“You’re man?” Matt asked.
“Yes. Elian.” It was the first time I had told Matt his name. I shared Elian with my brother. He needed to hear all of it.
“What does he think about it?”
“Elian knows him,” I whispered.
Matt was silent for a long time. “How does he know him, Lay?”
I took a deep breath. Spilling out all my lies.
“His sister—”
“Oh god, Layna! Did you know? Did you know?”
Sweat broke out on the back of my neck. My hands felt clammy. I watched the door for Elian. Wanting him to come back.
I needed him.
“Of course I did,” I admitted. The truth. That’s all I had. So I gave it away. To the person I hoped wouldn’t judge me for it.
“What are you doing, Layna?”
“I don’t know.”
Silence.
Solitude.
I hated it.
I loved it.
Contradiction.
“You should leave. Go back to wherever it is you call home now. Forget about him. Let it go. Please,” Matt begged. He pleaded. He appealed to my empty, empty heart.
“I’m him, Matty,” I murmured.
Silence.
Solitude.
I loved it.
I hated it.
“You are not!” my brother seethed. Knowing exactly what I was thinking. What I was feeling. He felt it too. Sometimes.
Not all the time like I did.
“Go home,” Matt tried one last time.
“I plan to.”
Elian came back with bagels and fruit from the continental breakfast in the hotel lobby. I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was in knots.
My conversation with my brother still rang in my ears.
“Do you love him?”
I wasn’t sure who Matt was referring to.
“Elian. The man you have there with you. Do you love him?”
Do I love him?
“I love him in the only way that I can, Matty,” I told him, meaning it.
“I don’t know what that means, Lay. Why don’t I know what that means?”
“Some things were always just for me. You know that.”
“He always loved you best. But his love was the worst thing he ever gave you.”
Matt spoke with sincerity and I believed him. I agreed with him.
“Go home, Layna. Back to where you and Elian can have a life.”
“Can we have a life? With everything that I am?”
Matt sighed, and I could feel his frustration. With me. With what our father had left us with. For the blood that ran through both of our veins.
“It’s because of everything that you are that I know you can have it all.”
“You’re not dressed,” Elian noted, taking in my still naked body. I didn’t cover myself. There was no point.
Elian saw everything.
Everything I wanted him to see.
“I will,” I said, taking the bagel he handed me.
“If you don’t want to go, we can always head back,” Elian offered. I knew he was hoping I’d take him up on it. That we could get in his car and turn around. Head back the way we had come. Towards Brecken Forest and the dishonesty we built there.
A life built on lies was the only life we would ever have.
“No, I need to do this.” I broke off a piece of bagel and put it in my mouth. Not chewing. I swallowed it whole. Almost choking on it.
“Are you sure? We can—”
“Stop it, Elian. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” I was sharp as a knife. Cutting skin. Wanting him to stop.
I didn’t want his excuses. I didn’t want his well-intentioned words. Or his constant support.
I wanted him to let this be and let me do what was required.
Elian’s eyes were unreadable for the first time.
Not dancing.
Not dead.
Something else entirely.
“Well, I’m going to take a walk. I can’t just sit here and wait for you to go to see him. I’m crawling out of my skin.” He was so agitated.
He didn’t want to be around me.
Then I feared.
Was Matt right?
Was I making a mistake?
Was it even possible for me to go back to Brecken Forest and have a life with Elian? I knew the answer, why was I even questioning it?