“Watching an awesome show, apparently. Who was that chick you were fighting with?”
“We weren’t fighting,” I answered quickly. Too quickly.
“Oh, so you were role-playing? In the middle of a coffee shop too? Kinky.”
“Why are you bothering me, Seth?”
He frowned. “I just came over to say hi. Jesus. Get the stick out of your ass, Fields.”
I sighed. I should probably have apologized to Seth for snapping at him, but with him, that would have meant relinquishing my pride. I definitely wasn’t going to do that. “I’m not in a good mood right now.”
“I can see that.” He set his cup down on the table and leaned close to me. “Really, though. Who’s the girl with the legs? Is she on the list yet?”
My nails dug into my palms. Riley may not have been my girlfriend, but that didn’t mean I liked the idea of Seth’s grubby little paws all over her.
“Xavier? Come on. What’s her name? I want to look her up.”
I worked my tongue around my dry mouth. I had to answer. There was only one exception to girls going on the list, and that’s when they were your serious girlfriend. If I were to tell Seth to back off, that would mean that I claimed Riley as my own. Which meant I wouldn’t be able to access the women already on the list. Doing so would be considered an act of greed. To the three others in my circle, it would look like I was keeping the best to myself while still indulging on the side. That went completely against code. It would be akin to a toddler taking one toy and claiming it was his and only his while still helping himself to his friends’ toy boxes.
One of the core concepts of the list was that we shared information freely. There was no hoarding of women unless you were done with the database, whether temporarily or long-term.
“Riley. Her name is Riley Carson.” The words covered my tongue in a thick, nasty smoke. Saying them felt like a betrayal. I knew it wasn’t though. I was a mess right now. My stupid emotions were getting the better of me.
“Huh, I thought it would be something nicer. So, what’s the deal? Is she your girlfriend?” He laughed at his own joke. Seth, like everyone else who knew me, understood that I didn’t do girlfriends.
He stood up and stretched. “Is she on the list yet?”
“No,” I said to the table. “She’s not on there. I only recently met her.”
“Sweet. Come on, let’s go put her in now. I need to go to the office anyway. I was so wasted last night I left my iPhone there.”
My legs were lead, but I forced them to move. I didn’t want to put Riley on the list, but I also understood that doing so would be good. It would help me move on from what was happening between us. It would help me forget that I came within an inch of losing myself.
I led the way to the club while Seth prattled on about his new yacht and how much it had cost his father. Enigma was completely empty. We were still hours away from the staff arriving. The second we walked in, my eyes went to the spot at the bar where I’d fucked Riley. My gut wrenched at the memory. I sped my pace up and took us upstairs.
Once inside the office, Seth sat down and typed Riley’s information into the database while I dictated. Each word was painful, but the agony was a sign. It meant I needed to get rid of this silly attachment I’d been forming. Riley needed to become just another woman to me, one to offer me occasional company and sex.
Finishing the file was a relief. Seth downloaded a picture from Riley’s Facebook page, but I had no desire to look and see which one it was. All I wanted was a stiff drink.
“I’m hitting up that new rooftop bar,” Seth announced as he stood. “You wanna go? I can get us into the VIP section.”
I turned away from him and helped myself to the minibar. “No, thanks.”
“Your loss.”
He breezed out of the room without another word. I took my whiskey and settled onto the couch. The computer leered at me from across the room. I could have gotten up right then and deleted Riley’s file. I could have called Seth up and told him to forget about this whole thing, that Riley was mine and he needed to stay away from her.
But I didn’t. What I was doing was necessary. It might have stung like hell, but it seemed to be my only option.
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
Riley
I stepped out of the Williamsburg clothing boutique and rolled my neck around to get out all the kinks. A week without a full-time job hadn’t felt like a break from work at all. Any time I hadn’t spent working at the bar or sleeping, I’d used up with job hunting.
The first thing I’d done was check to see if there were any more shifts open at the bar. Since there weren’t, I’d resorted to running around Brooklyn and Manhattan, dropping off resumes. I’d left them at coffee shops, clothing stores, and bakeries. Even though I was considering going back to school as soon as I could, I still needed a second job to save up some money. I wasn’t thrilled about the prospect, but I hoped any new job I got wouldn’t be as crazy as Crumbs.
Right now, it was those little things that kept me going. It was the promise of a better future. And thank God I had that, because the last few weeks had been littered with nothing but disappointment and confusion.
I’d told Xavier I needed some time to think about us, but I knew the second I left that coffee shop I didn’t have to spend any more brain power on the subject. Xavier and I were different people. We wanted very different things. I should have just counted my lucky stars that I found the truth out two weeks in and not six months or a year later.
Though I felt decisive about it, I still hadn’t texted or called to let him know. I couldn’t explain my actions, really. Maybe I hoped he’d suddenly change his mind about me, so I kept the door open.
With each day that passed, though, I saw more and more of the light. Xavier wasn’t the kind of man I was looking for. I wanted something similar to what I had with Jesse. I wanted a boyfriend. Preferably one who would stick around.
It hurt to realize it couldn’t be Xavier, but what could I do? Stay in bed all day and cry? Stalk him and beg him to be mine?
The dreams weren’t making it easy. Every night, like clockwork, I put my head on my pillow and Xavier was there. Touching me. Tasting me. Looking at me through those soft, gray eyes. Except in my dreams, he was different. He was the real Xavier, the one I’d never gotten to know. He wasn’t the man who kept me at arm’s length and lived in the shadows. He was the one who loved freely and embraced life.
I knew that Xavier existed. He was there, just below the mask. There had been fleeting moments where he showed himself, like in the lake. Maybe one day he’d fully expose himself. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be around to see that happen.