I remember once when I was in Australia, I was looking through his music. I was like, “Don’t you have Hawks and Doves? I feel like listening to that.” He was like, “What’s that?”
He was such a unique person and very funny. We would be on the bus and he would be like, “Excuse me! Driver!” He would act like we were in a limo, on the bus. Everyone hated him in Australia. People were like, “Who is this guy?” People were worried about me. Strangers were like, “Are you okay?” He would be like, “Excuse me! Is this bus going to blah-blah, driver?” The bus driver was like, “Read the sign.” Alex would flip his scarf and be like, “Are you assuming, sir, that I can read?” He would say these crazy things to people.
One time we were at the store and I saw him stealing potatoes. He would steal things. I would be like, “Alex, you can’t steal!” I was raised really well. I would be like, “We have to pay for this!” He would try to dine and dash.
He always told me his dad was a doctor and his mother was from French royalty. “My mother would have loved you, your ankles are so small. That’s a sign of good breeding.” He was always telling me all of these things. Then when I went through all of his stuff one day, I found his birth certificate. It said his dad was an electroplater, which is a very low factory job.
I told my mom I needed $2,000 for a plane ticket back. It was only $800 and I paid for him to go back with me. Then we moved back to New York.
He was like, “I am not traveling all the way back to America without going to the Lake District in England!” We went to Thailand with my mom’s money. I ended up paying her back.
He had such a feeling that he should have everything. He was so charming. He would ask to be upgraded to first class and people would upgrade us. I don’t know how he did it.
Marc
You are impressed with this guy!
Natasha
I’ve looked him up. I can’t find him anymore.
He was just so funny. I never heard someone saying you had to take a certain route so you could smell the roses.
Marc
No, it’s sweet, in a way. You were able to forgive all of this insanity. I am glad that he just took you for a ride for a little bit of money, in retrospect.
Natasha
Not much money.
Marc
His lie was enchanting to you. You’re like, “This is it.” Even when you got there and realized it was a lie, he sort of committed to behaving like that. You’re like, “That’s pretty good.” Right?
Natasha
Yes. The problem was, when you are lying like that at that level, every day you are telling lies, you get mad for no reason.
I remember I was wearing these shoes once, when we were in London on our way back. He was like, “Why are you wearing those in the daytime!” He got so mad and wouldn’t talk to me. He was so crazy. For me, I was always begging him not to be mad. It was really sad. We get back to New York. We had no place to stay. We had no money. I lost my waitressing job, everything. We were living deep in Queens. Then he left me for this girl in Brooklyn who had an inheritance. He probably knew he had limited time left with me.
It took me two or three years to recover in New York. He was always an influence in my head, I think.
MICK FOLEY—PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER, STAGE PERFORMER, AUTHOR
I stayed in character as my wrestling persona, Cactus Jack, for six months in Texas with my girlfriend. I had no way of letting her know that the guy she met was a character. I didn’t know how to break it to her because she was attracted to that character.
Marc
You were having sex as Cactus Jack?
Mick
I was. Indeed I was. She started catching on because I am a nice guy. It wasn’t that I would be mean to her. I was just a little out there as Cactus Jack. Then I got a phone call. I remember she specifically said to me like, “Jack.” She called me Jack, didn’t know my real name. She just said, “I know.”
I said, “Know what?”
She said, “I know.”
“What do you think you know?” She wouldn’t say what she knew.
A few days later, a week, a lot of time has passed. I got a phone call and she said, “I need to talk to you.” I said, “Can you tell me over the phone?” She said, “No, I need to talk to you in person.” I was twenty-four, what else could it be?
Marc
You thought she was pregnant or something?
Mick
Yeah. Turns out she needed to borrow $300. I said, “Yeah, yeah.” Not that I made a lot of money. That was about all I made in a week, but I said, “I can lend you money.” Later that night, I said, “I can’t do it. On my way over here, I promised God that if you weren’t pregnant, I wouldn’t have sex with you for a month.” She looked at me. She said, “You’re kidding me.” I said, “No, I’m not kidding.” I was in character.
She said, “Jack, God doesn’t make deals.” I screamed in my Cactus Jack voice, “Well, he made one with me!”
She said, “I thought this crazy thing was just an act, but you really are out of your mind.”
It was that bond I had with myself playing this character, the promise I made. Cactus Jack would not have sex with her for a month.
Maybe I caved in after three weeks.
NICK GRIFFIN—COMEDIAN, WRITER
I have a hard time enjoying people’s company for any extended period of time and I know that, so I don’t want to extend it. I’ve said it a million times. “Look, I’m not very easy to get along with and I keep to myself and I’m pretty committed to what I do.”
Marc
What they hear is, “I love you, move in.”
Nick
It’s the absolute truth. Eventually they wonder, “What happened? What happened?”
“I gave you the whole poop up front and now you’re saying what happened? I told you what was going to happen, it’s happened, and now you’re upset that it’s happened? That doesn’t make sense to me.”
DONNELL RAWLINGS—COMEDIAN, ACTOR
I love everybody. White chicks, at one point in my life, they were a lot of fun. They were easy. I like the white chicks that work for nonprofits. There’s something about the peaceful bitches. I mean women, I’m sorry. Women that are like, “He’s going to be my experiment.” I don’t want you to really accept me 100 percent. I want you to dabble in it. I want the dabbler. They’re all about saving trees, whales, pit bulls, the Earth.…
Marc
… Fucking a black guy once.
Donnell
Yeah, once. Once. Dabble. Dabble. Dabble. Dabble. Then they find the person they’re going to marry.
Marc
Yeah, right, of course. The Jewish guy.
Donnell
Yeah, the Jewish guy. Yep. I know the system.
CHELSEA PERETTI
I am starting to really think that I genuinely have a major fear of commitment. I choose people that always have a glaring flaw or a glaring thing that would make us incompatible, like that anyone could just …
Marc
I’m sorry. Didn’t you go out with Jim Norton?
Chelsea
Yes.
Marc
That is not glaring. That is glowing like white-hot fire lights.
Chelsea
Me and Jim were friends for many years, and we always cracked up. It sounds stupid, but we laughed. We had long conversations. We’d go have dinner, and then there became a point where I was like, “Maybe this is something more.”