“That would be perfect, Tam. Let’s do that. Gran will love it.” I felt so relieved.
I wasn’t afraid of being with Gran while she was sick, but it was hard to watch her deteriorate so quickly. I didn’t know what I had expected her end to look like, but it was like a mush of surreal moments that I simply floated in and out of. Gran sleeping all day, not being able to walk, taking everything at a slow pace. Her body quickly dwindling, her skin loosening, her eyes growing dark. Inside that dying body was the woman who had been my mother, my best friend, and my only real family. Now that entire package was… drifting away. I couldn’t face it. Tammy was good at diversions, and right now, that’s all I wanted.
We planned our menu and our shopping lists, set the time, and since it was getting really late, she went home. I checked on Gran, who was still asleep. Being in the quite house with nothing else to distract me but my own mind, I thought of KP. He had been so much more than I had expected him to be. I hadn’t had feelings for a man for a long time. I just didn’t make space for them, but he was creeping into my heart. It was terrifying and exhilarating. I thought about texting him to see if he made it home safely but thought it would send the wrong message, so I just went to bed and thought of him, secretly hoping I would dream of him again.
The next day I woke up to Athena, who helped me give Gran her meds and make breakfast. Gran was in great spirits but seemed a little fragile. More fragile than I had seen her before, so much so that I couldn’t ignore it this time. We all ate breakfast together at the dining room table, but soon after, Gran was too tired to stay. We moved her to the porch so she could watch the neighborhood and the hustle and bustle of life. She quickly dozed off in her rocking chair.
While Gran was resting, I asked Athena about the changes I’d been seeing in Gran’s health.
“She doesn’t seem like herself anymore,” I said quietly.
“She’s in there and is the same woman she’s always been, but her body is shutting down around her. That’s a hard war to wage.” Athena seemed like she was gearing up for a lecture, one I assumed she had given several times in her line of work.
“Is there anything I can do for her?” I asked, trembling inside.
“Be there for her, love her as you always do and…” she paused for a moment, like she knew that what she was about to say would hurt.
“And?” I didn’t really want to know, but of course I did, desperately. I needed anything that would help me deal with my mounting anxiety.
“Well, life has many stages. We’re born, we learn to eat solid food, practice the alphabet, deal with bullies, write five paragraph essays, get into college, figure out what you want to be when you grow up, fall in love, have kids, and then you hit the other side of the mountain.”
She patted my hand. “And you think Gran is near the end of her journey?” My heart squeezed as I said it.
“Yes, darling. It’s actually no different than the beginning, no less a milestone of existence. What a lot of people do is shy away from this last greatest step. They pretend it’s not happening and deny the person their right to face the last step with dignity and pride. You can’t force a baby to stay in the womb and you can’t stop a person from dying. It’s all part of the cycle of this amazing thing we call life. Your gran probably only has a few more days until that end… that perfect finish. So, what you might do for her is embrace it.”
That surprised and confused me. How was death something to be embraced?
“Talk to her, make this something she doesn’t have to do alone. Just as you would have if you were cheering her when she was younger and fighting hard to do something well. Give her that same encouragement now. You won’t be rushing things. Her end will come when it’s time, but you’ll be giving her the permission and the support she needs to face this last phase with grace and dignity.”
“I… I… can’t,” I stammered, tears pouring down my face.
“But you will be cause you love her and this is what she deserves.” She held my hand for a moment and just let me cry.
Athena was right. For all the times Gran had cheered me on, I owed her the same kind of enthusiasm. I looked around the room at all the paintings she’d hung. When I was younger, it irked me when she insisted on hanging every one. Some of them were from when I had just started as a painter, they were raw and unrefined. Others were of subjects that were raw and emotional and they embarrassed me now. But as I sat on the couch with Athena, I saw my life’s history played out on the walls; a celebration of my existence. I could now understand what Gran had seen in the paintings. They represented the life of a person she loved deeply. She admired the ugly ones just as much as she adored the beautiful. They were all a part of me, and she loved every part of her granddaughter.
“How do I do this? I can’t just say, ‘Hey Gran, I hear you’re dying.’” I wanted to laugh, but didn’t have the heart.
“No, that’s probably not the best way to start, but you could ask her how she feels about this last stage. Let her talk to you. She’s probably been hoping that you would ask before it was too late.” Athena gave me a loving smile. “I have to clean up her room from this morning and get rid of a little toxic waste, but you think about it and just let the conversation come naturally. You’re ready for anything you might hear. Just be grateful for the time you still have.”
When Athena left, I went out to the porch and took my seat next to Gran. I just stared at her for a moment. Trying to envision that chair empty. It was so hard for me to face, but I forced myself to see it without her in it. I couldn’t. I was glad she was still there. I reached out to hold her hand, and her eyes opened, startling me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“I’m not sleeping!” she protested, “just resting my eyes.”
“Are your eyes still tired?” I asked nervously.
She knew me better than I knew myself and caught on immediately to my need to talk with her.
Her smile seemed so weak, so frail. “What is it, kiddo?”
“I just wanted to know how you’re feeling.” My voice quivered and I was on the verge of crying again.
“I feel like shit,” Gran said with a smile.
Panic seized me. “Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to get Athena to give you more pain medication?”
She patted my hand. “More pain meds would probably do the trick, but it would be lights out again for me. The pain’s not too bad, it’s not distracting. Just there.”
“I don’t want you to suffer. Let me know when you want me to get you some.”
“I’m good. I’d rather sit here with you, kiddo, and soak up the sun. That’s the best pain relief ever,” she said as she quietly closed her eyes.