"I do."
"Jude, I'm sorry. I can't let you and even if I would there are so many things to consider."
"Like what?" he presses. "I know you aren't ready for this to be real between us, but it's real for me and him. I love your kid, and I want what's best for him. I don't have a family to take care of."
"No, you don't," I say, pointedly. I take a few steps back so that I can lean against the wall. Jude gets to his feet and approaches me.
"I found my family. We both know that. It's time you start letting me be part of it.”
God, I want to, but I know better than to rely on anyone. "Why do you want him to have the implants, anyway? So that we can fuck on the couch? So that we can do whatever we want, because he'll be able to call out to us?"
Jude's eyes narrow and his shoulders tense. "That is not it at all and you know it."
"He's perfectly capable of communicating with us. We don't need to put him through an unnecessary procedure just so we can be selfish."
"It's not selfish to want what's best for him," Jude roars.
"And how do you know what's best for him?" I demand. "You're not his father. You haven't been here every day for the last four years."
He stops a few steps away from me. "I'm here now."
But I can tell my comments struck him. I long to take them back, but it needed to be said. The longer we pretend this is something other than it is the more we're both going to get hurt. We stare at each other as I try to get up the courage to make the next move, but it's Jude who finally speaks.
"Loving you two is the least selfish thing I've ever done. I know you have a hard time trusting other people, and I'm trying to be patient with that. But, dammit, sooner or later you're going to have to accept that I'm not going anywhere."
I clutch the door frame to prevent myself from running into his arms. Max’s reappearance ensures that instead. Even in the darkened hallway he looks green.
“Uh-oh." I shift to mom-mode instantly, but, before I can react, he opens his mouth and vomits all over the carpet. I close my eyes and search for the inner well-spring of maternal strength I need to tap at this moment.
"Just go," I say softly to Jude before I turn and carry my son into the bathroom. I peel his sticky clothes off him and help him wash his mouth out. I’m going through the motions. There's nothing I can do for a sick four-year-old. No medicine I can give him. I can simply be there, holding his hand and cleaning him up. That's the job I accepted the day he was born.
Why are you fighting? Max signs. Is it because of me?
I file away this small piece of evidence that sending Jude away is the best possible thing for my son.
"No," I say to him. "We're just talking."
Please, don't ask him to go, Max asks. And there it is. He wants him here as much as I want him here. As much as Jude wants to be here. Still I know that it's better to force him to go, because that won’t always be the case. They might not understand that now, but someday they will.
I doze off cuddling Max. When I trip bleary-eyed into the living room, I discover the vomit has been cleaned up. I find Jude in by the washing machine moving Max's pajamas into the dryer. He doesn't look up at me. "I'll leave in a second. I just didn't want you to have to deal with all of this."
Tears pricked the corner of my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I say softly.
He leans down gripping the edge of the washing machine and releases a heavy sigh. "I know what we're up against, Faith, and I know why you're worried. I can't promise you that I'll never make a mistake. But I can promise you that everything I have and everything that I am is yours."
He waits for me to respond and I know what he expects. I'm supposed to say the same thing and I want to, but I know that if I do, it will be a lie. When I don't speak, he turns and cups my chin. "Get some rest, Sunshine."
He needs to know the truth even if it means losing him. I open my mouth ready to spill all the sordid secrets and tortured memories of my past.
Instead Max begins to wail across the house, and my head falls forward. “Round two.”
"I've got this one," Jude says firmly. "You go to bed for a while. It looks like we're in for a long night."
We. We’re in for a long night. No hesitation. No expectation. Jude has chosen his place beside me and beside Max.
He pushes me toward my bedroom and then hurries to Max without so much as a kiss. I don't mind one bit. If he really believes this is where he belongs and this is what he wants, then his priorities are in the right place. Right now they need to be with Max.
As I climb under the covers and snuggle down into bed, my eyelids grow heavy even as my mind circles around on itself, turning over things that he needs to know. He needs to know why Max is deaf and he needs to know the sins that have brought me to this tiny town.
But most of all Jude needs to know what I'm running from.
Chapter 19