God damnit, I thought as I shoved my fists into my pockets and stormed away. I hate this.
I spent the rest of the afternoon filled with cautious optimism that Andrew or my private investigator would call and give me the good news I was so desperately craving – news of my stalker, and whether or not they had made an arrest. But the phone stayed silent, aside from Harry who called me three times. I ignored him, and tried to stay as focused on work as possible.
By the time I had to leave the office to meet Hanna for dinner, I felt terrible. I’d been useless in my office – I’d spent the last hour refreshing my email time after time, hoping to see some news. But nothing had changed. I still had to dump the first and only woman I’d ever loved…and I couldn’t even be honest with her about my reasons for doing it.
I walked into the restaurant five minutes after seven-thirty and the hostess showed me to a cozy, private table in the back. Hanna was already there, seated and looking radiant in a dark blue silk dress that hugged her slender curves. She bit her lip and looked up at me with passion in her eyes.
“Are you feeling better?” Hanna asked as I took a sip of water.
I didn’t answer.
“James, what’s going on?” Hanna asked. She frowned. “I can tell you’re upset about something. Can’t you just tell me?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “The truth is—”
Just as I was about to do it, the waitress appeared and beamed. “Hello,” she said. “Since we’re so new, we’re offering free appetizers tonight – would you like some wasabi potstickers?”
“Oh my god, yeah,” Hanna said. She glanced over at me and her smile faded. “Doesn’t that sound good, James?”
I shrugged. “Whatever,” I said. My stomach was in knots and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to eat anything. In fact, I’d been hoping to speak with Hanna before we got the chance to order, so she’d be able to leave without attracting as much attention. But I had a feeling that just like the rest of my life, tonight was totally and completely fucked.
“Oh, and I’ll have a ginger martini,” Hanna said. She smiled at me. “James, you want anything?”
“Yeah, just whatever light lager you have on tap,” I said, glancing up at the waitress. She beamed down at both of us.
“Sounds good, I’ll be right back with your orders,” she said. “And please – if there are any other snacks you’d like to sample, I bet we could work something out.”
“Wow,” Hanna said as soon as the waitress had gone. “I’d read about them giving out free stuff, but I didn’t—”
“Hanna, I really need to talk to you,” I said.
Hanna frowned. “I don’t like the sound of that,” she said. She narrowed her eyes and leaned back in the booth. “What’s going on, James?”
“Well, I—”
“Because if this is about work, I get it,” Hanna said. “I really do. But Linda told me it’s pretty normal for social activity to taper off between Christmas and New Year’s, and after New Year’s, we should be back up to our normal levels of engagement.”
I sighed. I’d known going in that this wasn’t going to be easy, but it was turning out to be harder than I could’ve possibly imagined.
“It’s not about work,” I said. My voice was cold and hard as I spoke, and I kept my eyes focused on Hanna’s pointed chin so I wouldn’t have to look into her eyes.
“James?” Hanna asked softly. “What’s going on? Did…did something else happen, you know…with the stalker?”
“No,” I lied. I shook my head. “It’s just, well, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m in the right place for a relationship right now. I have a lot going on with the new Magnate developments in South Korea and China, and I don’t really think this is the best time. It’s not fair to you, Hanna,” I continued. “You deserve to be with someone who devotes their complete attention to you, and I’m afraid I can’t do that.” The words were so painful to speak that I felt as if my mouth was filled with corrosive acid, or sharp knives.
“What the fuck,” Hanna said slowly. She reached across the table and took my chin in her hand, yanking my head up and forcing me to look at her. “I can’t believe this,” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “You’re kidding me, right? This is a test – this has to be a test!”
“It’s not a test,” I replied in a small voice. “I wish that it weren’t true, but it is. I don’t have the time or the energy for a relationship right now.”
“You’re an asshole,” Hanna hissed. Her voice was like liquid poison – it seeped into my pores and filled me with pain. “You just wanted to fuck me again! And I know that’s the truth, so don’t lie!”
“That isn’t true—”
“Yes, it is!” Hanna shouted. She leapt to her feet and I saw she was blinking away angry tears. More than anything, I wanted to take her in my arms and pull her close, tell her the truth, reassure her that I still loved her…and that I’d never stop loving her. But it was too late. Hanna was already grabbing her coat and pulling it close around her shoulders.
“I hate you, James West,” Hanna hissed. She leaned down and her nostrils flared. But there wasn’t anger in her eyes. There was blind, naked hurt and pain disguised as rage. For a moment, I felt a spark leap between our bodies, and I knew she felt it, too. Her angry expression softened, and I thought she was going to kiss me.
But the sting of her hand across my face was more than I deserved.
As Hanna turned on her heel and ran out of the restaurant, I wanted to chase after her. I wanted to take her hand, to hold her, to stroke her hair away from her brilliant green eyes and tell her that I loved her.
Then the memory of those damned photos came back into my mind, and I knew that I’d done the right thing. As I watched the distance between our bodies grow farther and farther apart, I knew that as long as Hanna and I were together, and as long as my stalker was out there, she would never be safe.
Chapter Fourteen
Hanna
The pain was overwhelming. It was enough to make me sick to my stomach, to fill every cell and nerve of my body with agony. My heart actually ached. I’d always thought that was a myth, but no.
Like everything else sick and sad in this world, it had turned out to be true.
For the first day or two, I was in a numb haze. I couldn’t do anything – I could barely leave my bed to use the bathroom. I called out of work, claiming that I’d come down with a bad winter cold, and because I’d been crying so much and I sounded congested, I was fairly sure they actually believed me. Danielle kept trying to talk to me, but I locked my bedroom door and refused to listen. The last thing I needed was her “help,” especially now that she’d been so fucking wrong about everything.
I was mad at James West. I was mad at Magnate Group. I was even mad at Danielle, for encouraging me to let my hair down and date the fucking CEO.