Sometimes life flies by you and you’re left trying to hang on to every precious moment. When your child is born and they smile for the first time or roll over or begin to walk. It happens so quickly. When Max was a baby, I fell in love with him more each day. I never thought it would happen like that again.
I’m not quite ready to admit that it has.
Jude sits on the living room floor with Max practicing sign language as I consider this. He’s been at it for nearly a month, not long after I finally gave in and kissed him again. The night I found myself in his bed. The time is flying by, and in moments like this as I watch him with my son, it makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I want to say it’s moving too quickly, but it’s exhilarating.
There are rules though.
He never spends the night. We don’t kiss in front of Max. Sometimes Jude sneak-holds my hand, but he is not my boyfriend and I am not his girlfriend, even though we both know we are.
I can’t risk Max getting any more attached to him than he already is. Who am I kidding? We’re both attached. I keep peeking in at their progress. Max is delighted to be a teacher. He’s a natural at it. Of course, he has a very willing student. I’m spying on them when Amie comes home.
“How are things holding up?” I ask her. Spring has officially settled into Port Townsend with its misty fog and ever steadier stream of tourists. It also means that preschool is out for spring break, and that I’m not at the restaurant.
“We’re fine.” She waves off my concern, but dark rings circle her eyes.
She’s been there more than usual. I’m doing what I can from home, placing orders and paying bills, but honestly, she needs me there if for no other reason than to keep her sane. Someone has to be able to haul the chef out of the kitchen when she’s losing her shit.
“It’s only a few days,” I reassure her, “Then you won’t be able to get rid of me.”
“What’s only a few days?” Jude asks coming into the kitchen.
“Max is out of school the rest of the week,” I tell him, but he already knows. We’re both trying to pretend that he’s not playing the father figure.
“Leaving me without my right hand,” Amie adds, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “Remind me to give you a raise when you get back.”
“I will do that,” I promise her.
“You know, if you need her that badly”—Jude hesitates—“I could take care of Max for a few days, even just for a few hours.”
Amie and I share a glance. It’s a touchy topic. I’ve required most babysitters to pass through a level of security the FBI would find astounding. If I had ever had a boyfriend before, I certainly would never have left Max with him.
“That would be great,” Amie pipes up.
I gawk at her and mouth traitor. Jude notices and gives me a reassuring smile, the one that makes my stomach flutter.
“If you’re not cool with it it’s completely fine. All you have to do is say no.”
But I’m so used to saying yes to Jude.
“Okay,” I say at last. Surprise flits across both of their faces, but wisely neither of them say anything.
“Okay, I’ll pick up him tomorrow,” Jude can’t quite contain his excitement. Boyish things have been filtering into our house for weeks. A new PlayStation, dinosaur toys, a Spider-Man mask. He might be as big of a kid as my own. I can only imagine how much he’ll spoil Max this week.
“I should get home,” Jude says, “I need to wrap up a few bars on this new song so that I can focus on little man this week.”
“Why are you over here anyway?” Amie feigns innocence.
“I keep finding things to fix.” He pokes his head into the living room.
Max is watching TV, and Jude takes the opportunity to give me a swift kiss. “I’ll see you in the morning, Sunshine.”
I’m still smiling when I close the front door behind him.
“I’m beginning to suspect that he breaks things so he can come over to fix them,” Amie says.
The smile falls from my face. With Jude gone, I need to address the elephant in the room. “Are we cool? I know he’s here a lot.”
“Like I mind. Do you think I could get him to paint my bedroom? He is so much cheaper than hiring a handyman. You just have to pay him in hot, hot sex.”
I ignore the last statement. “You’ll let me know if it gets overwhelming, though?”
“Yes, I promise,” she says dramatically, “But, you know, you can stay over there some nights. I am completely capable of caring for your child. I’ve done it before.”
I know she is, but it’s about more than that.
“I just don’t want Max to think I’ve abandoned him for Jude,” I tell her.
“He will never think that,” she says.
“Things are just changing so rapidly. I don’t want him to get swept up in that. I don’t want him to get hurt.”
“You can’t put him in a bubble, honey.”
“I wish I could,” I admit.
“I know.”