I stared at her, watched her breathing. In and out. It felt like I was waiting for her to die any moment, but I knew in my mind that we weren’t there yet. This wasn’t her time. After a few minutes, she looked at me again.
“Whatchya staring at?” she asked, opening up a chance for me to talk to her.
“You, Gran. Just thinking about how much I love you.”
“I love you too, kiddo.” She paused and took a deep breath. “It’s gonna be hard to say goodbye.”
Emotion pulsed in my throat. “How… how do you feel about that?”
“How do I feel about dying? That part sucks when you have a young child to raise when you’re older. Inevitably, they’re not gonna be ready for you to go when you are.”
“Are you ready to go?” I asked as the tears pushed against my eyes again.
“Pretty much, except for you and not wanting to say goodbye, I’m good to go. I’ve seen this world enough. I’m ready for the next one. I think. I can’t say anyone is entirely sure of anything when it’s time to kick the old can. I remember the day your mom was born. She was such a pretty baby, just like you were a pretty baby. I didn’t want to have any more kids after she was born. I mean, I could have had a mess of kids, but she seemed so perfect, I just didn’t want to tempt fate. I had exactly what I wanted. Harold and I loved one another and then Violet was born, and that was everything. We were perfect. Your mom grew up to be so good in school. She was gorgeous, kind, smart, and the only mistake she ever made was falling in love with that Philip.”
My dad. I still could make the father I knew and loved be the same as the one who was so cruel that night.
“No man is ever good enough for your child, and none of us could see what was happening right away. He was a handsome guy, smart, a teacher. I think we all fell under his spell. She never wanted to trouble us, but his drinking started early on in their marriage. He grew mean and nasty. Violet always said it was because he worked too hard, but I could tell there was something else going on. I encouraged her to follow her heart. And I actually hoped her heart would lead her away from Philip.”
I thought Gran had gotten her wish. Mom’s heart had taken her away. No one realized it would cost her her life.
“Soon, I was too swept up trying to save your grandpa’s life, making sure he took his meds and got rest. But love can’t take away heart disease and there’s no magic wand that will reverse a stroke. He didn’t have a chance. When he died, all I felt was sadness and loss. I didn’t take time to see what was living in front of me. Violet took her dad’s death really hard. Philip… I think he tried for a little while. Then you were born and I saw in you the same thing I saw in Violet. Perfection.”
I flushed as I aways did when Gran gushed about me.
“Here was this beautiful new being in our world. I realized that life went on, even without Harold. The worst moment though, was seeing Violet. You know, my beautiful baby, just gone… and there was nothing I could do about it. I could never bring her back. I didn’t think I would make it through losing her, but there you were again. My second chance. And you have been the greatest joy of my life. I don’t want any more joys… I’m completely full. You, though, you could use a little more joy.”
“I’m okay, Gran,” I assured her.
“You’re more than okay, kiddo. You’re a successful painter and a great person with a whole amazing life before you. But I want you to find love, have a baby if that fits into your plans. Move on. Be happy. I won’t be here to see it from this side, but I’ll be on the other side rooting for you.” She cackled softly. “In fact, I could be reincarnated as your kid. Imagine the fun we’d have.” Her smile was infectious.
“That would be awesome.”
“If you keep me here, how am I gonna get to do all the things I want to in the next life? I’ve heard that heaven is something. And if I end up in hell… at least I’ll get to see Philip’s ass again and kick it for the rest of eternity.” We both had a hearty laugh over that one.
“You aren’t going to hell, Gran.” I couldn’t imagine a woman more deserving of heaven.
“Well, wherever I’m headed, I want these last few days to be as good as they can be. Now, I’ve a lot of thinking to do and some praying and mental wrapping up of stuff, so I don’t want you here every minute hovering over me. If I’m gone when you get home, then that’s how I wanted it. You’re not going to stop your life so that you can sit around and watch me die.”
“Gran—”
She shushed me. “I don’t want you taking a two-week cruise or anything, silly, but if you don’t leave on your own accord some days, I’ll just boot you out. For example, that nice fella I hear you’re dating…”
I rolled my eyes. Boy, she was a sneaky one.
“I’m not dating him, Gran. He’s sort of my boss.”
“Bullshit. You like the guy. Keep your dukes up if you have to, but don’t turn him down unless he ends up being an absolute asshole. I trust you. You won’t be attracted to a guy like your father, not after what you’ve lived through.” She was wearing down again, her eyes drifted closed and open.
“Gran, before your nap, can I ask you one more thing?”
Her closed eyelids flitted open again. “Sure, sweetie.”
“Are you ready to do this?” It took everything in me to hold back the tears.
She exhaled a long breath. “I sure am because there’s shit I can do to change it. I’d say I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
As her eyes closed again, I tried to find peace in what we spoke about. I didn’t feel much like a cheerleader, but I didn’t beg or whine like I thought I would.
That night, Ricky and Tammy came over for dinner. We had tacos and Gran’s favorite beer. We also busted out the new bottle of whiskey we bought to replace Gran’s stash. In addition to the tacos, we had loads of junk food for her to eat, especially her favorite, New York Fudge Chunk ice cream. We fired up a Freddy Krueger Marathon, and she was asleep before anyone in the movie was. She ate a little and stayed on the couch with us, covered in her favorite blankets, while we stayed up until way past two in the morning, watching the movies, and eating all of the shit food.
“I can’t believe that your grandma loves these movies. They’re such crap,” Ricky said, his eyes riveted to the screen.
“Why you still watching?” Tammy asked, curled up in a blanket, half hiding and half watching.
“Cause they’re so awful they’re awesome.” He smiled, eating another handful of Pringles.
“I think that’s why she watches them,” I said. “She told me that life never got as bad as a horror story, and they always reminded you of the good you had.”
“Hell, they remind me that I hate horror movies, I’m not gonna be able to sleep for a week.” Tam jumped as Freddy slashed, pulling her blanket over one eye, watching with the other. “Cat, I’m moving in here with you. No way am I going back to my apartment to live alone and get all shredded by that Krueger guy. Hell to the no!”