“Yes,” I huffed, but then, quieter, I said, “No. But it’s more than that. Instead of just telling me about B&P, Audra’s been increasingly resentful and nasty. And all along everyone knew why but me. Fawn slips up and spills secrets all the time. It’s not just Audra. I’m not sure I can be friends with any of them anymore. I mean, now I’m not even sure that I was to begin with.”
“Honey, the girls have known each other since they were babies. I’m not sure you can expect to have the same kind of friendship and trust that they do, coming in as late as you did.”
But then how come Ailey got let in on the secret?
“What do I know?” Mom sighed when I didn’t respond. “I always thought as far as friends are concerned, you reap what you sow.”
Poof. Gone went the relaxed vibe. In the dark I sensed Mom tense, like those last words accidentally got out and she wanted to bite them back in. I actually kind of felt sorry for her. Even in our times of peace, she still couldn’t quite like or forgive me. Audra was a bitch, my friends all let me down, and I’d reaped what I’d sown. Did this moment count as the person I loved tearing my heart to shreds? I rolled away from her so I was facing the wall.
“That didn’t come out right,” she said quietly, putting a hand on my back.
“It’s okay.” I forced out a laugh. “It’s good advice.”
She cleared her throat, then brightened. “How about I tell you the story of us?”
When I was growing up, anytime life seemed bad, Mom told me the story of us. It began with how she met Dad and continued to the present day. The moral of it was that life might not be easy, but we four Chengs were scrappy, we somehow always clawed our way to the top, and most importantly, we had each other.
But we didn’t anymore. And I wasn’t interested in this new ending.
“Nah, I’m pretty tired.”
She lingered for a few more seconds, then tucked Teddy in next to me. At my door she paused and said, “I love you.”
I didn’t respond. After a beat or two, I heard the soft click of my door shutting. As soon as it did, I grabbed my Doc.
moi I think we’ve both hurt each other. Maybe more than we meant. I just wanted to let you know, I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.
Only after I sent it did I realize I could have written the same words to half the people in my closest circle. Maybe I really did need to examine how I treated people. Not to sound like a cheesy song lyric, but why do we damage the ones we hold most precious?
Before I changed my mind, I added one more line.
moi I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be txting you anymore.
AnyLies’s reply was instant.
Why. Not.
moi I need to focus on other things now. Like my friendships, my family.
I AM your friend. I’m the one who told you there were other girls. I’m the one who is looking out for you. Aren’t you tired? Tired of having to pretend all the time? Tired of no one understanding you? Tired of friendships that aren’t everlasting? Tired of being watched, but not seen? I get it. But you still don’t. Do you?
I put my Doc down. I could feel the rage radiating off it.
You will regret this.
That was too much.
moi Leave the video up for all I care. I have nothing left to lose.
I wouldn’t be so sure. Enjoy the fall.
The next morning, I left for school early. I checked my Doc and looked over my shoulder the whole walk there. Every second I expected a new something awful to drop from AnyLies. It felt like the countdown all over again, but this time it was silent. T minus three, two, one…
I made it to Park Prep unscathed. After the security sensor checked me in, I used Ankle Breaker to hurry to the second floor, waited ten minutes until the Walk had to be over, then doubled back downstairs to Dr. Graff’s office. I told her secretary that Graff was expecting me.
Dr. Graff’s expression clouded when I slipped into her office. Yesterday she’d given me a very specific directive and time frame. I’d ignored both. You just didn’t do that.
“Kyle.”
“Good morning. Sorry to interrupt. I know you’re probably busy, but I wanted to stop in before class and tell you I’m feeling fine today.”
She tilted her head. “That’s good.”
“And I have a feeling I’ll be feeling fine tomorrow and the next day as well.”
She was getting it now. A haze of disapproval fogged her unblinking eyes.
“So if you’d like to go ahead with what we discussed yesterday, you may call my mom and tell her I’m suspended.”
My heart was beating like it was competing in a speed-beatboxing competition, but my voice stayed steady—thank you, debate prep. I almost apologized for being too forward, but I didn’t. “Never apologize for speaking your mind,” President Malin said in her televised special Elementary: Our Young, Our Future.
No, let Dr. Graff endure my unwavering stare, because, in five hundred words or less?
Today?
I was someone you got the F out of the way of.
“Thank goodness you’re here.” Fawn took my hands in hers. “Wait—are you supposed to be here right now? What about Graff?”
“F Graff,” I said.
So much for dodging the Walk. Fawn and Sharma were both waiting for me outside Graff’s office. Nothing about their outfits matched. It was the first time the girls and I hadn’t conspired on a theme in over three years.
This morning, I’d woken to txts from Fawn about her mom nearly calling the cops because she thought the brownstone was being broken into when she got home last night. Sharma had txted the exhausted-face emote. It was their way of assuring me they hadn’t all gone to another house without me after they left. I wasn’t entirely sure I cared.
“Why’s your Doc off?” Sharma asked.
“Are you still mad?” Fawn asked.
“All my friends have been lying to me for ten months. That doesn’t go away with a good night’s sleep, Fawnie. Sorry. I have to go. I don’t want to be late.”
“What does it matter?” Sharma asked. “Sub already thinks you slept with Mr. E.”
“Which is precisely why I refuse to create the impression that I’m tardy as well.”
Fawn tugged at my arm and pulled me to a standstill.
“None of us knew,” she said. “We had no idea B&P would be this huge. We thought we were just helping Audra with a goofy pet project and then it exploded this summer and at first we were just trying to help her keep up, and then we all felt like total scumbags for not telling you sooner, but were also kind of afraid of how pissed you’d be, and I totally understand if you never want to see our faces again. Only I hope that isn’t the case, because you’re one of my best friends and I’m so sorry I’ve been lying to you.” Fawn’s lip quivered dangerously close to the border of Sob Town. “I shouldn’t have taken that pic of you last night when you were upset. I thought it would lighten the mood. I feel like this is all my fault. Audra didn’t even come to school today.”
“So what?” I said. “She was absent yesterday too.”