Eventually, I asked, “What about the letter?”
She told me, “It was so amazing, every time I would try to respond or write a letter back, I would just tear it up. I was so blown away by your letter.” Of course then me, the idiot, was waiting around to make a move on her. She felt the same way about me.
Obviously everything worked out because it’s sixteen years later. I finally met the woman I was supposed to meet.
JIM GAFFIGAN—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
Jeannie and I write together.
Marc
Are there moments where Jeannie says, “Jim, Jim, you’re eating yogurt like a monkey. You should talk about that,” or do you not have those moments?
Jim
I would never eat yogurt, but …
JEANNIE GAFFIGAN—WRITER, PRODUCER, ACTOR
Well yeah, there are moments where I’ll introduce a topic, but a lot of it is just going over topics and just beating the hell out of them. Just having two people’s minds dissect that one thing.
Marc
Here’s how that would have gone when I was married: She would say something. I’d say, “What, you don’t think it’s good?” She would say, “No, I’m not saying that.” I’d say, “But why would you rewrite it like that?” She’d say, “I just think it would be funnier.” I’m like, “Why don’t I just not fucking do the joke then?”
Jim
Right.
Marc
Never got very far with that.
Jeannie
Well, there’s conversations like that too.
Marc
Oh, good.
Jim
It’s like any creative process.
Jeannie
I’ll beg him to do something. He’ll say, “That, no.”
Jim
That’s not going to work.
Jeannie
But it didn’t work one time! I’m like, “One audience?!? You’re going to waste that on one audience!”
BONNIE MCFARLANE—COMEDIAN, WRITER, DIRECTOR
Porn stars always say how they have the best job. I feel like they always say that because people were, like, “You’re not going to go into porn, are you?” People tell you don’t do it, then they realize, “Ugh, now I’ve got to just keep this up for the rest of my life.” They say, “No, I made the right decision.”
That’s how it is with me marrying Rich Vos. It’s too late to say I made a mistake.
Marc
No other comics ever thought that you marrying Rich was anything but a nice gesture on your part.
Bonnie
Since we’ve been married, I’ve never been allowed to have my own soda when we’re out for dinner. He wants to bring soda into restaurants all the time.
Marc
That doesn’t make it good for Jews when he does things like that.
Bonnie
No, I know. Then he says I’m anti-Semitic because I’m constantly like, “Stop doing that!”
Marc
Does he bring popcorn to the movies?
Bonnie
Yes.
Marc
Oh, no.
Bonnie
If they ever start a policy where they open up people’s purses, oh, God, it will be so embarrassing.
The first time I ever went to a movie with him, he smoked in the movie theater because he still smoked back then. He’d just take two drags and then somebody would come in and look around and not see it.
Marc
Oh my God. What a pain in the ass.
Bonnie
And I said, “I’m in love.”
When I really fell in love with him was the one time when we were first going out. We were having sushi and he said to me that he was a genius. He was, like, really talking about himself as a genius.
Marc
Wait, is this Rich Vos?
Bonnie
Yes.
Marc
Okay, go ahead. I just want to make sure I know who you’re talking about.
Bonnie
I never heard anyone talk about themselves like that before.
RICH VOS—COMEDIAN
Bonnie McFarlane, that’s my wife.
Marc
Jesus, what the hell? Why the fuck did she marry you?
Rich
Because, first of all, I’m a genius. That’s one. I mean that goes without saying.
I don’t know. It’s so weird. When we started dating, the first time I met her I was at the Comedy Cellar. She came downstairs. I knew she dated Mark Cohen. I was working with Cohen and he’s miserable. He’s fucking miserable. I go, “What’s the…”
“Me and my girlfriend just broke up.”
I knew nothing about him. “We just broke up.” He’s heartbroken. I go, “Look, I’ve been through divorce. It’s not a big deal. You’ll get through it, you’ll get through it.” But he’s going through that right then.
Years later I’m at the Comedy Cellar ready to go onstage and Bonnie walks down the stairs. She says, “Oh, you’re that guy on Last Comic Standing.” That was the first thing. I’m looking at her, I’m thinking, “Oh you’re the comic that’s gone out with other comics.” But she looks hot. She watched my set. I didn’t bomb, but it wasn’t a good set. She even left in the middle of it. Because I was too nervous. I wanted to impress her. I was on a date too with a hairdresser from The View, who was very attractive. Bonnie came down the stairs and the first thing I said to her was, “Oh yeah, I know you. I’d hit on you but I’m on a date.” That’s the first thing I ever said to her. So already she thinks I’m a creep.
I called the club the next day. I asked the manager, “Estee, can you give me that girl’s phone number?”
Estee called Bonnie and Bonnie said, “Do not give him my fucking phone number.”
So I went down there another night. She was there. We went out for pizza. We had pizza. Cut to me going down on her in the car a little bit.
Marc
That was the first date? That’s unorthodox. That’s what you went with? I’m going to go down on her in the car.
Rich
I had to show that I’m a giver. I didn’t ask her to go down on me. A lot of comics would. Not me.
Marc
You’re a real prince.
Rich
Hey, it was a Mercedes. It wasn’t a crappy car. It was a nice car.
Then we just started dating a little. When I’d come to LA, we’d fool around. She was great. She was perfect. I was in LA taping something. I’m staying at a great hotel. She came over in the day, we went to the pool, and we ended up going to my room. We had sex and she got up and left. Are you crazy? She left!
Marc
You must have thought that was the best thing ever. You’re like, I’m in love.
Rich
I thought, “This is it. This is it.”
CAROL LEIFER—COMEDIAN, WRITER, PRODUCER, ACTOR
I like funny people. I don’t think people realize, when you’re coming up as a comic, and especially at that time, every night I went out to a comedy club. You’re at the clubs with other comics and you’re doing three sets a night.
Marc
I dated a couple. It makes sense, but the only difficult thing about it is that there is a point where someone’s going to overshadow the other one. To be supportive effectively becomes difficult when your egos are involved, or if opportunities are had by one or the other, it becomes a mess. Did you find that?
Carol