RUPAUL CHARLES—ACTOR, DRAG PERFORMER, SINGER, MODEL, WRITER, TELEVISION HOST
Part of the reason people have an aversion to drag is because it breaks the fourth wall, because it is so punk rock, because it says, “You know what? Look. I’m a man. Boop. Look, now I’m a woman. Look, now I’m a cowboy. Now I’m a sailor. Now I’m this. Now I’m that. Now I’m this thing, this alien.”
Ego loves identity. Drag mocks identity. Ego hates drag. Because the thing is, humans always want to identify. I’m this and I’m that. And drag is really the antithesis of that because it’s like saying, “Oh, look, and I’m this. Now I’m that.”
I don’t identify. I don’t care. You can call me whatever you want. It doesn’t matter. The whole identifying thing. That’s something humans do. It’s part of the machine. We are programmed to say, “Well, I am this. I am that.” I’m like, “You know what? I am whatever.” It doesn’t even matter, really, honestly.
I have this scene in my head that, with my father, where actually, on weekends he was supposed to come pick me up, and I would sit on that porch, and he would never show up. Well, let me tell you this. That scenario in my head is a benchmark. I had inevitably looked for situations to strengthen my identity as the little boy who was left behind because on some level, that identity is what drove my buggy.
Once I’m able to let go of that identity and say, “That’s not me, and I don’t get off on that,” then the party can begin. It’s very tricky because, like I said, that tail grows back, and sometimes it will creep in through someone else. “Now playing the role of Ru’s father is This Guy!” Once you hit that Google Earth button and get some perspective and say, “Ah, there it is. That’s it right there.” First, I’m not that little boy on the porch, and second, I was never that little boy on the porch. What rocks my boat now? If I wasn’t that, then what am I? Well, I love to laugh. I love to dance. I love to look at people and go and do things, and that’s where the real party begins.
RELATIONSHIPS
“‘Do I Like You?’”
There are a lot of different types of relationships. I’ve ruined all kinds. I’ve ruined marriages, friendships, relationships with siblings and parents, pets, business partners, plants, etc. Relationships with pets are the easiest to repair. It usually just takes a few hours and a fun snack and you’re back on track. It’s harder with humans, but sometimes snacks still work.
I think the element at the core of my problems with relationships is my neediness. It took me a long time to realize I was expecting way too much out of almost every relationship I’ve ever had with anybody and my pets. My parents didn’t quite deliver, so I’ve kind of wandered through life looking for people to take care of me but resenting them for trying to do it. That’s a lot to put on a person or a cat. It takes a lot of snacks.
With friendships I always seem to need one good one to lean on. I was never a “hang out with the guys” kind of guy. I just need one good friend who I could rely on for everything. That’s a lot of pressure for a person, babysitting me and dealing with my nonstop chaos and problems, self-generated usually. Fortunately I have a little better relationship with myself now and I can ease up on others in my life. Some days I don’t think I need anybody ever again. I’m fortunate that I have the podcast. It’s easier for me to be open and real there because I know the person I’m talking to will leave in an hour or so. No pressure. I can get deep, reveal myself, trust the situation, and feel connected. It’s when people are in my life that it becomes difficult.
Other people probably feel this way too, because so many people are totally forthcoming with me about their relationships. I’ve had married couples, like Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Vos, tell me secrets about the other. I’ve had longtime friends, like Cheech and Chong, tell me why they had a falling-out. People tell me why they got divorced. Others tell me why they’re still married to their high school sweethearts.
I’m not great at relationships with women, but I’ve been in many, so at the very least I have experience, up to a point. That doesn’t mean I’m much better at it, but I know how to handle it. The first time I was married I was with her about nine years, married for three and a half. I didn’t really want to be married, but I thought it would be a good thing for me. I thought it would straighten me out. It didn’t. I left her for a woman that did straighten me out, but I drained her. I was with her for about eight years, married for three and a half. The first wife wanted to have kids but I couldn’t handle it. The second one said this: “You think I want to bring kids into this?” So, no. I’ve had many semi-long-term relationships since the marriages and I almost got married again, which really would have been a bad idea.
I keep trying. I don’t need to be married again. I don’t need kids. I don’t need to live with anyone. At this point in my life I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. That’s a tough dating profile. I’m with someone now who has her own life and identity and does something completely different from what I do and owns her own house. It’s perfect. It’s working out.
Ultimately the common problem with all of my relationships was me. I was pathologically selfish. Over the last decade I have been humbled into allowing myself to be empathetic and understanding. I now know that others aren’t there solely to make me feel better or put up with my shit. It only took me until I was in my late forties to realize this.
The longest relationship I’ve had in my life is with my two cats, Monkey and LaFonda. We’re all enjoying getting old together and I know when they are sick of me and what to do about it. Snacks.
ANDY RICHTER—COMEDIAN, WRITER, ACTOR
Being married, the thing is, a fart at night, you are aware of it. There have been times where I have been lying in bed and had to get up and go into the bathroom to fart, just out of kindness for my wife, because I don’t want to wake her up with the foul stench of my rotting innards.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA