“Nice to meet you,” I said, my chin stuck on her shoulder. “Who’s that guy?”
There was another person who was free to move about. He was dressed like a cross between a Secret Service agent and a GQ model. He was as handsome as Guanyin was pretty, his facial features sharper than his five-figure suit. But his air of cold disdain made it clear he wasn’t in the business of handing out hugs. Quentin tensed up when he saw him.
“Erlang Shen,” he hissed with more vitriol than he spent on the Demon King of Confusion. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Erlang Shen pulled off his sunglasses and scanned the block with an imperial, unblinking gaze.
“Escorting the Lady Guanyin,” he said while completely overlooking Quentin. “Aren’t you going to introduce me as well, Keeper of the Horses?”
That had to have been some kind of insult, because Quentin looked as if he’d rather Erlang Shen’s face get acquainted with his fist. All I knew of the other god was that he was the only person who’d ever bested Sun Wukong in a fight. The grudge must have run deep.
“Of course not,” said Erlang Shen. He smirked as if getting under Quentin’s skin was the sport of kings. Then he turned to me and bowed slightly.
“You’re . . . the nephew of the Jade Emperor, right?” I asked.
“Among other things. I prefer to be known for mastering the torrents and bringing life to the fields.”
“He’s basically a glorified ditch-digger,” Quentin said.
“Be nice,” said Guanyin. “I heard you two needed some help.”
“Yes!” I chimed in. “We do. We need to get rid of some demons, quickly.”
Erlang Shen made a move like the bodyguard he resembled, stepping forward and reaching inside his jacket, but Guanyin held him off. “Where are they?” she asked.
“Inside the shop. We need someone to take them away, or else I’m going to be in trouble. A lot of trouble.”
“Okay, sure.” Guanyin wiggled her fingers vaguely in that direction. “Done. Bibbity bobbity boo.”
“What?” I said. “Just like that?”
She smiled. “Sometimes it’s just like that.”
The door to the shop swung open and lions filed out. Not men in lion masks, like what had briefly appeared to me before. Full-on lions with lion bodies, walking on all fours. I had to do a double take to make sure it wasn’t a group of oversize housecats or possums or any other more plausible animal. But no, seven lions limping meekly on parade.
They picked their way through the forest of frozen humans and went up to Guanyin, pushing me aside. The wounded beasts flocked around her and nuzzled at her outstretched hands. She looked like a Disney princess befriending the local wildlife, her munificence taming even the most vicious of creatures.
One of them was in way worse shape than the others. That must have been Tawny Lion. It cringed when I looked at it and tried to keep to the opposite side of Guanyin.
It was a lot harder not to feel bad when they were in this form. I wasn’t big on animal cruelty.
He nearly killed someone, I reminded myself. He’s lucky he’s not a rug by now.
Guanyin stepped back and made a face of slight concentration. The pride of lions began to quiver. Not like they were afraid or cold, but like they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to exist or not. In a final small flash of light, only the strength of a disposable camera maybe, they were gone.
I stared at the space where they’d been, trying to wrap my head around the last ten minutes.
“I’m having a hard time believing what I’m seeing,” I said. “The lions, the people in the street, all of it.”
“Do not doubt the Lady Guanyin’s abilities,” said Erlang Shen. “She once pacified Hell itself by giving away her own good karma. There was so much overflowing from her that Yanluo, King of Death, had to beg her to leave before her virtuous aura quenched the fires of suffering and allowed the guilty demons to escape their sentences.”
“I’ll . . . take your word for it?” I said.
Guanyin turned to me. “That’s that. I put them in one of my divine sanctuaries, where they can do penance for their crimes. It’s not as harsh as sending them to Hell, but at least you won’t have any trouble from Tawny Lion again. I took care of that poor girl, too; she’ll be fine. Won’t remember a thing.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Is there, uh, anything I can do for you? Light some joss? Recommend a restaurant?”
“You could give me the pleasure of your company for a while,” Guanyin said. “We really need to talk.”
She raised her hand as if to cast another spell. “Let’s do it somewhere more private. Your place, if you don’t mind?”
I flinched. “You’re not going to zap us there, are you?”
Guanyin smiled. She swirled her finger and suddenly the street came back to life. People resumed what they were doing, unaware that anything had happened.
“Actually, it’s such a nice day that I was thinking we could walk.”
18
I’d never poured tea for a god before. And now there were two of them in my house. Mom was missing out on the biggest guests of her life.
The composition of the scene in my kitchen was disjointed in a way that was hard to describe. Guanyin and Erlang Shen didn’t quite fit in the frame. They were larger than life. Or a lot better looking than it, anyhow. To have them casually and patiently wait for me while I played host was like those moments where your favorite celebrities proved how down-to-earth they were on camera.
Quentin ruined the divine triptych by refusing to sit at the same table as Erlang Shen. He skulked off to the side, pacing back and forth.
I brought the tray over and poured for everyone. I was glad that we had jasmine instead of oolong. I didn’t want Guanyin thinking I was being cute, serving her a drink named after her.
She took a sip to be polite and set her cup aside.
“So you’re her,” Guanyin said with a warm smile. “I never would have guessed. You look a little like Xuanzang.”
I knew I looked like that drawing of him, but hearing someone else compare me to a guy made me hitch a little. “Xuanzang was prettier than the Four Great Beauties,” Guanyin said, sensing my discomfort. “It’s a compliment.”
“Thanks, I guess? You know who I am?”
“We know you’re the Ruyi Jingu Bang,” Erlang Shen said, eyeing me side-to-side like a vase that he would have been upset to find any cracks in. “Any spiritual being who has been in the As-You-Will Cudgel’s aura would recognize it if they got near enough. The Lady Guanyin and I have both seen your original form many times.”
It was unsettling to hear the two of them talk like that. Like meeting a distant aunt and uncle who only remembered you in diapers. “The two of you are really gods?”
“Yes,” said Guanyin. “We’re members of the celestial pantheon of immortal spirits, over which the Jade Emperor presides.”
Oookay. “And you’re from . . . Heaven?”
She nodded. “A different plane of existence than the one that contains Earth, if that helps you think about it.”