Nerves skittered through me. My belly flipped, and my feet refused to move.
He scared me. Granted, it wasn’t in the same way that Derrek did, not even close. But I still couldn’t let myself trust him. To trust him meant I had to be vulnerable, meant allowing him space in my life, giving him the ability to hurt me.
I knew, I just knew, that if I gave Killian that power, he wouldn’t take a little bit. He would take as much as he could. He would pull and pull and pull and demand everything I had.
And then when he hurt me? It wouldn’t be a small thing. It would be complete and total destruction.
His knuckles rapped against the door, punctuating the frantic beat of my heart with a harsh tap tap tap. When I didn’t move, Wyatt did. He flicked open the deadbolt and stepped back to make room for Killian.
The tiny kitchen felt even smaller with the two of them taking up so much space. Killian looked around like he’d never been here before, absorbing every detail with his sharp gaze.
“What do you have left to do?” he asked.
I spun around and grabbed the last of the food that needed to be taken to the commissary. It was a pain to haul the food back and forth every single day, but at least I could park the truck here without worrying about it. Vann was awesome for that.
“I just have these,” I pointed at the crates of food that needed to be carried to my car.
“This seems unnecessary,” Killian sighed. “Why don’t you just store everything at Lilou?”
I squinted at him, waiting for him to get all the conflicts of interest involved in that one question. When he didn’t figure it out on his own, I gave him my reasons. “Because that’s dumb.”
He shook his head and grabbed a crate. “Where are you renting space from then?”
“The commissary.”
He turned to Wyatt, not giving my answer a response. “Thanks for helping, man. I owe you.”
There was a weird beat of silence where Wyatt and I simultaneously wondered why Killian owed him. Wasn’t it me Wyatt did the favor for?
“It’s no problem, Chef,” Wyatt shrugged. “I’ll just head back. Who’s in charge now?”
“Kaya, but take over when you get there.”
“She’s going to be pissed.”
“Who cares,” Killian shrugged. “I told her you’d be back. Don’t let her give you any shit and make sure she stays on track. I’m not dealing with her temper tantrums, yeah?”
“Got it.” Wyatt swallowed thickly which made me think he was more nervous about standing up to Kaya than he wanted Killian to believe.
“And, Wyatt?”
“Yes, chef?”
“Don’t fuck anything up.”
Wyatt gulped for the second time. “Yes, chef.”
Killian jerked his head toward the door, and Wyatt dropped the rag on the counter and backed away. “See you around, Vera.”
“Thanks again,” I told him quickly. “I really appreciate you showing up when you did.”
His eyes flashed with concern and his mouth pressed into a frown. He hadn’t asked any questions about Derrek, and I was grateful for that. But looking at him now I could tell he was worried about me. I just didn’t have anything to tell him.
I was worried about me too.
He lifted a hand in a lazy wave and disappeared out the door.
I turned away from Killian and focused on the closing tasks. “I just need to shut everything down, then I’m ready to go.”
He didn’t say anything, so I went about double checking everything was off, closing the windows and locking everything up. It was a twenty-minute routine that got tedious, but Killian didn’t complain.
When I was finished, he picked up two crates of food, one on top of the other, and headed down the steps. I grabbed the remaining crate and followed him.
He hovered over me while I set mine down again to lock the outside door. “Thanks for staying with me,” I told him in a voice just barely above a whisper.
“Derrek Hanover is your ex-boyfriend? The one that drove you to Europe?”
Well, he didn’t waste any time.
I knew he would have questions. What was worse, I knew he would want answers. My days of dodging the whole truth and nothing but the truth were over.
But, damn, I wasn’t ready for this.
I also wasn’t ready to see Derrek again, but apparently I didn’t get to pick and choose my problems.
“Derrek Hanover is my ex-boyfriend,” I confirmed. I swooped down and picked up my crate. It was easier to talk about this if I didn’t have to look at Killian or acknowledge his existence altogether. I led him into the alley and toward my car.
“Europe?” Killian pressed, not giving me any wiggle room.
“He didn’t drive me there. I went. Willingly.” Which made it seem like I was the flighty one. I had no idea why I was still covering for Derrek. Four months ago, when I’d gotten back, I’d convinced myself I could talk about my relationship with him. I’d promised that I wouldn’t bury everything. But the words were so difficult to spit out.
My shame was too great to admit. Especially to someone like Killian who would never let anyone intimidate or abuse him. And sure, he was a man, so the chances of that happening were minuscule. But it was more than that. It was his personality. He didn’t put up with shit from anybody.
We reached my Taurus after a minute of tense silence. After enough nights of loading and unloading, I had the keys and trunk situation down to a science. Still balancing my crate packed with food, I unlocked the trunk and unloaded mine and then one of Killian’s.
“The other one is going to have to go in the back seat.”
He followed me to the side and slid it in. He stayed quiet the entire time.
His silence became a tangible thing in the air, heavy, dangerous and confusing. It was like he was mad at me for being involved with Derrek. And okay, I was mad at me too, but I didn’t get it coming from him.
I closed the door and stepped back from him, not sure if I was ready to get into the enclosed space of my car just yet. “Do you know Derrek?”
“Do I know Derrek Hanover?” he repeated, only where my tone had been openly curious, his had an edge. “Yeah, I know Derrek Hanover.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and shuffled my feet, kicking at a small rock. The night air had cooled down, and a refreshing breeze danced in the air. The clear sky allowed the half-moon to glow as brightly as it could, but it was still completely dark. A streetlight on the corner provided only a little light, casting Killian in shadow and hiding his features from me.
There wasn’t an easy response to his biting remarks. I knew Derrek better than anyone. Killian was right not to like him. But this wasn’t one of those situations where I cared about the whys of it. I wasn’t interested in gossiping about my ex.
I just wanted to forget about him completely.
“Well, thanks for helping me close down.” My voice sounded small, hidden behind old fears and fresh shock. “I appreciate everything you did tonight.”
He stared at me for a minute, once again refusing to acknowledge my gratitude. His hand shot out, bouncing with impatience. “Here, I’ll drive.”
“What?”