Unbreak My Heart (Rough Riders Legacy #1)

“He didn’t act like telling you his traumas should change how you view the past—your past? You know, all those years that you spent a lonely, neglected little boy? With no one hugging you or feeding you or giving a damn about you?” My voice broke and I tried to hide it because Boone didn’t need to deal with my emotions—I was here for him.

“Hey.” He tipped my head back. “I know this is ugly stuff.”

“I can handle it. What I can’t handle is you thinking you have to deal with any of this ugly stuff alone anymore.”

“I sorta gathered that when you showed up at midnight.” He traced the indent of my chin. “Thank you.”

Then Boone idly stroked my arm so I knew something else was on his mind. I waited.

After a while he said, “Do you think love forgives everything?”

“For example?”

“I love you, Sierra. The longer we’re together, the more I’m gonna love you.”

“I hope so.”

“Should my love for you forgive you for everything?”

“Are you asking me if there’s an unforgiveable action that would allow you to—maybe make you—fall out of love with me?”

He stopped touching me for just a moment. “Yeah.”

“I’m not being flip or saying this to make a bigger point, but if you found out that I sexually abused kids—ours or others—that’s unforgiveable. I wouldn’t deserve your love or anyone else’s.”

“But even if you stopped the behavior and sought help? Even if you had regrets and remorse? I shouldn’t love you? I shouldn’t believe you could change? I shouldn’t stand by you and support you?”

I rolled slightly to look into his face. “What are you getting at?”

Boone paused again. “I was thinking about my grandmother. Say she didn’t know about the sexual abuse. Say she found out and confronted her husband. Say he agrees to get help and stops the abuse. So at the darkest part of his life, she’s supposed to walk away? When he needs her love and support the most?”

“Yes. He willfully harmed their child—physically and emotionally. He doesn’t deserve love and support; he deserves to go to fucking jail. And from what your father told you, after the abuse ended, neither one of them gave him love and understanding. Your grandfather didn’t show remorse. He’s never apologized to his son for all the heinous things he did to him. Your grandparents just went on with their lives and left their son to deal with it on his own.”

“Would you…could you forgive me? If we had a kid I abused? If I did all the right things afterward? Got help, asked for forgiveness, tried to mend my life and fix whatever sick compulsion that might be fucking genetic? Could you love me?”

My heart collapsed. That wasn’t something he needed to worry about or focus on. “Boone. I can’t imagine all of the things that are going through your head right now. Let’s strip as much emotion from this as we can.”

“What are you—?”

“Hear me out. You are a medical professional. You’ve taken the biology and psychology classes. Don’t statistics overwhelmingly show that victims of sexual abuse usually become abusers themselves? I don’t think you need to worry that you’ve got a gene that’ll give you a higher chance than the rest of the population of becoming a pedophile.”

“My dad worried about that.”

I counted to ten. “Your dad was abused, so he had a reason to worry. He stopped the cycle.”

“That’s one thing he said to me. That I should be grateful I’m not dealing with what he is. He said my life, my childhood could’ve been so much worse.”

“Stop.” I kissed him. “Let’s take a break from talking about this for a while. Try and stop thinking about it.”

“I can’t. Jesus. This is life-altering stuff. I wish I could just shut it down. Stop thinking about it, stop talking about it. I don’t know how to say this… What I found out tonight, you won’t talk about that with anyone else, will you?”

“Anyone else meaning…my dad? My sister? My McKay cousins? Or maybe I’d call up Aunt Carolyn or Aunt Kimi and go off on them about their brother being a sick man, an incestuous pedophile?” Infuriated, I wiggled free of his hold and climbed off the bed. “I cannot believe you even asked me that, Boone. Jesus Christ.”

“This is new to me. I’ve never had anyone in my life I share everything with. So why are you acting offended? Like it’s a given that you don’t share what I tell you with anyone else, when I know damn well you’ve told Lu some of the things that have happened between us? Like us fucking in the foyer and the pool—I got an attaboy from Raj which did not make me happy. I have no idea how much detail you went into. You never asked if I minded that you discussed our sex life with your roommate!”