Even though I was surrounded by silence.
We drove through the small, Virginian town without really looking at it. I didn’t register houses or shops. My head, my mind, were somewhere else.
I felt as though the past few months were steadily building. Building. Building.
Towards something big.
I was petrified.
Of the explosion.
Of the aftermath.
What would I be left with?
Would I be left with anything?
My eyes went back to the woman at my side. Compelled. Bound. Unavoidable. My fingers ached. They ached. To touch her. To feel her. When my hands were empty I felt lost. Incomplete.
I couldn’t explain why without her I was so bereft. Even when she was less than a foot away…I craved.
It was wrong.
It was unhealthy.
It was as essential as my beating, beating heart.
Thump. Thump.
Thud.
Yet her father…
My brain started to shut down at the thought of him.
The coal black eyes.
The star on the arm that hung out the window.
My sister running away. Running to him.
I was a mess of contradictions. I wanted Layna.
I loathed Layna.
I loved Layna.
I’d die.
I’d die for her.
Because of her.
Without her.
I.
Was.
Lost.
I pulled into the parking lot of the Best Western. We rented a room. I didn’t see anything. My eyes focused only on…
Layna.
“I think I want to get a shower.” She sounded so tired. Her body slumped. Touch her.
Feel her.
Please…
But I didn’t. I kept my distance. Now that we were here. To see her father.
To see the devil.
“Okay,” I replied. I heard the water turn on. The light was gone. The sun had set and the dark had settled in. Like a familiar stranger. Comfortable. Edgy.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. My heart leapt.
It had been so long since I had heard from her. Since I had gotten her call. I still waited for the texts every single night.
I tried not to scream when they didn’t come.
I pulled my phone out and grinned like a fool.
It was her.
Love, pure and genuine, all consuming. Lightness and immensity. In the center of my chest.
I didn’t answer.
Not since that one time.
I couldn’t stand the sound of her voice.
After so long.
It rang. And it rang. It stopped. Then it rang. And it rang. And it rang.
Then it stopped.
Finally my screen lit up with a text.
Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.
I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. Too tight. Couldn’t breathe.
The relief was overwhelming. The despair was debilitating.
“Did you get a text?” Layna asked, startling me. I hadn’t heard her come out of the bathroom.
I didn’t look at her. She’d distract me. I stared down at the message on my phone, not wanting to sever the connection. For just a few more minutes.
“Who is it?” she asked. Her soft voice too loud.
Never waste your tears, Elian. Keep them for when it counts.
I wouldn’t. I made her a silent promise.
I shoved the phone back in my pocket and finally looked at Layna. My heart still in my hands. Ready to throw it at her.
“How was the shower?” I asked. Avoiding. Evading.
Layna stared at me a while longer. Seeing too much. Not enough. She was perfect. So perfect.
“I feel better. Maybe you should get one. It might clear the cobwebs,” she suggested.
I laughed. Weak. Ineffectual.
“Are you saying I have cobwebs that need to be cleared?” I teased. So fake. So, so fake.
“Don’t we all?” Layna asked, opening her suitcase to pull out some clothes. I watched her as she dropped the towel and dressed.
My eyes traveled the length of her. Always hungry. Always desperate.
It was exhausting.
The way I loved her.
“It’s a clear night,” I observed, turning my face away. Feeling hot. Bothered. Wanting to be inside her. All. The. Time.
Layna didn’t say anything. I could see her in the reflection of the sliding doors. Distant. But there.
My phone vibrated in my pocket again. I was surprised by her tenacity. She never called after sending the text.