Quentin was interrupted by the sound of a gong. A big brass gong. A big brass Chinese gong, right here in a French restaurant.
Dozens of pairs of feet tromped over the wooden floors. Two columns of hatted, robed men shuffled into the room, making use of all the space in between the tables. Someone who was better than me at being Asian could have said what dynasty their colorful silken dress was from.
Judging by their subservient posture, they weren’t a threat. Quentin hadn’t leaped out of his seat, ready to fight. In fact, he was leaning back and slumping over like he did when he was bored in class.
The men all took a knee simultaneously, forming a human walkway that led straight to our table. A sedan chair entered from the other end. The golden, lacquered palanquin was borne by silent armored guardians who coordinated their steps like ballet dancers so as not to jostle the occupant.
Ever so slowly the chair made its way across the room to our table. Once it finally arrived, a servant pulled the embroidered silk curtain aside.
Out stepped a fuming, red-faced bank manager. Or a summer camp director. That was the impression I got of the man, even though he was decked out in fineries that could have stocked the Met’s exhibition halls for ten seasons straight.
A servant cleared his throat. “All hail His Imperial Majesty, August Ruler of Heaven and Divine Master of—”
The Jade Emperor waved off the announcer so violently that he backhanded the poor schlub in the mouth. I hadn’t expected to meet the king of the gods under these circumstances.
“You,” he hissed at me.
“Moi?” I said as innocently as I could. Quentin snickered. This was going to go poorly if he kept egging me on.
“Yes, you! Flaunting your powers where any human can see them! How dare you!”
I looked around the room. The other diners were frozen mid-bite. Guanyin stepped out from behind the palanquin, being her gorgeous self in a plain qipao. She gave me a smile and a finger wave behind the Jade Emperor’s back.
“Look, nothing stays hidden for very long these days,” I said. “Everyone’s got a smartphone. Your big masquerade was going to fail at some point. You might even have to—and I know this is a big shock—manage your own affairs in the mortal realm.”
“Ooooh,” Quentin mooned.
“Shut up, you damned ape!” the Jade Emperor shrieked. He apparently had as little control over Quentin as Mrs. Nanda did. “You’re part of the reason this mess is spiraling out of control! The two of you have let yaoguai run free on Earth for the first time in more than a thousand years!”
“Okay, that is on us,” I said. “But what did you want me to do, slaughter them all?”
“Yes!”
I narrowed my eyes. Killing every single yaoguai would have meant a convenient cleanup of Erlang Shen’s misdeeds, and a lot of face saved for his uncle. The Jade Emperor would have wu wei’ed himself into another moral victory.
“They were living beings that hadn’t done anything wrong yet,” I said. “They deserved a chance to do better. Who knows, maybe with enough time they’ll become human.”
“Of course you would think that the scum of the universe could ever improve their lot,” the Jade Emperor scoffed. “Just because the Ruyi Jingu Bang managed to worm its way around its karmic betters doesn’t mean the rest of the gutter trash—”
I interrupted him by draining my glass and slamming it on the table upside down. I’d read somewhere that in Australia, it was a signal that I could beat up anyone in the room.
“What are the odds that you want to finish that sentence?” I asked.
It took a little while for the Jade Emperor to gather that I was threatening him, probably out of sheer unfamiliarity with the sensation. But the payoff was worth it. His eyes goggled out, and he spat into the air like a trumpet player with no trumpet.
“No, please, continue,” I said. “You were in the middle of insulting the living weapon your nephew wanted to use to destroy you.”
Quentin hooted and clapped his hands together. There was no popcorn, so he took a big chunk of bread and tore into it with glee as he watched us.
The Jade Emperor tried to recover from his tailspin. “You impudent—wretched—disrespectful . . .”
This was getting sad. “You didn’t come here solely to wag your finger at us. Say what you really wanted to say.”
The King of Heaven huffed and puffed until he calmed himself down. I waited patiently for him to compose himself.
“I am here to make a proclamation,” he said, finally. “Because you have so thoroughly violated my policies of discretion, an official Judgment of Heaven is necessary to handle the fallout.”
“Well hey—haven’t seen one of those in a thousand years,” Quentin chimed in.
The Jade Emperor shot him a dirty look before continuing.
“This region of Earth has degraded to the point where it requires more direct management than the celestial pantheon can provide. Therefore, the great Kingdom of California will be cut loose from our jurisdiction.”
I mashed my nose into my palm. “California’s not a—never mind. Go on.”
“Any spirit or yaoguai may henceforth set foot in these borders, enjoying the freedom you value so much,” he said with a sneer. “Accountability for what happens will fall squarely on the shoulders of a specially appointed Divine Guardian, who will manage all non-terrestrial interactions inside the protectorate.”
Guanyin came up to the table and lowered her eyes.
Finally. The Goddess of Mercy and Gettin’ Stuff Done deserved to be in charge for once. Governing a chunk of Earth would be right in her wheelhouse.
But something about the situation didn’t sit right. The smugness in the Jade Emperor’s tone made it sound less like he was giving Guanyin a promotion worth celebrating and more like he was washing his hands of an impossible task. The lengths to which he’d go not to do any dirty work astounded me.
“Non-terrestrial interactions,” I said. “Let me guess. What you really mean is demon fights, rogue gods, and magic spells exploding in people’s faces. Pure chaos. California is going to turn into a big hot mess of spiritual shenanigans that nobody in their right mind would want on their plate.”
The Jade Emperor smiled and then bent his head.
Quentin and I shared a confused glance at the gesture. Surely he couldn’t—
No. No way.
The ruler of Heaven was bowing. To me.
I thought maybe he’d fallen asleep on his feet, or suddenly lost the tendons in his neck.
But Guanyin had dipped even further, fixing me with a pointed stare. And all the other attendants kneeling on the floor had pivoted toward me, kowtowing.
No way no way no way . . .
“Well stated, Madame Divine Guardian,” the Jade Emperor said. “Your very own big hot mess indeed.”