“I—” she cut off. Detached. Finished.
“You did. That’s why you came to Virginia. Because even as much you hate him, you can’t stay away. Am I right?” I felt ill. Vomit rose in the back of my throat. Knowing she’d never be just mine.
This daughter of a killer.
This woman that I loved.
Loved to death.
“You’re broken, Elian,” she whispered, her eyes still trained on the stars that seemed to say things not meant for me.
She listened to the words that no one else could hear.
“But I’m broken too. Maybe together our pieces will make us whole.”
We were too far apart, even as we stood side by side. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to my chest. I bent low and kissed the side of her neck. Inhaling. Deep.
“I love you,” I told her in tortured tones. It was in. Out. All over.
She didn’t say it back. She never did.
That was okay.
I felt it.
My eyes were wet, the tears dripping down flushed cheeks.
I wasn’t wasting my tears.
They counted.
Right now.
They counted.
I didn’t sleep. At all. I tossed and I turned. I listened to Elian’s soft snores. I watched the shadows on the wall.
I imagined stories.
I wrote them. But I didn’t put them down on paper. I kept them in my head. For now.
Morning came with little fuss or fanfare. The sun shone bright in the sky but the beginning of the day was otherwise calm and uneventful.
I waited for Elian to wake up so I could pretend to rouse.
He was fooled.
He kissed me on my mouth and ran his nose up along my cheek, burrowing into my hair.
There was a crackle of energy. An awareness that hadn’t been there before. After today, things were going to be…different.
I lay in bed most of the night doubting. Wondering if I had made a mistake in coming. In bringing Elian with me.
“Is this why you came to Virginia? To be closer to him?”
Elian’s question last night had thrown me. And I wasn’t a woman easily thrown.
Mostly because I hadn’t expected him to see. He thought he had it figured out. And he did hold the parts. The small, small fragments that I dropped from my fingers.
But that wasn’t all of it.
He didn’t see the big picture.
The real reason…
I let Elian hug me. Kiss me. Touch me.
I burned.
I was lit on fire.
For so many reasons.
None of them had to do with the man in the bed beside me.
I wanted it to be. I was feeling so much…shame.
Elian didn’t deserve this. What I was giving him.
But I was here.
This was a deciding moment.
Life or death.
Once and for all.
“I’m going to run out to get us some breakfast. Anything you in the mood for?” Elian asked, his fingers running up and down naked skin. Breasts. Legs. Lips. Eyes.
“Whatever you want,” I rasped. Wanting to feel what he felt.
Wishing it was there to erase all of this.
“Okay.” Kisses. Nose. Mouth. Forehead.
“How are you doing?” he asked, always concerned. Always worried about me.
I shrugged. Quiet. In my heart.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. Truthfully. Honestly.
We held each other. Cheek to cheek.
Was it enough?
Was it enough?
Then he left, and I was alone with my memories.
Old and new.
A beast that raged.
“I told you to wait in the car, Layna.”
I opened my mouth. A scream caught in my throat.
Was I scared?
No.
Was I disgusted?
Maybe.
Was I enthralled?
Good god, yes.
I dialed my brother’s number and waited for him to answer. When he finally did, there were no formal greetings. There never were. There never would be.
“You’re there,” he stated. Didn’t ask.
“Yes. I’m here,” I replied. Ashamed. So ashamed. But…eager?
“You being there is a big mistake, Lay. I feel it,” Matt exclaimed, loud in my ears.
“I don’t know.”
I was crying.
Tears dripped down my face.
Like blood.
Staining my skin, soaking my shirt.
Tears.
Like blood.
“I brought him with me,” I admitted.