I couldn’t hold back any longer. I leaned back down, kissing her as I entered her, both of us groaning at the connection.
The next few hours were spent in each other’s arms, finding every way we could to make each other’s bodies sing. So many times I wanted to tell her how I felt, that I loved her, that I needed more than just her body, but her heart and her soul as well. I thought perhaps I saw the same war going on inside her eyes, so I spent the time, instead, using my body to say the words.
Chapter Sixteen
Devon
Grace had been spending nights at my house for a while, but she had a tendency to not want the kids to see her there in the mornings. I understood, but I didn’t necessarily agree. I wanted the kids to get used to her being around, at any time of day. But I also didn’t want to make Grace uncomfortable. That was why I stood against the doorjamb and watched her car pull away from the curb, giving her a wave.
She was fucking beautiful in the mornings and it was difficult to let her out of bed.
We spent long nights making love, then she’d disappear as soon as the sun came up, and each time I wanted to hold her to me, to make her stay.
Once her car was out of sight I shut the door and moved toward the kitchen to put my coffee cup in the sink.
My eyes were caught by the picture of Olivia hanging in the living room.
When we’d first moved to Florida, I was still trying to process Olivia’s death and even though I knew being close to my parents would help all of us, I didn’t want my kids to leave Olivia behind. I was afraid that moving from the home they’d had with her to a new one with no part of her would be upsetting. So I made sure Olivia was there, as much as she could be.
My eyes wandered throughout the living room and I took in all the photos of her. Every photo was intentional. I’d put them there so Ruby and Jax could see her and even, perhaps, feel her there. And in the beginning, it worked. I saw her face all the time.
But now, the photos were fading into the background. I only saw them if I looked for them. And I hadn’t been looking very often.
I put my coffee cup in the sink and decided to make the kids a big breakfast, or as big as I could manage. Pancakes and eggs were about my limit. One day I needed to figure out how to cook bacon on the grill outside. My mind was working on the difficult thoughts, milling them around, breaking them down, as I put the pancake mix, eggs, and milk together in the bowl and started mixing.
I made twenty pancakes and scrambled and cooked eight eggs, and my mind still hadn’t worked everything out.
When the sounds of children waking and moving around started to filter in from down the hall, I knew it would only be a few minutes before Ruby and Jaxy made their way to the kitchen, led by their noses. Going all out, I set the table, ready to have a family breakfast.
“Daddy,” Jaxy cried excitedly. “Did you make pancakes for breakfast?”
“Sure did, bud.” I pulled his chair out for him and he practically dove for it, eyes trained on the giant stack of pancakes before him. “Eggs, too.”
“Best dad ever!”
“Is it somebody’s birthday?” Ruby asked, coming into the kitchen from the hallway, eyes on the food as well.
“Nope. I was just up early and thought you guys could use a good breakfast.”
Ruby shrugged and took her seat.
We all filled our plates with food and dug in, the kids talking with full mouths, telling me what their plans were for the weekend. Most of the plans included video games and playing with the kids who lived down the street. Normal kid stuff. And it hurt my heart, but I had to bring up the topic that no kid should have to deal with.
Placing my fork down, I laced my fingers together and pressed them against my lips, trying to find the right words.
“Ruby, Jax, I have a question,” I started, my voice wavering just the slightest. I was nervous, but I didn’t want them to see that. “How would you guys feel about redecorating the living room?”
Ruby’s eyes wandered to the room in question, and Jaxy simply shrugged, said, “Okay,” and then crammed another forkful of pancake into his mouth.
“You mean, like, new paint and throw pillows?” Ruby asked, a little more suspicious than her brother.
“We could paint,” I said, nodding, still struggling. “How would you guys feel if we took down some of the photos of your mom?” Both kids stilled and the room was silent. My breath stalled and my throat was dry.
“Why do we have to take them down?” This came from Jaxy. He looked more confused than hurt, so I was glad about that. I could deal with confusion, but I didn’t want to hurt my kids.
“We don’t have to take them down, bud. I was just looking at the living room this morning and noticed there are a lot of pictures of her. And that’s great. We can leave them up if you want, but I just thought maybe it was time to take some down.”