with anger problems and completely selfish parents in general, I’m wired to accommodate those people. People who other people say, “That guy’s fucking nuts,” I can have him talking like a normal person and feeling sort of heard very quickly. They’re drawn to me. I have that gift, which is horrible.
Margaret
Mine is I don’t know they’re crazy until way too late. I kind of allow them in. I just let people in.
DAVE FOLEY—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
My first wife, I loved her when we first started dating. She was actually a girl I wanted to ask out and then I lost my job and I couldn’t take her out so I didn’t ask her out, and then in the meantime my best friend started dating her. They started living together, but while they were living together, she and I were getting closer and closer.
Then I started feeling like I was falling for her and because one of those nights where I said, “You know what, maybe we should stop hanging out so much because I’m starting to have these feelings and you’re my best friend’s girlfriend,” she showed me her tits and I realized, “Maybe he’s not my best friend.” So then I wound up stealing my best friend’s girlfriend.
Once I got into this relationship with her, I realized almost immediately, “Oh my God…” But in my head I’m like, “Well, I can’t just break up with her. I can’t. I just ruined my friendship. This has to mean something.”
From then on, it was just me trying to find a way out of it in a decent way.
JUDD APATOW—COMEDIAN, DIRECTOR, WRITER, PRODUCER
After my parents got divorced, I thought, “I’ve got to get my shit together, I’ve got to get something going in this life, I really need to take care of myself.”