“Hey.” My hand on her knee moved to cup her face. “Don’t do that, don’t put up any walls. I just want to talk.” She nodded, so I continued. “Tell me, honestly, the man you see yourself with for the rest of your life, how does he support you in regard to having children?”
Her eyes went wide with my question, but I simply slid my hand around the back of her neck and brought her forehead to mine. “It’s okay, Grace. We’re not making plans here, we’re just talking. I want to know where your head is at, how you’re feeling, and what you want in the future. Just talk to me.” She nodded again, took in a deep breath, then relaxed a little as she exhaled. I loosened my hold on her, and we both leaned back. She bit her lip again, her eyes on the hand in her lap, fidgeting, but then eventually her gaze met mine.
“After everything that happened with Jeff, I’d pretty much resigned myself to never having kids. For a long time, I thought I’d never want to be with another man again. You know, scorned woman and all. I figured I’d be single forever and be a fabulous unmarried woman. But then the years passed and I realized I didn’t want to be alone forever. The idea of dating again started to seep in, but I never did because every time I pictured myself dating a man, I pictured having the conversation with him I had with you today. And I always pictured him leaving afterward.” She dropped her eyes again, looking down at her lap. “I mean, no man would want a barren woman.”
“Hey, stop it,” I whispered, squeezing her knee for emphasis.
She shrugged. “I’m being honest, Devon.”
I couldn’t argue with that. Honesty was what I’d asked for.
“Anyway,” she continued. “If Jeff hadn’t cheated on me, if we’d stayed together, I would have done another round of IVF. It was hard, and it was painful in all kinds of ways, but I would have done it again. So, I guess my future husband would have to be onboard for that. Or at least open to it.” She shrugged again and let out a breath.
“What all does that entail?”
“It involves a lot. He would have to give me daily injections of hormones. It’s a lot of doctor appointments, ejaculating into a cup, and watching me go through some painful procedures. It’s crazy mood swings and a lot of emotional breakdowns.” She sighed, pushing her brown locks out of her face. “It’s also expensive, and not guaranteed. You end up spending twenty thousand dollars and in the end you might not even have a baby.”
“I’ve spent twenty thousand dollars on things way less impressive than a baby,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Devon, don’t,” she chastised, her eyes darting downward again. “You wanted to have this conversation, and I knew it was coming, but don’t joke around.”
“Grace, look at me.” She didn’t, so I put a finger under her chin and brought her face up, looking her in the eyes. “I’m not joking, and I’m glad we’re talking about this. Listen,” I said, dropping my hand but shifting so both my hands were wrapped around her. “I’m not saying we’re going to get married next week, but I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t see a future. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us, after what happened today, if we didn’t talk about it. I don’t want either of us to keep this up if it’s just going to end down the line because we didn’t talk about it.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I want to know where your head’s at, what you might want in the future.”
“I want to be a mom.”
“What about a stepmom?” With one question I’d moved us from the hypothetical to the reality. The switch was bold and the air changed around us. The conversation was suddenly very serious.
“I love Ruby and Jax, Devon. And if one day I got the chance to be their stepmother, I’d be honored. I’d love them and protect them, do anything I could for them. But….”
“But you’d still want a child of your own.”
She nodded and I could see the tears welling in her eyes.
“Don’t cry, Gracie. There’s no reason to cry. If one day I get to be your husband, I’ll do anything I can to make that happen for you.”
“I would never want you or the kids to think you weren’t enough for me, because I swear I would be happy with just us four, but if there’s a chance—?
“I want to take that chance with you.”
We stared at each other for a moment, our breaths panting in and out, both trying to take in the enormity of what we’d said to each other. I’d meant to have a conversation just to clear the air, to get everything out on the table, but I hadn’t meant to talk seriously about marriage.
Not that I hadn’t thought about it.
I had.
In passing.
I’d thought about marrying Grace when she helped Jaxy read a particularly hard word the week before last.
I’d thought about marrying Grace when she’d texted me to pick up some milk from the grocery store. I’d run out to rent a movie, and she and the kids decided to make cookies and didn’t think there was enough milk for everyone.