“Who are we to decide what is possible and what is not? I responded. “We should leave the prospect of possibilities to the gods, and we should simply be the ones trying.”
She shook her head at me and huffed. “That isn’t the way of it, Torben. At least not for me. I don’t know where you truly come from, but here, you don’t just walk about trying new things. There are responsibilities, duties, and expectations. I can’t just flit about like a whimsical girl with romantic notions.” Her hands fidgeted in her lap, and she ducked her head, no longer looking at me.
I pressed a finger under her chin and lifted it until her eyes met mine once again. My beautiful Allete. She was smart, beautiful, and brave, and she didn’t even realize just how much control she had over her own future. Would it come without pain or sacrifice? No, it would not. In fact, it would probably be more painful that she wanted to truly know. But that did not mean it was impossible. I had to somehow make her see that I was the man for her. I needed to make her realize this, not only for the hope of my clan, but for her own people as well. For both of our peoples, she would have to leave her kingdom and become part of mine.
“I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that your destiny is just that—yours. You are the master of your own life. There will be bumps and detours along the way, but at every turn, there will be a choice. Do not let yourself become a victim of your circumstances. You are too special for that fate.”
How was I supposed to respond to Torben’s statement? How could Torben possibly understand that, in my world, there was no choice, only duty? I was sure he couldn’t possibly understand that. I wanted to scream at him to stop giving me false hope.
“I wish that I could make your words my own, but we come from very different situations,” I tried to explain. I didn’t know how to verbalize what I needed him to know. I was frustrated and hurt.
“What do you want, Princess?” he asked. The look in his eyes said he was daring me to be honest with him.
“I want a life that is my own,” I finally admitted.
“Then it is your goal in life to make that desire a reality, not just a dream.” He stood and backed away toward the door. “You need your rest, and I need to think about how to keep Cathal from repeating today’s events.”
I winced as I saw his entire body tense as he said these words. “I appreciate your help, Torben, and your willingness to protect me. But…” I paused and took a deep breath to steady myself for what I knew I had to say. “This can’t happen again. We can’t be.”
I expected anger or hurt, but what I got instead was an amused smirk.
“I may be a guard, but sometimes I find that I have trouble following orders. Princess, this is happening, and it will continue to happen until you are mine.” He turned without another word and walked out of the door, closing it quietly behind him.
“Ugh!” I growled. “Infuriating, bull-headed, ridiculous male,” I snapped to the empty room. Frustration and helplessness threatened to overwhelm me. Why must I fall for him, the one I could not have? Why did he have to be so certain that we would be together and that I had some sort of choice in the matter? It was like talking to a cat. He stared at you while you spoke, and you might even believe for a second that he understood what you were saying, but then he just up and walked away with a confidence that made it clear he was going to do what he damn well pleased.
I stood, unable to sit still any longer, and began to pace the room. The warmth of the fire had chased away the chill on the outside, but it did nothing to warm the cold I felt enveloping my heart. To survive, I was going to have to harden myself. If I wanted to keep my sanity while being married to Cathal, then I would have to come to terms with the fact that my life would simply be about surviving. I couldn’t afford to hope for anything else. There would be no celebrations, no joy, or happiness. I would know only sorrow and pain. I would constantly be surrounded by the anger and evil of a man who cared for no one or nothing but himself.
I would have to learn that genuine smiles were a thing of the past. Laughter would be foreign to me, and joy would no longer be a part of my vocabulary. Instead of light, I would be surrounded by darkness, and I was going to have to learn how to survive. I wouldn’t thrive; how could I in such darkness?
By my twentieth turn across my chambers, I was ready to scream. Torben had been able to calm me down. He’d been able to drag me back from the despair into which I had been sinking. Who would drag me back from the pain of knowing I could never be with him? Who would help me heal over the loss of a chance at happiness?
“Why did you let him kiss you?” I seethed at myself. It would have been so much easier if I had never known how his lips felt or how his mouth tasted. “Easier?” I snorted. “I think not, Allete.” I couldn’t fool myself; kissing or not, it would be painful.
After fighting the frustration and hurt for over half an hour, I finally gave in. I let the sorrow fill me. I felt a single tear slide down my face and knew it would be the first of many. My heart was breaking for a love I would never know. Before the second tear fell, I found myself with my back pressed against the door, sliding down until I was sitting on the cold floor. It was the same position I’d found myself in once before, only then I’d been listening to Torben’s steady voice as I’d sat there, breaking down. This time there were no words of encouragement, just me with my tears and sorrow. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. My head fell forward until my forehead pressed against them.
My shoulders shook as I bit my lip to keep the sobs from filling the room. I felt weak. My heart was broken in more ways than one, and my soul felt empty. I needed to be strong for my father, my sisters, and my kingdom, but I didn’t know how to be that person. I wanted to crawl away into a hole and curl up while the world moved on without me. It would be easier to be stuck than to move forward with the future that life had for me.
“Why?” I whispered to myself. “Why does it have to be like this?” Some part of me longed for someone to answer. I wanted to have some sort of reason that might make it easier to accept, but there was no mystical voice or sudden revelation. There was only me, a cold floor and tears that could not wash away the pain that would burn inside of me until the day I died.
I closed my eyes as the tears continued to fall. Wrapped in my grief, I didn’t even realize when sleep surrounded me and pulled me down. I didn’t hear the voice on the other side of the door whispering words of love to me. I didn’t hear the promise of protection and happiness.
“I refuse to break my promise. I think long and hard before I make any vow, and in my short life, I have only given my word a handful of times. Why? Because others must be able to trust my words. I cannot lead if I am an oath breaker. I am an honorable man and I am determined to keep Allete safe. If I must sacrifice myself to make that happen, then I freely lay down my life.”