"I think I'd rather show you instead," I respond. He doesn't try to talk me out of it, which means he's game for breaking the rules, too. Instead, he lounges back, crossing his arms behind his head and shoots me a cocky grin. I creep forward and straddle him. Right now, I have enough self-control to keep my clothes on, but it won't last long. Lowering myself, I brush my lips across his. His huge hand lashes out and catches me around the back of my neck.
"We don't have time to be coy," he breathes. We collide in a tangle of limbs and tongues. His hand slips up my shirt fondling my breasts over my bra. There's something deliciously adolescent about the whole thing. We're not supposed to be doing this, and still, we can't keep our hands off each other, but there are boundaries and we both know it. That doesn't mean we can't push them, though.
His groin begins to grind against me, and I can't help circling my hips as our kisses deepen. I'm touching him through his clothes, wanting more and somehow, managing to hold myself back. All it does is drive me more crazy. His dick is hard. I feel it straining through his jeans, and I shamelessly rub myself against it through the cotton of my pants and the satin of my panties.
"I want to see you come," he whispers. It makes me moan, and I bite down on my lip to keep quiet.
"No one's here, baby," he urges. "It's just you and me."
Guilt flashes through me—the perpetual burden of being both a mother and a woman. Max has been in bed for hours, but it still feels wrong even though it feels oh, so very right. I bury my face in his neck to stifle the sounds I begin to make. His whiskers scratch my forehead and his hand is under my bra now, pinching and twisting my nipple as I writhe on top of him. His breath begins to speed up, matching mine when a tiny hand claps over my shoulder. We jump apart, trying to adjust the clothing that's slightly out of place. The guilt on Jude’s face betrays how I feel.
"Why are you out of bed?" I exclaim, but Max's eyes are turned to the floor. He's shifting uncomfortably on his feet, and I have to reach out and tip up his chin. He looks tentatively at both of us and my heart sinks. This is exactly what I’ve wanted to avoid.
Why are you out of bed? I sign. His lips quiver and he rubs his tummy.
Jude jumps in. Not feeling good, little man?
But I'm already on my feet guiding Max back towards his bedroom. I turn and call over my shoulder, "I guess I'll see you tomorrow."
"I don't have to leave," Jude says meaningfully.
Yes, you do, I think. Instead, I force myself to shrug. I want him to be here when I get back, but I need him to leave. I force a smile as I tuck Max back under his covers.
You just need to rest, buddy. Mommy is in the next room. Come and get me if you need me. I kiss his forehead but he still looks troubled. What's wrong?
Am I in trouble?
I close my eyes and try to keep my composure as my hands swiftly respond. No, of course you aren't in trouble. I am always here for you. No matter what.
I massage his back for a few minutes until his breathing grows shallow and his eyelids flutter with approaching dreams. Jude is still on the couch when I finally return.
"You should really go." This time I'm committed to what I’m saying.
"Faith, I ..."
But I hold up a hand to stop him. "I made the rules for a reason and, obviously, I can't trust myself when you're around."
"Then I will do better," he promises. "I broke the rules, too, remember?"
"They weren't your rules," I say with a shrug. I channel indifference, but instead, it comes out flat, as hollow as the idea of him leaving makes me feel.
"Like hell they're not my rules. You wouldn't need them at all if it wasn't for me."
"I've always had these rules," I say, defensively.
"How many men have you dated since Max was born?”
He's calling my bluff. My hands clench into fists at my side. "I don't need you to analyze me.”
Jude glances out the window and we both fall silent.
"I'm sorry, Faith, I'm not trying to take things out on you, but neither of us should be taking things out on ourselves, either. It's natural for a man and a woman who have feelings for one another to want to be intimate."
"I suppose so, but that's just not something that I'm capable of." I force myself to say it, even though I feel my heart starting to crack at the edges.
"Don't get carried away. Don't let guilt force you to say something you don't mean.” It's not advice. It's an order, and I bristle at the firm tone of his voice.
"My number one priority is protecting Max and making sure he doesn't get hurt.”
“Do you think I would hurt him?" Jude asks in a strangled tone.
"No, but what happens in a few months if you decide you want to move back to Seattle? Or LA? I don't know where we fit in the picture."
"You are the picture. Everything else is background,” Jude says softly.
I want to go to him then, but I resist. He says all the right things and he means them. So, why can't I let him love me?
When I don't respond he switches tactics. "Maybe we need to approach this practically. I've been doing a little research on cochlear implants."
"What?!" I cry. It's the last place I expected this conversation to go.
"I know you said the insurance company wouldn't pay for them, but that's not really an issue now."
"It is an issue," I stop him, "because I don't have the money for them."