That isn’t why I didn’t roll it down, but it reminds me of why I should have. Jude gives. He’s selfless with his time and attention. He didn’t shy away from helping me, just like he didn’t abandon Anne in that bar. Realizing this only cements my desire to jump him.
“So you’re speaking to me again?” he asks.
“I guess so.” If he only knew why I came in the first place. I wrap my hands tightly around the steering wheel, wondering if I can find the inner bad ass I used to be.
“Come inside.” He doesn’t wait to see if I follow. Jude lumbers toward the house, stretching his tempting arms over his head and behind his back.
This is my chance to run. I turn off the engine instead and trail him to the front door.
The first time I stepped into his house I was awestruck. Today, I find myself speechless, but only because I’m searching for an excuse to be here that doesn’t dissolve every ounce of dignity I possess. I can almost hear Amie lecturing me now.
Jude wanders into the kitchen and pulls a water bottle from the Sub-Zero fridge. He holds one out to me, but I shake my head. I run my fingers over the smooth granite counter as he downs the whole bottle. He looks like a statue with his head tipped back and his body on display. The only proof he isn’t a chiseled piece of art is the swift slide of his throat as he swallows.
When he finishes, he tosses the bottle into a recycling bin and turns to me. “Are we actually speaking? Because you’re pretty quiet, Sunshine.”
“Yes,” I say too quickly. I mean, we are or we will be.
“You’ve avoided my calls.” He speaks casually, but his eyes are wounded.
My distance hurt him, but he needs to understand why it’s necessary at times. “I didn’t come over to get into this, but we can’t move forward if I pretend otherwise. I think it’s hard for some of us to accept optimism. We have to train ourselves to be realists.”
“... or cynics,” he offers.
“Maybe,” I admit. This is not going how I planned. “But personally, I’ve learned the hard way, that too much hope can blind someone to the facts.”
He steps closer. “Too little can be a lonely place.”
Are we talking about Anne or us? I don’t have the courage to ask. “Sometimes I don’t think I’m capable of having faith anymore.”
“Yes, you are.” He closes the gap between us. “You are faith.”
But I’m not. I never have been. My name is a lie. I’m no more capable of believing in my future than I am of forgetting my past. “I’m not,” I say. “I wish I could be.”
“Let me help you.” His hand cups my cheek and I nuzzle into his warm palm. “I’ll have faith in you until you can find it again.”
I’ve been taught that no one can fix you and I’ve guarded myself from letting anyone try, but I can’t deny that I want Jude and everything he’s offering me. I want him to believe in me so that I can have the strength to believe in us.
“Will you let me in?” he asks.
I answer with my lips, crushing my mouth to his. It’s not the aching, hungry kiss I imagined as I drove here. It’s better. Jude’s hand slides from my face to knit through my hair and hold me tightly to him. We don’t fight to get closer, but rather our bodies shift as the kiss deepens until I mold against him. I fit there, my curves softening into his hardness. We’re made for each other. The fleeting thought can’t scare me in this moment because with him here, I have no doubt that this is right.
Jude pulls away, leaving us breathless. “Are you sure about this?”
I answer him with another kiss, murmuring yes against his mouth. He doesn’t need any more incentive as he lifts me off the ground and carries me through the house. I don’t know where we’re going and I don’t care.
When Jude deposits me on a bed, I realize I must be in his room. Light streams in from windows I can’t see because I only have eyes for him.
“I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me again, Sunshine,” he says as he begins to strip. He pulls the damp t-shirt off his body. A shyness comes over me, but I don’t turn away as he reveals himself. I wouldn’t want to.
This isn’t new. This isn’t my first time watching a man undress, but with Jude everything feels like it’s the first time. He’s even more perfect than I had pictured. The tattoo I had seen peeking from his sleeve swirls up over his shoulder and across his chest. I want to ask him what it means. I want to ask him everything about himself, but I bite my lip instead. My eyes lock on his as he pushes his pants to the floor. Jude drops onto the bed, crawling over me.
“You have me at a disadvantage,” he says gruffly. His lips move to my neck as he grips the hem of my shirt and slowly works it up. He pulls away from me, but only to tug it off of my head. His hands slip behind my back and unsnap my bra, freeing my breasts. Within a few minutes I’m as bared to him as he is to me, but I don’t feel ashamed, or embarrassed, or nervous.
The sparks where we touch kindle into flames. Fire builds slowly inside my belly until it snakes across my skin. I want my skin touching his everywhere. I want to burn alive.